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Feeling sorry for myself..just need to off load. Throw in a box of kleenex tissues and run.

(26 Posts)
hammouhouseofhorror Fri 31-Oct-08 00:39:57

Have done threads about my 10 yr old DS's violent rages. He has always been challenging but last april(07) he started getting violent, both with people and property. Managed to calm it down a little for a few months but since christmas it has been getting worse and worse.

I have a 5 yr old DD who he has often threatened and at one point in the summer holidays I called the police. Mainly because he has a really good side and if he ever did hurt anyone seriously, he would then have to live with that, as would whoever he had hurt. At this point we were getting no help and he was not responding to intervention from anybody and these rages can go on for hours once he is in full steam.

We were offered a referral to social services by the police ( who handled it brilliantly) and I accepted. We also got referred to CAMHS. Our case worker from social services is brilliant and has been massively supportive, especially for me..I do not have the best of health and suffer with depression. I am working really hard to manage this and not let the events in our family completely destroy me. The case worker has got my DS a mentor, who is also excellent. Cut to half term.

Saturday, we have to go to town and DS is annoyed because we insist he comes with us and not allow him toroam the village on his own in our abscense. I have a migraine and desparately need to sit down, have a drink and some tablets. All the queues are long and DS hits the roof when I won't take out a mortgage to buy him a piece of chocolate cake and say we will get a better priced snack elsewhere.
He creates in the coffee shop. We leave, He and H have a blazing row in town and we come home.

Sunday. We go to a sculpture exhibition and he falls out with me because I won't let him 'free-run' on the sculptures and statues. He makes the whole afternoon hardwork with his surly attitude (which we try to 'ignore'). Home in a dreadfull atmosphere, my migraine is clearing but very present.

Monday, no major incidents but he is just challenging and argumentative.

Tuesday, despite having agreed to do it, he has an outburst over half term homework that lasts for two hours. He is verbally abusive and throws a chair at me.

Wednesday, out of nowhere we have a brilliant day and I take the opportunity to 'bond' with him ( I hate that word but hope you get my drift).

Thursday. He goes out with his mentor, who he has clicked with, they go to Mcdonalds and when he gets back, a friend stays all afternoon. After said friend has gone DS starts being nasty to DD, and she really has done nothing to deserve it. I remind him it is not on and he throws a complete strop. Throws his phone, smashes a toy he brought with his pocket money today, throws his phone again ( I hide it) an screams at me that i am a miserable old cow. His dad joins the scene and instead of stepping in and calming him down which I really really need, he winds DS up further. I am screamed at again, more names, more abuse, so leave the room at which point DS dissolves 'sorry, sorry' aand wants a hug. Which I can't give him (sad, bad mum).

Eating dinner makes me feel sick and I try to go out for a run. I usually try to turn the negativity into something positive and try and shave a couple of minutes off my 10k time or something but can not really run tonight and wind up crying in the dark and twisting my ankle (not badly).

I feel useless and pathetic tonight and am just going in circles. Try, try, try to be positive for all, keep working at DS's issues ( of which ther are many). But I want to let all My frustration and hurt out and say all the crap things that everybody else says and damn the consequences, but words hurt....I know.

Try to stuff for myself to stop it all from getting too much but not today. sad sad.

Can't talk to my Mum and Dad much as Dad has big blood pressure problems, and try not too offload on friends too much.

DD lovely, but bewildered..sad for her too.

We are getting all the help we can but it seems a long road and I just get so tired. If we reap what we sew, I really screwed up somewhere didn't I?

If you read this I am sorry, and thank-you.

Habbibu Fri 31-Oct-08 00:47:19

Wish i had something to say, but didn't want to read and not post. hope you get to look back at this post in time to come and say "wow. Haven't we come a long way?"

PhantomOfTheChocolateCakeAvena Fri 31-Oct-08 00:48:31

sad Did they not offer you any family support or family therapy? Any strategies that would help you when he's like this?

