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Honest opinions please(38 Posts)
I'm quite confused about things, and really need people to turn to. I have been having problems with my DP, and I am not sure what to do now. I love him, but we just seem to argue. When we're in the house together, we just seem to watch tv and I think he seems so bored, and he probably thinks the same for me. We do get on most of the time, but when we argue, it's over little things that don't seem to matter. Our last arguement almost broke us up, and I have been deeply hurt by this. His approach to arguements are for him to usually call me names, shouts at me, and then usually storms out of the house. Of course, I shout back, but I try not to call him names, and I'm usually left in tears.
He also seems to be a bit fussy with who I am friends with. I've noticed he doesn't like me talking to guys, even if it's his own friends. Jealousy is part of the issue. I don't want to be in fear of him hurting me again. He has done so in the past, and I don't want history to repeat itself. We're having space from one another at the moment since the arguement. But I'm afraid that when I see him next, I won't feel the same. Or I'm afraid that things won't change. I want things to get better, but I don't know how to get them to be?
When you say you don't want to live in fear of him hurting you again.. how do you mean? Physically?
How long have you two been together?
first q - do you have any children? just that that always complicates the practicalities of matters.
It sounds like you feel very intimidated by your partner; in particular the reference to him "hurting" you rings a few alarm bell. Do you feel that you are walking on eggshells with him? How is he about you keeping in touch with your own friends/family?
It's really difficult to know what to say to this. If you want my honest opinion then if he is abusive the usual pattern with these things is for the abuser to get worse and worse, sorry to say this. I worked in a women's refuge and still work closely with them and this has been my experience. If however it's just the usual arguaments happening more often maybe you're both bored and are taking it out on each other. Maybe you could try doing something new and exciting together and see if that helps. Sorry feel a bit lame with this advice.
How long have you been together?
What do you argue about? Do you think you argue about little things because the big things are too difficult to mention?
How does it all kick off?
For things to get better I think you've both first got to acknowledge there is a problem, and both agree to work to make it better.
Otherwise it won;t. But you've made a start, thinking about the fact that you want things to change. Do you think he does, as well?
When I said about him hurting me, I meant emotionally. He always seems to hurt me when we argue, but all arguements have some element of hurt in them don't they? We've been together 4 years, although we have had a break a couple of years ago. I just don't want to feel afraid of the next time we argue, and I don't want to worry that he will walk out on me. I am an insecure person, and so is he. I'm afraid of things like him leaving me for someone else, or him becoming bored of me as we don't seem to have a lot of excitement in our lives. I do sometimes feel like I have to say things to make him happy, and sometimes it is like walking on eggshells. We have one child, who he is a great father too. We're always very happy around her, go out with her and make sure she's happy.
Most of the arguing is over little things. We did talk about this not long back, and said we seem to argue over things that didn't seem to matter. After wards, we usually can't remember what we've argued about or how it started. We both want things to go back to how it was when we first got together. Just for us to be happy and enjoy each others company
do you have enough of a chance to have nights out without your kid? maybe some "couple" time would help things?
We don't seem to spend that much alone time together to be honest. I don't know any babysitters, and neither of our families are nearby.
But why do we argue so much? We were and still are best friends. We have everything in common. I've always believed we were soul mates. I just can't understand why we seem to argue, and upset each other. Was I wrong?
I don't find "soul mates" to be a very useful concept, to be honest.
Everyone treats their partner worse than they treat anyone else, just like kids are on their worst behaviour for their primary carer. If you've had a bad day, you take it out on your partner. If your kid has a bad day, they take it out on you.
There may be something underlying the arguing, something that one or both of you upset about and not dealing with. Or it may just be stress from kids.
If you can't get time out together, can you leave the telly off one night a week?
I guess that's a good way of looking at it. I don't think there's anything that I'm not dealing with. But when stuff does bother me, I don't always tell him, because I know how he'll react, and it will just end in arguements. Which is partly why I said I don't want to be afraid of him, to be afraid of to tell him how I really feel when we argue and things like that.
If you want this relationship to work, then both of you will need to work on your own issues either separately or together. If he chooses not to or says that he does not have a problem then you cannot change his mind for him; infact you have your answer. Lack of self esteem is often the root cause of jealousy - the two are linked. You have admitted that you are insecure yourself - would you be willing to seek out some form of counsellor to talk through exactly why you are so insecure?. How were you before you met this man?. Were you happier then?.
