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Do you think my parents behavior is acceptable?(sorry very long but causing me distress)

(10 Posts)
happy1 Fri 11-Mar-05 20:38:48

I'm getting married in May. My parents are upset with me because I am getting married where I live, rather than where I was born(and where they live still). This is not the main problem. The night before the wedding I am staying at my future in-laws house with my 2 adult bridesmaids. I have asked my parents to come and stay with us also, with my two younger sisters(aged 11 and 13), but because of something that happened 2 years ago, my parents are refusing to be anywhere near my in-laws. The incident in question was ds 1st bday, my MIL walked into our house and didn't say hello to my mum, because she didn't see her. My mum has taken it so personally, and to this day will not let it go. I have tried to explain to them that they need to come up the night before so as my sisters dresses can be adjusted if necessary, and they can have their hair done etc. They will not even do this one thing for me on my wedding day, and have the cheek to say I'm being selfish. I no longer want to invite them to the wedding, not only because of the way they are being towards me, but for fear of them saying something on the day. But the thought of leaving them out makes me feel so guilty. I haven't spoken to them for 2 months. Am I being selfish? Please help me get over how let down I feel.

WestCountryLass Fri 11-Mar-05 20:48:15

Gosh, no, you are not being selfish at all! Really.

You know sometimes you read tales of woe from primadonna brides and you can see where the other party is coming from but in your case I really think parents ought to get their priorities straight. I mean, you are marrying your man and your ILs will always be a part of yours, and their, lives.

Have you considered writing them a letter so they have everything in black and white?

bambi06 Fri 11-Mar-05 20:59:16

thank god i went and got married on a beach and didnt tell anyone

Shell150 Fri 11-Mar-05 21:01:52

Happy i dont know what to say to you have never been in a situation like this all i can say is you are 100% NOT being selfish this is you and your partners special day and should not be spoilt by anyone!!

I hope you can get everything sorted and hope the big day is lovely!!!

Shell xx

cloudy Fri 11-Mar-05 21:10:35

I truly believe your wedding day is one occasion you are absolutely entitled to be selfish, and other people should bend over backwards to help the day be what you want.

I nearly didn't invite my mother to my wedding, either, she was being such a prat.

Cleothecat Fri 11-Mar-05 21:15:33

Poor You, my parents are often completely mad and infuriating in their own special way too... The thing I'd say is that your wedding day is about you and your other half not anyone else and don't let them take it over. Somehow your parents are becoming the centre of attention on a day that's absolutley about you and your husband. I feel like you're facing two options 1) is that you'll end up having a huge row, partic if you put your feelings and concerns in writing, which in my experience can sometimes backfire in the most bizarre ways because it's all there in black and white... You're not going to have the perfect Hugh Grant style parents behaving perfectly wedding because you part of the group I'm in that means your parents are bonkers, so let that image go now to preserve you own sanity! 2) Having your parents at your inlaws and staying there toboot will cause you unecessary stress when you should ideally be thinking about you, looking beautiful, enjoying the day and thinking about your new husband and your future together and enjoying every minute. If it was me I'd keep the opportunities for rows at an absolute minimum, let them arrive at the church or whatever with everyone else, find a way to get your sisters' bridesmaids dresses at your inlaws in advance without your parents having to stay there and leave your parents to sort their own hair out.

Well that's what I'd do. Sorry about typos and good luck.

happy1 Fri 11-Mar-05 22:48:55

My sisters dresses will be at my MIL's house cos she's making them! She's a proffessional seamstress so it makes sense.
I have actually written a letter to my mum, which did infact backfire, I'm not good at explaining myself at the best of times, it really upset my mum. But I was only being honest.

Cleothecat Fri 11-Mar-05 22:55:02

I'm so sorry it's all so stressful for you. Why not reckon that you've told your Mum what you think now, and don't keep pushing it. She probably wants you to chagne your mind and accept her point of view as much as you want her to change hers... that's the nature of diasgreements

Got confused about the desses sorry! I just mean maybe try and find ways around all the stress if you can - ie avoid it and let it and them be or you wil just be miserable until the big day, which should just be wonderful. No-one agrees on everything all the time and you can either stress out for three months trying to make them do what you want or just live and let and all that and maybe get your sisters to spend the night for fittings etc which could be a big treat if they're young teens.

80sMum Sat 12-Mar-05 00:21:06

Poor you happy1. It's virtually impossible to please everyone when planning something like a wedding, so probably best not to try. You must have the day that you want and your parents will have to respect your wishes and go along with it.

OK, but now I'm going to put on my 'Mum' hat and step into your mum's shoes. I'm a mum of grown up children (25 and 21), and if your mum is anything like me she's probably fantasised about your wedding day for most of your life, had little daydreams of you getting married in white in their local church with all their friends and neighbours on hand to admire their beautiful daughter of whom they're so proud! It's probably a huge disappointment to her that now it's not going to be like that and she's got to accept your decision to do things your way. I'm trying to think how I would feel if my dd didn't want to come 'home' to get married and seemed to prefer her mil to me. I guess it would hurt. I'd like to think I'd be mature enough not to let it show but we're all only human. I expect your mum might be feeling a little rejected and 'pushed out' of things. If I were you, I'd have a heart-to-heart with her and say that you love her and that she'll always be your mum and that no-one could ever take her place and that you'll always need her - and thank her for bringing you up to be independent and able to make your own choices and decisions (including your wedding venue!). That should do the trick! We older mums just need lots of reassurance that we're not redundant.
Good luck with wedding

tallulah Sat 12-Mar-05 17:38:02

80smum you've just said brilliantly and succinctly what I thought when I read the original post. My DD is 19 & spends all her time home from uni at her boyfs house or doing stuff with his mum. I would like to do that stuff with her & do feel rejected. If they were to marry I could see who would be in charge...!

Also, I fell out with my parents over their attitude to my studying, when I went to uni as a mature student. My ILs were very supportive & helped with the kids. My parents seemed more interested in whether I was keeping up with my housework (!) & kept telling me I was neglecting my children . I was so annoyed I was on the verge of inviting the ILs to my graduation instead of my parents.

I can't remember what changed my mind & my dad was thrilled when I rang him with the date & the arrangements. One week after my final exam, and a month or so before the graduation, my dad had a massive fatal heart attack in his sleep. He was only 62 and I thought we had years left. Had I refused to invite them how much guilt would I have had to carry all these years? My mum came to the graduation and brought my grandma. It wasn't the same

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