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How can I tell my DH I have lost respect for him?

(7 Posts)
sad36 Fri 11-Mar-05 08:14:22

My DH has been setting up a business - for 4 years now! He has spent a long time building it up and is now trying to get investors in. Trouble is in my eyes he doesn't exactly work his socks off which I feel in his position he should be. He gets up about 9am, does a bit of work, then goes for a swim in the pm. He says he is thinking about work all the time and has some good ideas while he is relaxing, and I do believe that, but how long can I wait for some action? We live on credit, debt, loans etc which worries the hell out of me and I tell him so regularly. He just gets cross with me and tells me that money and finance are his problem not mine and he will always provide for us. I have lost trust and respect for him. I think he is just lazy. He has always been given everything on a plate and I am sure he believes he doesn't have to work if he doesn't want to. He has never held down a job for long because he always thinks he is better than his boss which is why he wants to run his own business. He says in time it will make us very rich (I don't care about that) but when?? and how long am I expectd to wait for it to even start? If he is this lazy now will he ever work at it if funding does come in? How can I tell him that I have lost faith in hi without just sounding really cruel. I want us to talk about it because it is an important feeling but I don't want it to be a slanging match. Also if I say it bluntly he will just walk out and say thats that.He's very impulsive. I think I would have left by now but we have DD.And its not like I hate him, just feel rather let down

wild Fri 11-Mar-05 08:29:37

I think he will have a good idea how you feel in terms of respect, and it can't be easy for either of you. Sounds like he has made some progress if he's now ready for investment - what kind of business is it? of course people do start their own enterprises and some are successful, despite the risky nature of it. I understand how stressful the financial side must be. Do you work or any chance you could, since he's available to be around for dd? it might take the edge off some of the worry if you were bringing in regular cash too. Sounds like you need to talk with him, in a supportive fashion if you can manage it, this way you will get better answers. Egos are fragile and the running off response I know well. Also he IS working to some extent, I know it winds me up when ds is off doing something relaxing (swim )when I never seem to get the chance to even have a bath on my own anymore, but try and keep this in the background as its not particularly helpful to the initial discussion, which is basically - where are we going with this? Oh, and people always say do this kind of stuff outside the home. So get a sitter! Good luck

sad36 Fri 11-Mar-05 08:34:53

Thank you. That was lovely. I guess I just needed to get things off my chest and be a bit calmer befoer I do talk to him. When I am a bit would up then every little thing gets to me (eg him going for a swim). Life is very different for each of us and I suppose I resent that a bit at the mo when it seems his is much easier than mine. Thanks for kind words and advice. He doesn't want me to work because he thinks its important for me to be there for DD and also says he wouldn't have time to look after DD as he has too much work to do.

wild Fri 11-Mar-05 08:52:59

I knew that swim got to you! I am just the same, I seem to do nothing but work and sleep and although dp works extremely hard he also has 'social' things and the freedom to just 'pop out' grrrr. When I talk to him I find out he feels really under pressure usually about £ and we can both be stewing away about the others perceived failings instead of working as a team. I do hope it goes well for you. I don't know about you but my life used to be 'different' too before ds, lots of going out, freedom ... Your dh sounds quite caring really. Maybe you could arrange that you have a free evening now and then, sometimes for yourself and sometimes for the two of you. Let me know how it goes!

sad36 Fri 11-Mar-05 15:39:43

He is caring really, I know it - just get ovre stressed myself and as he is nearest and dearest, of course he gets all the blame! Sometimes its just nice to vent frustration and for someone to listen! Also to know others are in the same boat! Thanks for listening. Actually he saw my post and I felt awful because I never wantde to upset him. BUt we had a good chat so maybe it was ok.

wild Fri 11-Mar-05 15:48:39

Glad to hear you had a chat. Agree, good to let off steam. Glad things seem a bit better.

decmum Fri 11-Mar-05 16:34:03

Can you call his bluff? Don't make this about criticising his performance because why should you be the villain. Suggest instead that you get a job to ease the temporary financial burden. Maybe he could do some childcare in his thinking downtime.
That way you can defend your thought process as trying to be practical and helpful and if he gets uptight/upset about the mere suggestion you can say 'that wasn't my intention I am just trying to tide us over' type thing. Hopefully this forces him to defend his position more articulately and at the end you can conclude by setting a deadline for the next conversation....so 'ok well let's review again in a months time'.

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