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The When Harry Met Sally Question

(15 Posts)
Bugsy2 Wed 23-Mar-05 10:45:50

Having been reading Secretregular's thread I was wondering whether you all think it is possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex in an innocent way.
I have quite a few male friends, who I meet for lunch or coffee during working hours. They are all married (as was I until recently). As far as I know their motives are not suspect - mine certainly aren't. Some of them I exchange texts & emails with - usually crap jokes or some bit of work related gossip.
I always knew that my ex-H had female friends in the workplace to and I have to say it never bothered me - until he had an affair that is!!!!
I think it is possible - am I being naive?

Laylasmum Wed 23-Mar-05 10:52:23

i think its definately possible!!lots of people have affairs who haven't previously had any friends of the opposite sex and the majority of people are happily married and are able to have purely platonic friendships.At the end of the day no one has an affair purely because they have opposite sex friends, theres always something more to it!

Tinker Wed 23-Mar-05 10:53:14

I don't, not really. Have/had lots of male friends but always think there is some sort of frisson either way. I think opposite sex friendships can give the appearance of being merely platonic but think there is an underlying tension, often unspoken. I'm talking about real friendships, not just work colleagues etc, people you would consider to be as close as close female friendships. Maybe that's just me though, sure lots of people will disagree.

emmatmg Wed 23-Mar-05 10:54:02

IME yes it is possible but you never know whats going on in their heads.


Was great friends with a bloke when I worked, he was unfaithful to his wife (pregnant wife!!) and I told himhe was a bastard. After months of freindship he told me how he'd love to get me into bed too. I laughed in his face and told him to sort his sorry little life out and think about his wife and unborn child.


Lo and behold I saw him a few months ago, and guess what? he's no longer married to her as she found out. He seemed genuinely amazed that I was still married to the sme man with 3 children alomost like it just wasn't humanly possible.

DillyDally Wed 23-Mar-05 10:54:52

I used to believe in platonic friendships but am a bit more cynical after a few recent events in the office with some married men starting email conversations with my wife doesnt understand me type content. I have to say they are a minority but a sizeable minority.
I don't mind a superficial flirt but as soon as they start mentioning sex in emails I am out of there.
Only truly platonic if they are perfect gents (which some are) or if they are cads who believe you are too ugly for them

Tinker Wed 23-Mar-05 10:55:53

Or truly platonic if they are gay.

DillyDally Wed 23-Mar-05 10:57:09

Ah yes, stupidly i missed that category. Having said that there seems to be an increase of overtly camp men who are straight and try it on too.

Hulababy Wed 23-Mar-05 11:05:26

I definelty think it is possible! Loads of my friends are male. I have always had male friends since being quite young. Dh also has female friends - his office is mainly women so he has no choice really. He often goes out for lunch with them at work.

snafu Wed 23-Mar-05 11:15:30

I agree with Tinker. I think it is possible to have friendships with men that are officially platonic and where nothing would ever actually happen - but there will be an underlying frisson, at least from time to time.

I'm trying to think of a friendship I've had with a man where there's never ever been the tiniest hint of something else from one or other of us - and I can't.

Listmaker Wed 23-Mar-05 11:53:48

I think friendships are possible but there is a line and I think most people know when its being crossed. They might be in denial/think they are in control etc but they know really.

I've worked with mainly men all my life and we have a laugh and I have been out to lunch with one or two occasionally but if you get into 'sex' conversations or 'my dh/dw doesn't understand me' and start discussing your partner then it's a threat to your relationship IMO.

lou33 Wed 23-Mar-05 12:52:54

I have male friends, with no ulterior motives on their minds (or mine)

secretregular Wed 23-Mar-05 13:25:52

I think it's possible (despite my thread!) but only in certain cases and not as a general rule. That sounds confusing, but I can only go from my own experience. My best friend growing up told me the week before my wedding that he was in love with me and had been for years. I had no idea! Sadly he said he wasn't coming to my wedding and wouldn't be able to see me again. He meant it too, haven't been able to contact him for 5 years now and really miss him. I don't think you can be friends with exes but that's a whole other thread.

Niddlynono Wed 23-Mar-05 13:35:57

I think it is possible....

At the weekend a very handsome, intelligent and charismatic man (who I know through DH) came round for the evening (and ended up staying the night - on the sofa, naturally) while DH was at work.

This guy is sexy, beautiful, charming and funny (and a singer which make him even more attractive) and we've always had a very flirty relationship (which DH doesn't mind at all) but I don't actually fancy him and I know that we will never cross the line.

Of course if it was the other way round and DH wanted to invite one of my sexy friends over for dinner I'd throw him out. Double standards? Too right.

Tinker Wed 23-Mar-05 13:38:56

Yes, but you don't know if he fancies you though. As Harry said, "He'd probably still want to nail you"

WideWebWitch Wed 23-Mar-05 13:54:59

Agree with Tinker. My experience has proved it, i.e. 5 men who I thought were good platonic friends ALL had other ideas.

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