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Why do I "hate" MIL so much lately?

(24 Posts)
bibiboo Sun 13-Mar-05 18:52:27

I think this could get to be a big problem in my marriage if I don't address it soon, but don't know what to do. I've posted 2 rants about MIL on here lately so I won't go into details about them, it just seems that everything she says and does p*sses me off! Some times I feel totally justified in feeling like this, other times (mostly after I've moaned to dh about her) I feel like a total b*tch
She is wonderfully generous in looking after dd, and never says no to having her overnight or for the day, mostly about once a week, but she's so opinionated and always right. She flat out contradicts me about my own daughter. DD is a long baby, so obviously following dh's side of the family, and is already too long for her 3-6m vests and sleepsuits and she's barely 5m. Anyway, she also has long feet - not abnormally long flippers or anything - but when I said that in conversation last night she just said "no she hasn't, she's dainty. She's petite and has small hands, feet, face etc etc". She's used the word dainty so much these last 5 months I want to ban it from the English language. DD isn't a chubby baby, she's long and lean, but MIL won't have it. The rest of the babies on my side of the family are dainty - short lil things like the adults, and comapred to them, dd clearly isn't. Now I KNOW this is a stupid thing to get upset over, but today she rang me to ask how she slept in her own room for the first time. She was genuinely interested, but when I told her she woke at 3am (unusal for her) she told me I had to put her on solids. I explained I try her most days with a little bit of something but she usually brings it back, so I'm not going to push her, but again, I was wrong. Same with the vegetarian diet. She said to me yesterday, "you're not seriously going to stop her having meat are you?" when I said yes, I was going to try and bring her up vegetarian, she said "but that's denying her essential nutrients - she should choose for herself when she's old enough". DH did stick up for me and say "Bibi won't DENY her anythng, we're going to make sure she gets all the nutrients she needs" she just poo-pooed it.
Like I said, she is a wonderful gran, but a bossy, opinionated MIL who I think still sees me as a child, not a mother.
What can I do to stop this and get along with ehr again? It's been since I moved in with dh, but 100x worse dince dd came along. I want so hard to get along with her like we used to - I just can't stand to bite my ongue much longer. Help..?!

hercules Sun 13-Mar-05 18:57:18

Sorry but she sounds lovely.

hercules Sun 13-Mar-05 18:57:42

now mine on the other hand.......

Pinotmum Sun 13-Mar-05 19:15:21

I do sympathise as I dislike my MIL but thankfully don't have to see her much. I think you must try and focus on what a lovely granny she is more than what an annoying MIL she is. All new mums are a little sensitive. I expect that she will come round to your way of thinking as she sees what a great job you do as a mum. You can listen to her advice but you don't have to take it so just nodd and smile. My MIL gives no advice now and neither does my mum as my children aren't babies anymore

WestCountryLass Sun 13-Mar-05 19:30:56

Hmmm, well my MIL is dead so I could be talking out of my arse but I think things like the dainty issue you just have to let go as she means no harm. With things like actual parenting then you have to be firm and make it very clear what is acceptable/appropriate if the need arises. Obviously your D is veggy and she can say what she likes about it but if she looks after then she must respect your wishes kwim? Are there any leaflets/books you can give her which back up yourv viewpoint, maybe from the Vegetarian Society?

jampots Sun 13-Mar-05 19:36:59

Firsly congratulations on acknowledging she is a nice person but obviously does piss you off. She sounds like she means well and probably has just fallen back into the "mother" role (even now if im holding something in my arms, i rock back and forth automatically) maybe she cant help herself but actually means no harm. Agree that you shouldnt be swayed into giving dd meat if thats what you've chosen for her. She does sound like a nice granny if not hte best MIL.

One question though, how old were you when dh and yourself got together?

Pruni Sun 13-Mar-05 19:55:28

Message withdrawn

bibiboo Sun 13-Mar-05 19:55:41

Jampots, I first met "MIL" when I was 17, me and dh got together when I was 18, moved in when I was 23, married when I was 24 and I'm now 26. So she does still see me as a child, no?

Thanks for the advice, I can see that i'm being a bit sensitive about silly, silly things, and I should learn to let them go. She is lovely to us as a couple and to dd... but I wish she could be a bit more sensitive about my feeling and wishes for a change. See other thread about house comments that drove me MAD with the other day. Grrrr.

