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If i wanted three kids i would have had three....

(12 Posts)
sotiredofthis Wed 23-Mar-05 12:11:45

Im being eaten up by anger at the moment. Ive had a crap life all in all. Mainly because of abuse from my stepfather. Since i left home ive had to deal with a lot. Especially in the last two years. Ive had horrible things come my way and suffered from depression but ive had to deal with all of it. Now, to the bargain ive had to deal with my mother. Ive felt responsible for her for as long as i can remember. She is an alcoholic. Ive tried to tell her time and time again and she just will not listen to me. She is overweight, drinks too much and smokes too much. Ive just managed in the last few months to drag myself up and make a life for myself again. Its been the struggle from hell but ive done it. Now my mother has been diagnosed with very high blood pressure. (The last person i knew with this went on a drinking spree and died the next day). Its a terrible thing but all i feel is anger. She ruined my childhood because she was too frightened to leave my stepfather and protect me from his abuse. She's ruined everything since as i constantly worry about her. Even though he doesnt hit her anymore and she isnt frightened of him now, she never left him. He ran their business into the ground with his drinking and had many affairs with teenagers along the way. So she bought a house and now she works herself into the ground to keep both of them, he has retired. She is going to kill herself with work and drink and there's sod all i can do about it. Every niggle we've had i've always been the one to apologise even if she is in the wrong because im scared she will hurt herself. When i was younger she once locked herself in the bathroom and shouted to me that she was going to slit her wrists, i was banging on the bathroom door and crying and my stepfather came upstairs and punched me so hard i flew across the landing. Why wont she listen to me? Why wont she help herself? She has told me im so brave for what ive been through and how i've turned out so why cant she help herself? Im so sick of this. I cry but im angry, very angry. She doesnt care that all i have is her, and that the way she is going i will have no-one. Shes f***g selfish. Now ive said it. She's ruined and continues to ruin my life. I love her so much but just cant take this.

mummytosteven Wed 23-Mar-05 12:18:32

sorry you've had so much ** to deal with in your life, so tired of this. it sounds immensely frustrating, to say the least and so bloody unfair that your mum is putting alcohol befor everything I don't really know much about alcohol problems. Have you ever tried al-anon?

Do you think you and your kids would be better off if you cut her out of your life?

sotiredofthis Wed 23-Mar-05 12:24:26

She went to al-anon mts, she gave it up after two sessions. I cant cut my own mother out of my life, i love her too much. I just want a normal life with normal parents and i know its too late now, i can never have that. But she doesnt even think of her grandchildren. Loving them and cuddling them is nothing if she is going to continue on the road she's on.

mummytosteven Wed 23-Mar-05 12:26:35

i meant al anon for support for you - they do phone lines/support groups web pages etc helping relatives of alcoholics.

sotiredofthis Wed 23-Mar-05 12:29:42

Do they? I didnt know that. Perhaps it would be worth a try because lets face it, she isnt going to change.

mummytosteven Wed 23-Mar-05 12:31:34

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

that's the url for the family groups.

the problem is that you need to find some way to accept that she's not going to change/only going to change if and when she wants to, and there's very little you can do to influence that. and obviously that will be immensely difficult

sotiredofthis Wed 23-Mar-05 12:42:32

Thanks mts. I know i cant change her. Doesn't stop me worrying though. One of the reasons im single is because i refuse to put up with the kind of crap from a man that she has put up with. No-one is going to hurt my kids, ever. I just wish she could have been the same. She could have had a good life if she had just taken that one frightening step and left. I blame him more than her if im honest.

dropinthe Wed 23-Mar-05 13:10:36

You are so strong to still love her after all she has done to you-I lived/looked after a clinically depressed mother for many years between the ages of 9-18 and had a similar scenario of her locking herself in the bathroom banging her head repeatedly over and over on the wall with me screaming for her to stop-God,Ive got tears in my eyes remembering-why do they have children???? I didnt have a father and the abuse you had to suffer at his hands is shocking-
I'm just so sorry!!

mummytosteven Wed 23-Mar-05 13:11:43

yes, I agree with what dropinthe has said about strength - you should give yourself a pat on the back everyday for being determined to have better than this for your own children

dropinthe Wed 23-Mar-05 13:14:17

Role reversal for a child of any age-including you who I suspect still would like to be a little girl again-is simply unfair!! But it does make us better mothers

MeerkatsUnite Wed 23-Mar-05 16:34:06

You are not responsible for her life and problems. They are hers to resolve and it does not look like she can or will resolve her deep seated problems. Alcoholics are by their very nature selfish individuals. She has a long standing relationship with drink and doubtless her relationship with drink started long before you came into this world. She may well have taken up drink to escape her own demons - maybe she was herself abused as a child. Until she reaches her own rock bottom there is nothing you can do; you cannot save someone who does not want to be saved.

"Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward may well help you (there are sections in there about both abuse and alcoholic parents) as well as contacting Al anon.

I wish you well

Tortington Wed 23-Mar-05 17:29:47

there comes a point where you and your family must come before anyone else. you are being adversley affected by this ongoing situation and therfore your children must be too. you are clearly unhappy and you are the only one who can change this situation.

your mothers problems are that - her problems - not your to solve or worry over.

my mother is a nutbucket - she needs help. i have phoned everyone from coial services to help the aged and even her local church and asked the priest to visit once in a while. i have done this since i have not been speaking to her. i love her very much and her safety is important to me.

i just had enough of her self indulgant behaviour and in the end she was screaming at me " why didnt you sort my heating out" " why have you never offered to do some painting for me - becuase your selfish"

the thing is i live 300 miles away and the she has the money to sort her heating out and to pay someone to decorate for her. she relied on me - thats the point - she relied on me.

now as fuckedup as this sounds - she is doing better without me. i know through other people that she has indeed fixed her heating, paying a gardener and has taken up painting and drawing.

i am an only child, my dad died when i was 4 - without me there is no-one and that in itself was a major factor when considering the situation. however she is doing better now she knows there is no-one around to blame but herself.

so in short -i did what i could behind the scenes with local agencies even when not speaking to her as i loved her -she is better not being dependant on me.

it hurts daily. but there is a point where i couldnt accept the grief she caused on top of working full time and three kids and my own family problems - there is onyl so much a person can take.

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