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You've heard it all before - but here goes...

(39 Posts)
infidelitydiscovery Sun 02-Nov-08 15:59:47

Found text on husband's phone. Affair. With a colleague. She got pregnant. A termination. Seven months of lies. Reeling from the shock.

Kicked him out. Let myself be blackmailed into taking him back. Not happy at all.

He's been unfaithful before. Taken advantage of travel for work. But this is something else.

infidelitydiscovery Sun 02-Nov-08 16:00:24

Can't get my head round it.

expatinscotland Sun 02-Nov-08 16:01:26

get some counselling to help you figure out what you need to do for you.

infidelitydiscovery Sun 02-Nov-08 16:02:11

There's the children to think about though. If it were just me I'd leave.

SmugColditz Sun 02-Nov-08 16:02:37

Oh my God. Does he know you know? Start stashing money NOW before he hides it all. Then get yourself into some counseling.

infidelitydiscovery Sun 02-Nov-08 16:04:05

Yes. He knows. I kicked him out. And he went alternately plaintive and angry and now he wants us to try again.

I can't believe he got another woman pregnant. It staggers me.

MrsMattie Sun 02-Nov-08 16:05:05

I'm so sorry to hear about this. How incredibly hard this must have been on you.

If he has been unfaithful before, I think that changes a lot. This is not 'just' some monumental fuck up of a mistake - it is part of a pattern of behaviour which is disrespectful to you and not conducive to a healthy, happy relationship.

Honestly, can you see any way this relationship can work? It's going to take a complete turn around in attitude from your husband for it to have a hope in hell. Whether or not that's possible - well, only you and your husband can answer that.

Hassled Sun 02-Nov-08 16:07:08

I'm sorry - nothing helpful to say except keep remembering you won't always feel this bad. You can and will get past it - not necessarily with him,but you need to take lots of time to think about that. Don't let him rush you.

And get yourself checked for STDs along the way.

infidelitydiscovery Sun 02-Nov-08 16:07:28

I think he'll do it again. For sure.
I'm not pretending that the marriage was good. It had many problems but it was a long marriage and, in many ways, a rich and intense marriage.
Sometimes I think we could rewrite the marriage rules. Stay together for teh sake of the children. Build on our companionship. find the missing parts elsewhere. But he doesn't want that. He did for seven months though.

Katisha Sun 02-Nov-08 16:10:13

Staying together for the children may or may not be the best thing. Children don't need tension and shouting at home. How amicable couldyou make a rewritten marriage? Would your heart be in it?

judgenutmeg Sun 02-Nov-08 16:10:28

I know that some women do 'try again' but I just know that if my dh did this I wouldn't hesitate to divorce. (For the record, I am happily married but know my own bottom line.)

I would rather be poor and have unhappy children for a while than live and eventually have sex with someone like that.

The fact that he got angry with you turns my blood cold. So sorry for your situation and hope you find some inner strength.

Is there anyone IRL you can talk to? Make sure you tell your family, some men hate it if other people know they aren't perfect. You need support at a time like this.

infidelitydiscovery Sun 02-Nov-08 16:12:47

I've told everybody. Normally, I'm very tight lipped but I've splurged and cried and everything to just about everyone. I've even told my boss at work. I was in such a state that I knew it might come out in my work. Fortunately, I've held it together there.

the problme is cash and the children. Enormous mortgage I can't afford on my own. Just couldn't. And he's trying very ahrd with the children recently. He didn't before. they adore him. I don't know how to be a singlem other.

infidelitydiscovery Sun 02-Nov-08 16:14:16

I know I need time. When I found the text, I rodered him to leave immediately. And sometimes I wish I'd carrie don taht path. And faced each trouble as it came.

but now it's back to "normal" only of course it's not normal.

Perhaps a 20 year marriage doesn't end overnight. And I'm being unrealistic.

MrsMattie Sun 02-Nov-08 16:14:43

The 'for the sake of the children' thing is a myth. You know that, right? Very, very rarely does it make for happier kids in the long run.

infidelitydiscovery Sun 02-Nov-08 16:15:15

I don't know that, no.

infidelitydiscovery Sun 02-Nov-08 16:17:04

Sorry, that sounded curt. I grew up with a single mother and I found it hard. And so did my hsuband. It's hard. But then we both had very absent fathres.

he said that if he had to move out, he wouldn't be able to see the children for a month. And I caved in. I know it's blackmail but i haven't got the emotional skills or poewr to cope with thier hurt.

AreYouCallingMeDarling Sun 02-Nov-08 16:17:19

Oh how horrid for you.

I discovered my dhs infidelity recently, but it was different in that he really wanted to stay with me, proved that to me (as much as he can) and we are working through it. It was a one off monumental fuck up. And I want to stay with him

BUT - I have been through the breakup of a previous marriage where I thought I wouldn't be able to cope. Turned out that he was dragging me down rather than contributing anything to my wellbeing. After he left, it was a relief. And the DC were better, happier, and got on with the new situation.

Don't stay together for the kids necessarily.

Katisha Sun 02-Nov-08 16:18:31

Relate? Just you or both if he'll go.

judgenutmeg Sun 02-Nov-08 16:23:23

I'm in my 18th year with my dh and I know that I would end it.

Big mortgage...I'd hand back the keys if he didn't keep up the mortgage. I'd get housed eventually or find a rental. Life would be financially poorer but it would be free of deceit.

I don't know how women resume a sexual relationship, which involves putting yourself in a very vulnerable situation, with an unfaithful man.

judgenutmeg Sun 02-Nov-08 16:25:08

I'm so glad that you have told people. My sister kept it all to herself and it nearly broke her.

MrsMattie Sun 02-Nov-08 16:27:26

I didn't mean to sound harsh@infidelity

I just think that for two unhappy people, with one person repeatedly betraying the trust of the other, to stay together and put on a facade for the sake of the kids - I just don't see how in the long run it can possibly really make for a happy upbringing and happy kids. And what about you? You sound (rightly) absolutely shattered by this. What if he does it again?

infidelitydiscovery Sun 02-Nov-08 16:28:29

I know we should end it. I just don't know how to take the next step. I shouldn't have let myself be blackmailed into taking him back. That was the problem.

infidelitydiscovery Sun 02-Nov-08 16:32:03

Sorry. Now I've started I can't stop. It's so awful to be me right now. I'm riddled with anger. I hate them both. I hate her and I don't even know her. I feel almost violent towards him. In fact, I have hit him - and I never hit people. I don't know who I am any more.

judgenutmeg Sun 02-Nov-08 16:35:11

Tell him that you have changed your mind and he has until Xday to move out. Go to a solicitor and file papers.

On Xday, invite family around for moral support whilst he either leaves or you pack for him. Change locks.

I'm so sorry, the thought of the termination must be devastating. Your family life disrupted terribly and another life snuffed out. Desperately sad and so very, very selfish.

MrsMattie Sun 02-Nov-08 16:36:10

sad

I'm not just saying this to be kind - I don't there will be a single person who sees this thread who won't think it is totally understandable that you feel like this. Of course you are full of rage and of course you are devastated and of course you are confused. I do think counselling would be good for you right now. You need an outlet for all of this. It's too much to expect to be able to shoulder all these feelings yourself. On a practical note, I would seek some advice from a solicitor a.s.a.p.

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