DD is only 5 months at the mo. but the weaning issue is arising and I want to bring her up veggie like me. She was veggie in teh womb and all babies are veggie until wenaed anyway, but I do understand the need to watch for nutritional balance etc. What I resent is her not thinking I am considering this already!

Anyway, am a lot calmer for just writing it all down. Thanks again.

bibiboo Sun 13-Mar-05 19:59:14

Pruni, she thinks she is already very well informed about food issues having been a school cook for years, and working in kitchens funtil 2 years ago. Will make sure I am very knowledgeable about my food info before we speek again.

I've been veggie since I was 11 and have not been ill, ever, apart from the once a year cold, but if you listen to her DD will be a sickly, weedy child with no energy or strenght to figh off illnesses. Thinking about it, her views are quite funny really

TinyGang Sun 13-Mar-05 20:11:42

Well, this is good coming from me as I've had plenty to say re MIL over the years; but try to let her differing points of view wash over you if you can, or this'll drive you nuts. In having it out with her, you could end up throwing the baby out with the bathwater iyswim (hey, good analogy considering the subject!)

You say she's a wonderful Gran (mine is too) and that's all that matters really. Mine comes out with some breathtaking stuff at times and goodness me, does it wind me up!! But, like your MIL she'll babysit at the drop of a hat, is kind and generous to a fault with the children and helps me one day a week with them come rain or shine. The children adore her.

I know we have gaping differences about loads of things, but providing our common interest is the children I just go off for a moan elsewear, then usually feel a bit mean

Who cares that she's not likely to be a great 'friend', your friends are for that. And she can have as many opinions as she wants, you are in charge of how your dd is looked after - she probably thinks she's 'helping' saying all this anyway. Let her get away with a bit, because her help will give you a break, and a break is a precious thing where babies are concerned.

Your dd is still very little and I have noticed it takes a while for everyone to realise what the boundaries are and where they fit into the scheme of things when a new baby arrives. I'm sure it'll settle down for you in a bit and she'll see you're more than able to manage without her advice all the time.

Ha, ha from me though cos my MIL takes credit for everything about my children (their looks, abilities, traits even illnesses!) - it drives me mad; sometimes I wonder if I had anything to do with them! Also her ability to diagnose any kind of condition real or imagined is legendary (she knows better than any doctor!).

WestCountryLass Sun 13-Mar-05 20:16:20

I had a look at the veggy society and their info is not he best as is based on previous guidelines to wean at 4 months and also suggests nut butters at 6 months . Actually it does say that weaning the veggy infant should be the same as the meating one until 6 months plus (8/9 months plus if weaning at 6 months) and then to introduce pulses and dairy. Also probably worth reading up a bit on factory farming and all the shite that goes in meat (hormones etc) too. Good luck!

sestius Sun 13-Mar-05 21:14:22

bibiboo - my MIL was so overjoyed at becoming a grandma that she drove me mad through pregnancy and now that dd is six weeks old still has the ability to wind me up - without meaning to in the slightest. Her worry at the moment is that DD may be a tomboy "no she's not she's going to be a proper girl" - whatever that may mean... And she is of the firm opinion that not giving a child sweets every day is a form of abuse. It drives me mad but I just have to, like you, remind myself of all the many good things about her. She's probably not nearly as annoying as I am...

bibiboo Sun 13-Mar-05 23:10:48

LOL at not giving sweets = child abuse!
MIL is the same - thinks chocolate is "feeding" for little ones. I do not. Me and Dh are both chocaholics beyond saviour, so do not want to encourage dd to eat it until she's a lot older given our weakness for it. MIL sees us as being "food police" and by denying her, she'll want it all the more. I'm not talking about never allowing her sweets, I just don't want it to be a regular part of her diet, when I can help it. I know she'll get it from friends/relatives etc and buy it herself when she's older. I am also aware enough not to make too much of an issue about it.
Will resign myself to knowing MIL will always be right, learn to nod a smile politely while screaming inwardly.

sestius Wed 16-Mar-05 20:49:54

That's it exactly!! Someone else has a MIL who does this! Oh thank goodness..

