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HELP! huge row with p- need a moan!!

(24 Posts)
cornishbird Fri 18-Mar-05 10:33:12

Am feeling really upset today that my dp this morning shouted at me for not doing enough housework - apparently everyone else with a stay at home toddler and 3m baby can manage perfectly well! Please tell me this is not the case!!! Or tell me how to grow another pair (or two) of arms! Isn't being sickeningly sleep deprived enough? dp can sleep thru virtually anything and much to my annoyance gets a good 7-8hrs kip every night.

Pinotmum Fri 18-Mar-05 10:39:14

I don't think housework is possible with toddlers and babies. All I manage is to put in some washing and empty the dishwasher most days plus cook meals. When my dh used to sarcastically mention the state of the house I used to say that my main priority was the children and that he should wind his neck in or that he should have married his mother. That used to shut him up.

moondog Fri 18-Mar-05 10:39:35

Sorry???! What an a*hole!!
Has he ever tried to do it himself, for a DAY,let alone a few years??!!!
It is bloody impossible...non stop.

Come on MNers, lots of encouraging messages for Cornishbird and scathing ones for her dp so that she can print 'em off and wave them scathingly in his face!!!!

TracyK Fri 18-Mar-05 10:41:03

god my house was a bomb site till (well still is really).
dh used to 'mention' my 'free' time that i could be tidying when ds was napping. But whats the point, ds just trashes the house once he wakes up again!

dinosaur Fri 18-Mar-05 10:42:20

Well, cornishbird, in our house it's DH who stays at home with the kids, and I can tell you that within two months of me returning to work after DS2, we had a cleaner once a week! Honestly, with a toddler and a 3month old baby, ANY housework you get done is a miracle. And if your DP doesn't believe you, then I suggest you arrange to go out for a day with girlfriends, leave him both kids and a list of chores, and see how he gets on.

HUNKERMUNKER Fri 18-Mar-05 10:44:56

Bloody hell, CB! In your situation, I would (and have) kicked DH each time I had to wake with baby Tell him that if you're expected to manage on a reduced amount of sleep, so should he. And if he grumbles, say 'Well then' in tones of 'now this conversation is over, run me a bath, pour me a glass of wine and hand me the choccies'

mrsflowerpot Fri 18-Mar-05 10:47:18

he is being completely unreasonable and unfair, but you know that. God, our house was a total tip when I had one 3 month old baby and no toddler.

Go out and leave him to cope for a day - or take to your bed with "flu" and see how he manages.

anorak Fri 18-Mar-05 10:47:27

Hopefully he will realise how unfair he is being and apologise. We all say things we don't mean from time to time.

But I think it does all fathers good to be left to manage the children for a day or two. It's the only way they can really understand what it's like.

Kelly1978 Fri 18-Mar-05 10:48:43

U def need to give dp the kids for a day and see how much he can get done. That's the only way men seem to learn. Since I've been in and out of hosp my dp really knows wht it like to be at home with kids and mine are self cleaning too!

mrsflowerpot Fri 18-Mar-05 10:50:45

Or just have a really good moan back at him about anything he has said he'll do and hasn't done, eg mow the lawn or taking stuff to the tip. Or any time he leaves his socks on the living room floor (unless that's just my dh!). After all he has all that free time when he's not out at work, what is he doing with it?

bonniej Fri 18-Mar-05 11:03:51

my dh always seems suprised at the little amount of housework I get done as I am a SAHM with a toddler (and another on the way). He actually did stay at home with her when she was 6 mths old and I returned to work for a spell and he somehow managed brilliantly. The house was spotless the washing done and dinner was on the table when I got in from work!! Haven't a clue how he did it as I just can't seem to get on top of things at the moment let alone when the new baby comes (i reckon he sneakily hired in some help )

cornishbird Fri 18-Mar-05 11:04:59

Thankyou all for speedy support! Just what I needed. Think I need to take all your advice & leave dp (or not so d as he is today!) with them for the day..must dig out my breastpump!
Tried the moaning thing mrs flowerpot (and yes he does leave socks & other stuff lying around) but seems to be in denial! or it boils down to being my fault anyway! Think we're having a tough patch due to increased stress!! Do remember the same thing when i had ds1 but it feels like im on my own when dp being unsupportive..
hunkermunker, have also tried the kicking thing! To be honest it just seems easier to let him sleep as he hardly knows what planet he's on in the night even if he is awake which makes me !! Do get my own back slightly by letting him do early shift with toddler downstairs which buys me maybe an extra half hours kip....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Wish we could afford a cleaner!

PuffTheMagicDragon Fri 18-Mar-05 11:28:37

Of course he's talking out of his rear end. The sooner you can leave him with them to see what it's like the better. If you can express enough milk, I'd be inclined to go away somewhere, anywhere for a couple of days - he needs at least a 48 hour stretch to get the full effect. Oh, and on your return, come back 3 hours earlier than planned so he has no chance of a last minute tidy up.