I am somewhat concerned by this man from what you write anyway; he is using controlling behaviours on you with regards to friends. At the very least he cannot communicate with you effectively. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. You need to srot this out, you cannot bury your head in the sand. Your DD leans from her parents about relationships; what is all this teaching her?.
I would also agree that the whole concept of soulmates is not useful and this whole idea of soulamates is not healthy. It can actually hide a lot of problems in the relationship.
Would he be willing to go to Relate?. You could go on your own if he was not willing.
I wish you well
You say 'We both want things to go back to how it was when we first got together.' The problem is that relationships evolve over time and often it never is how it used to be. It's stressful having a child and when you are both tired from work etc it's easy to argue about the little things. Could you go out for meals etc on your own a bit more?
MeerkatsUnite - I can't really remember how I was before I was with him. He is against counselling altogether. I was recommended it whilst I was going through depression, and I was on anti-depressants. He didn't want me to go as he was afraid it would change me. His brother is going through counselling at the moment, and he's not happy about that either. I don't know why he's so against it.
vict17, we never seem to have much time for just the two of us. I think maybe part of the problem is us not seeing each other like we use to.
PPP, it sounds to me, that your dp is afraid of talking about his feelings and thoughts. Most blokes are like that. My dw has changed the way I am by making me talk to her about things that bother me. Counselling does the same. I bet he will feel 100% happier after talking to someone, especially someone who is not part of the situation. Counselling isn't just for wimps, librarians and tree hugging liberals, talking really really helps men as well as women. It would also help if you could just spend more time together, once your child is in bed, just chatting about nothing at all.
Thanks happydaddy. He does find it hard, and I do try to encourage him to talk, especially when we argue. I ask him not to walk away or ignore me. I want us to talk about it so we can sort it out. Our last arguement brought up some things that has been bothering him, that he has never told me about. Maybe one of the reasons why we argue so much?
If he finds it difficult to talk, his only outlet may be when he bottles it up so much that it bursts out in an argument.
Know the feeling my DP and I have our probs he had a house smashing thing but we semed to have got that under control. However he works alot he is normally out of the house 5 nights a week and in the oub for one. He has to do call outs for his job amd it only happens when its our time, in last 6 months he has missed our anniversary, xmas boxing day,most of the days before new year (he still managed to keep all his social engagements though) then the last three weekends in a row. I got really upset last night coz i found out he is on call on thursday friday and sunday. This means we will have no time together as he is guarenteed to be called out so we cant plan anything and he will go to the pub on saturday night. I told him he makes no effort to make this up to me. All he could do was say he couldnt help it shout at me and then say he cant talk about these things. I know from past experience that he will come home today and act as though nothing happened and carry on as before. What is so bloody hard about communicating that way it wouldnt wind me up so that he ends up shouting at me. Can the male brain not comprehend this simple fact
flic23, communication is one thing. being selfish and mean is quite another.
I know thing is he really doesn think he is being mean all i want is a sorry or a box of bloody chocolate i just need some sort of gesture that shows he might care but how do i get this point across if he retreats too his own little world
to be frank, men often need to be treated like kids. speak softly so he doesn't feel threatened, he's more likely to listen. Remind him that you love him but are unhappy with certain things. Sorry if I've offended anyone but we men are simple creatures, oftentimes.
I think I should come to you every time me and DP have an arguement now happydaddy. I do often think of him as a big kid, but I don't want to feel like I'm his mother doing things for him, and always trying to pick up the pieces, make the first move after an arguement and to always seem like I'm chasing him. DP can be quite arrogant and selfish at times. But he does try when we argue. He will sometimes come home after storming out from an arguement, and if he is in the wrong, will have brought me some flowers or something to say he's sorry.
ur right u know he always says if you arent happy then i wont stop you leaving i dont want you to be unhappy,I try to point out that i would unhappier without him .The fact that I am miserable alot of the time does not reflect on how much i love him. Guess us women cant expect men to "get it" my DP is more frustrating than any women could ah!! keep telling him it would be much easier if i didnt love him
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