roosmum Wed 23-Mar-05 13:13:14

oooh, screaming inwardly ... know exactly what that feels like!
ds is 7 weeks old today - FIL has already tried to feed my exclusively BF newborn a chocolate finger, & tried to make him lick boiled sweets ; MIL thinks that not stuffing him with easter eggs for the next however many years is cruelty itself.
in fact, have barely spoken to MIL since ds was born - & she responded to our news from the hosp that ds was born with "that's a name I wouldn't give to a dog" (his name is Rufus - unusual I know, but obviously I love it!). Talk abt killing the moment - she really took the shine off things & I don't think I'll ever forget/forgive ... oh there's so much more too...hmm...!

chipmonkey Wed 23-Mar-05 13:40:15

Know exactly what you mean bibiboo. My MIL had me in tears in the hopital when I had ds1 because she said i wasn't winding him properly, she went on and on about how "this demand feeding" was terrible and we MUST put ds1 on a "routine". Then when I explained that if you don't feed on demand your milk supply doesn't increase she said, "oh maybe thats what happened to me, my milk dried up at 6 weeks" Duh! She constantly says I should give up my job. No solution as to how dh and I will manage financially. And when ds1 was 3 she slapped him on the face for putting fingerprints her nice clean window!.

Reethi Wed 23-Mar-05 14:02:36

OMG. I had thought I was the only one. I promise I will never get like that when DS grows up.

Caligula Wed 23-Mar-05 14:16:36

I think it's partly because it's a relationship which both of you have got to have, but you haven't chosen it for yourselves. So it's very difficult to negotiate it. A bit like with a new boss in an office - both of you know you've got to get along, but you wouldn't necessarily have chosen each other.

I was lucky, I had an ideal MIL, she lived 200 miles away and in a nine year relationship I saw her about 3 times. It was enough!

roosmum Wed 23-Mar-05 14:46:12

I think these MILs have a whole different world going on inside their heads (eg thoughts on BF - had just the same as you chipmonkey - weaning, just so many things in life generally...), I guess they're literally from another age
agree with caligula - neither of us chose this relationship, but have to get on with it I guess! plus we have dh & ds in common as the most impt people in our lives (she has her own dh, but seems to prefer mine ) ... oh it makes for tension tho, huh?!
the long distance thing def helps if you've got it(2 hrs by car ) ... but there's always the redhot phone ... another story, sigh.

roosmum Wed 23-Mar-05 14:48:06

hmm, not sure bout the 'office boss' analogy tho caligula ... in MIL's dreams maybe

Caligula Wed 23-Mar-05 14:51:38

Ah, but whose the boss, roosmum? You or her?

roosmum Wed 23-Mar-05 15:08:27

oooh, I like that!

NotQuiteCockney Wed 23-Mar-05 15:11:32

Things can improve over time with MILs. I didn't get on very well with mine before I married DH. The arrival of DS1 just made things worse - everything I was doing was wrong, why don't I give him formula, why don't I give him sweets, and so on, and so on.

But now that he's three, and a lovely little chap, they adore him. So they've really cut down on criticizing my methods, as obviously they work. And now I've got DS2, and need help in the school holidays, all of a sudden, I find going to stay there, without DH, to be a very practical idea! They take care of DS1, and they're helpful with DS2, too.

We're not best friends or anything, but we do have an interest in common, finally. It no doubt helps that they're more or less on the same page as me - they don't smoke or drink, they believe in car seats, they don't hit children, etc etc.

MrsMedders Wed 30-Mar-05 15:51:05

Before I had DS a year ago MIL was brill, she is different to my Mom (not a bad thing...) but we got on. As soon as I was pregnant she became, cold, aloof and addressed anything to do with our baby to DH! She excluded me completely, my DH asked her to pop in to see me when I was on my own on maternity leave, heavily pregnant, miles away from my family, she rang him back and asked us both round for tea, cos she wanted to see him too! I said after that that is she wasn't bothered about seeing me on my own she could forget coming round when the baby was born... This continued after the birth, she basically used to invited herself round when I was in, then her and FIL passed DS between them, totally ignoring me. I was so unconfident and hormonal I just took it and screamed at Dh when they'd left about how much I HATED bitchtroll. NOw I'm feeling more confident I answer her back and luckily, now I have stopped moaning about her my DH has drawn his own conclusions about the mad, menopausal mare!
She's not that bad, just hormonal and threatened by me and not sure how to act, it will be different when her daughter pops a baby....I cannot wait!
Sorry, this has turned into a rant about my own MIL, but do I feel better for getting that off my chest!

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