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DH has lost interest in me !

(15 Posts)
MrsX Sat 19-Mar-05 15:36:07

Sorry, I have had to change my nickname for this one.

DH and I have been married about 2.5 years. Our beautiful DS was born about 9 months ago. I wanted a child much more than DH, as I was in my mid-30's when we got married and was worried about having a baby "too late". We have both agreed to have just the one child.

The funny thing is he absolutely worships our little boy and spends loads of time with him, night and day. My DS is of course everything to me and I have bonded with him the way I never thought imaginable, a very very strong maternal instinct. I still breastfeed DS which I think is another important reason why I have such a close bond.

So neither DH or I have a problem with baby. We both adore him and spend all our hours with him. I don't intend to go back to work until DS is around 3 years old.

The problem DH has seems to be me ! We haven't had sex since I was about 3 months pregnant (i.e a very long time ago !). For the first few months after DS was born I had absolutely no desire for physical contact, but now that I do, DH still shows no interest whatsoever. We have always slept in separate bedrooms since we met, because I am a very bad insomniac and find it impossible to fall asleep or stay asleep when there is someone in my bed. However, the cause of the lack of sex is nothing to do sleeping in separate rooms, as we had an excellent physical relationship before I got pregnant.

We have also had quite a few arguments since DS was born, but they are the kind of arguments we had before he was born, so nothing new. He has said that I dominate him and once it even slipped out that he can't be physically attracted to a woman he can't dominate. This is not because he is a pervert or anything, but he has always said that my extremely strong personality puts him off, both in conversation and in bed I guess. I am also overweight (both before and after the pregnancy) which I know has always been an issue with him because he likes slim women, although he has never directly criticised me for it. I just know.

I split up with a long term boyfriend a few years before meeting DH and he seems to have had similar issues, my weight and my overbearing personality (of course the said boy friend had loads of defects himself, but that's another story !).

I know people are going to think that I end up with the wrong sort of men (I have thought it too) and that I should be with men who don't have a problem with my weight (I am about 11.8 stone and 5.3" tall, so I am not really a monster size, just overweight really) and don't have a problem with my strong character and views, etc. I have to admit I can be overbearing at times and arrogant even, but I can be like this with everyone, not just the men in my life ! I do try to control it though as best as I can.

I don't really want to separate or get divorced because I still have very strong feelings for DH (not sure if it's love, but it's strong enough to want to make the relationship work). He is extremely kind, sweet, intelligent, and lovely in lots of ways and did say he was in love with me loads of times in the first year we were together. He just doesn't say it any more.

Sorry for the huge background story, but is there anyone who can give me some advice ? I have tried approaching him to find out what is really bugging him and he has approached me to talk also, but we have ended up arguing.

Please help !

ssd Sat 19-Mar-05 16:12:56

Sorry MrsX, I don't have any advice or an intelligent answer!

I just wanted to send you hugs and I hope you get this sorted so you can feel better.

Hopefully someone more eloquent than me will come along soon!

colditzmum Sat 19-Mar-05 16:14:39

Have you tried promising not to talk about it, then writing letters to each other? You can't argue then, and it is easier to put real feelings on paper than to say them to somebody you might be quite angry with at the time!

JoolsToo Sat 19-Mar-05 16:19:52

colditz - more good advice - I know where to come if I get any problems

colditzmum Sat 19-Mar-05 16:23:25

Oh my!

What was the first good advice?

Nemo1977 Sat 19-Mar-05 16:28:15

it does seem like u need to talk without talking if that makes you need to let him know what is bothering u and same for him but hopefully in a way it cant be misconstrude..good luck

Tortington Sat 19-Mar-05 19:30:09

can i be so bold and ask - have you ever asked him? made the first move? told him your off to anne summers for a vibe becuase you have to get yours somehow?

you need a good long talk about it.

noddyholder Sat 19-Mar-05 19:31:31


louee Sat 19-Mar-05 19:36:21

i think custardo is right put him in his place!!!! personally if i were you i would wait till Ds is asleep in bed then i would go and get my sexiest gear on then suprise Dh or jump on him!!! good idea eh????

valentine5 Sat 19-Mar-05 19:38:50

hi mrs x,does he give you cuddles and kisses anymore? i think talking with him would be a great idea maybe get a babysitter and go out for a meal just you and him and talk through things and tell him exactly how you feel ,this can only go on for so long before you both get really down about it,you need to get the closeness back if he just iognores it it will just get worse,does he think theres anything wrong? does he ever approach you to talk about it? xx

Dior Sat 19-Mar-05 21:07:02

Message withdrawn

ssd Sun 20-Mar-05 14:08:13

Good advice, Dior.

I completely agree with you

MrsX Sun 20-Mar-05 15:41:43

Yes, I think you are all very right. I do think the love I feel for my son has completely overtaken everything. Perhaps it's mother nature's way of getting the mother (and the father of course) to focus on nothing but the child ? DS is only 9 mo and yes is still quite demanding, but not a fussy baby. He is a very good baby and when the 3 of us are togther we laugh and play loads - he is such a cutie that DH and I do have our daily laugh even if it's focused on the baby.

I guess that should be good enough for now ?

DH still kisses before he goes to work and the other day I was really tired from lack of sleep and the housework (he usually helps on his days off) and started to cry and rant about wanting to leave him. DH had tears in his eyes and came up to me and hugged me and then kissed me on the cheek . I guess he still has feeling for me then ? He doesn't want us to break up and he has told me so. There is still hope then ?

Cube Sat 26-Mar-05 19:22:31

MrsX. I sympathise a lot with you. Our baby boy is 8 months old. Before I became pregnant, my boyfriend saw me as a sexual being and he was proud of my looks and the fact that I had a good career. Now I notice that he no longer treats me like his girlfriend, but the mother of his child, IYSWIM. He hasn't told me he loves me for a long time. When I say it to him, he will say 'you too' but it's not really the same. He has also stopped doing the little things for me that are important. I feel sad about it but I don't know how to make things better.

Branster Sat 26-Mar-05 19:31:00

If you think he is not attracted to you anymore yet you still look and behave the same way you did pre-baby, why would he have married you unless he did have feelings for you??!! are you obscenely wealthy or something?
i don't see why he would change his opinion of you if you appear to be the same person. maybe you communicate differently since DS was born? and you misunderstand each other? maybe you behave differently towards him as well?

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