Blackduck Fri 18-Mar-05 11:33:21

What was that line about 'Tidying up when you have children is like shovelling snow whilst its still snowing.......'

flic23 Fri 18-Mar-05 11:44:00

hi totally sympathise how can some men think its all so easy. My DS is 14 months and i have to do house work in 10 min slots as this is the amount of time he will sit at peace in his play pen. I will not use his naps except for preping dinner as this is my only time "off duty" I would like to see a man use his tea break to do the hoovering. My DP rarely moans but when he is at home and he sees something like the sink needs washing or i havent hoovered under the sofa he will do it in the most condisending manner while sighing!! I then feel the need to point out that before i moved in it was just him, not two adults and a toddler and the place wasnt exactly spotless, i thought the kichen cubboards were beige for first month but actually greasy white

cornishbird Fri 18-Mar-05 11:44:23

very sneaky, puff, i like it!!! now you mention it a week in the sun sounds great...tho would probably spend it all in bed the way i feel right now!
blackduck, agree!!! very fraustrating when i do get chance to tidy 1 room only to find it looks no different 10mins later! thing is, its annoying but i know i've just got to accept that's how things are at the moment..i'm doing my best after all! just wish he could see it that way.

Mirage Fri 18-Mar-05 19:41:08

We had a bout of this just before Christmas.At the time dd was 15 months & I was 4 months pregnant.DD managed to get a bar of chocolate from the centre of the dining table & dh,who should have been keeping an eye on her went spare.Thinking that he was over reacting somewhat,I laughed,only to be called 'bone idle' & told that I was lazy!!!!!!!!!!

I was so shocked that I didn't know what to say.I do all the housework,all the cooking,DIY,look after all the day to day running of the house,cars ect & until a month before,had been working part time too.I had to leave the house & go for a walk to cool down I was so angry.

The next day,I left him alone with dd.Boy did he change his tune.He described her as a little whirlwind & said that he was sorry for what he'd said & that it was a miracle that I got anything done at all.

I think he has a short memory though-I may have to leave him with both children when no2 arrives,just to keep him on his toes.

Dior Fri 18-Mar-05 20:12:10

Message withdrawn

Jaysmum Sat 19-Mar-05 06:41:54

I used to panic so much about our house being clean and tidy.....probably paniced far too much and cleaning it to a ridiculous extent on a weekly basis.
My friends all commented on how clean my house always was.......then I met up with an old friend I hadn't seen in ages. She came to my house and commented on how it was so sparkly......then said
"My house is a bloody tip.....but kids dont remember the dust do they?"

That one comment changed my life.....instead of being Mrs Cleaner all day I am now a full time Mom and the time I spent cleaning I now invest in my kids.....so what if its a bit untidy....we are all so much happier.

anorak Sat 19-Mar-05 08:56:12

Hear hear Jaysmum! I'm reasonably clean and tidy but I do hate housework and put it off a lot of the time. But I often envy really untidy people who spend all day doing crafts and hobbies and chatting with friends, reading to their children, pottering round the garden or playing scrabble.

One day when I can afford it I'm getting a cleaner!

logic Sat 19-Mar-05 09:30:29

No-one with a small child (let alone two) has a sparkly house unless they have a cleaner or childcare! Definately, make dp spend a day or two with the kids and give him a list of household chores to do. I get my cleaning done when ds is at his grandma's house on a Wednesday. Minimum of 4 hours solid cleaning and still by Thursday it's a complete tip again. Impossible. Much better to spend time with the babies than worry about cleaning under the sofa.

Prufrock Sat 19-Mar-05 10:09:57

cornishbird. I am one of those women your dp refers to - 6 months ago I had a 2 year old dd, 4 month old ds and a sparkling house and meal on the table for dh to come home to.

However, I also had my dd in nursery 2 full days a week, and an amazing baby who slept for 12 hours and 4 hours in the day, and was extremely happy to lie on the floor and watch me clean. (Before you get too jealous I consider this my reward for 2 really hellish pregnancies).

Now I have dd in nursery still, but a 10 month old who requires entertaining, and housework standards have slipped *a lot*. Remind your dh that your job is childcare, not housework - if he were paying a nanny to look after your kids he wouldn't expect to come home to a clean house, and he wouldn't leave her to do all the night wakings. You could also try telling him that if he is too tired to do his job properly and makes a mistake <<insert worse thing that could happen if he fell asleep at work>>, wheras if you are too tired to look after your kids properly one of them could be seriously hurt (We know you would never allow that - but he doesn't ).

On a more practical level - the things that helped me keep on top of stuff were expressing so that dh could do the last feed at night (11pm in our case). That meant I could go to bed as soon as dd had and would manage a decent stretch before being woken in the night.
I also admit to unashamedly using CBeebies as a babysitter every night at 5pm. DD and I tidy up her toys in the living room together, then she gets dumped in front of the TV (this is the onlytime she watches it all day) leaving me to take ds into the kitchen to watch me cook/tidy up. I also make dh do bathtime with both by himself so I can clear up after dinner - this means that post bedtime I don't do anything in the house - I think it really important that I have that break.

WideWebWitch Sat 19-Mar-05 11:37:28

My house is a TIP mostly and I have a 16mo and a 7yo. Your dp should be sharing the nights IMO AND coming in and doing some of the sodding housework himself, not having a go at you for not doing it. I totally agree with Prufrock, your job is childcare not being a skivvy. He definitely needs a couple of days with them on his own to understand. I bet he stops moaning then. you could present it as 'perhaps you could show me how easy it is?

Surfermum Sat 19-Mar-05 12:02:08

I don't have a sparkly, clean house and I only have one dd. Once dd was on the move and needing more and more entertaining, I found I was getting stressed because I couldn't keep on top of the cleaning. So now I've decided that the house can wait - I'll do the essentials - but other than that not worry about it until she's in pre-school and I can have a damn good spring clean. I tell dh that she wouldn't be the chatty, happy, contented little girl she is if I left her in her playpen all day and we had a spotless house. Ignore him!

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