You have not screwed up. There's no manual telling you how to raise a child or what to do if they start to behave like this. You are doing all you can for him.

hammouhouseofhorror Fri 31-Oct-08 00:51:32

No family support directly, but the case worker has given me loads of numbers to cotact him, especially as I bear the brunt of it.

Thanks to both.

I think I get tired of bottling it all up in RL and trying to do normality.

PsychoAxeMurdererMum Fri 31-Oct-08 00:52:50

I have no wise words, but I can leave a <<hug>>.

GinghamRibbon Fri 31-Oct-08 00:55:01

Ok, I am not sure if I am reading this right. DH is on the scene but as you called him H at one point, you are not very happy with him either??

Like Habbibu I didn't want to leave you to worry about this and probably will not have much help for you.

If you and your DH are being given help, is there any sort of 'time out' going on. One parent I know takes out a pillow case with her and makes the little ones do 'time out' by sitting on it to calm them down.

I do really feel for you as I have a very challenging DS and he sometimes reacts with me as I do him. It's scary and he is sometimes horrible to his little sister too. I am working on not getting shouty at the moment as he was picking up on it. I have also banned tv from my house which has had a monumental effect on his behaviour. Good luck and perservere. I am not being very helpful am I, but I really hope it works out for you.

hammouhouseofhorror Fri 31-Oct-08 01:04:37

H and I have our own issues but I don't want to over complicate the thread. We differ on our attitude to DS and how to deal with him, which I know is a major factor.

Time out results in 'make me'. DS is a strong 10 yr old. Trying to go down that road is a challenge. We have an earning and withdrawal of privilages thing but that can make him worse also.

Thanks for any advice and the hug.

GinghamRibbon Fri 31-Oct-08 01:24:17

I think you are fabulous for the running. Experts say that exercise/running is great for depression so a HUGE well done for that.

I DO know about the withdrawal thing, when we stopped Jetix, DS was awful to begin with. (To explain, I used to smack but vowed that as soon as my son was old enough for discussion I would not do it anymore, hence the stopping of TV. We are on week 4 and I have to say that I have noted a marked improvement on his behaviour not sure if this would work on a 10 year old). Does your DS play on PC games, could you stop this. I know it sounds horrible but would you be able to draw him into family games like Frustration (not a pun) that your DD would like as well. It will be hard but pursuing the whole family thing does work. I have seen it work and am trying it now. Put aside some time for all of you to do something even if he has been really really challenging and let him know that yes you do love him but are not afraid to change stuff. Ban all telly apart from the news or DVD's that your DD likes. Does he have his own room. I would consider removing anything of interest in his room for time out even if you have to put a clip & hook on the outside or physically stand there and hold the door. It's really hard but he will adjust to this gradually. Once again, I am not sure this will help and it DOES help to have your DH on your side so you are both singing from the same stage.

misi Fri 31-Oct-08 01:41:08

has your doc ruled out the usual hormonal problems?

Jacksmama Fri 31-Oct-08 02:54:32

I have no advice at all but my heart hurt when I read about you running in the dark and twisting your ankle -- can do nothing for you except send big, huge, enormous, warm comforting hugs. I wish I could hand you a Kleenex in person. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

littlestrawberry Fri 31-Oct-08 03:29:57

Sorry I've no advice at all but didn't want to pass by without offering support and a hug. I hope things get better when school goes back next week if not before.

MrsMattie Fri 31-Oct-08 04:43:17

What a difficult situation. I really feel for you sad.

My sister had behavioural issues when we were growing up (very angry, big outbursts, verbally and sometimes physically abusive towards my mum, extreme anxiety...etc).

Eventually, we were referred for family therapy, and she also had one-to-one therapy (very difficult to get her to go, but eventually she did). Is this a possibility? It seems like you could really do with: a) more strategies for coping with your son's behaviour as a family; and b) a regular outlet for your own feelings. This must be incredibly hard on you all.

hammouhouseofhorror Fri 31-Oct-08 08:02:51

Doc has not ruled out hormones, he certainly feels like a teenager. ( I call it 'Kevin' behaviour as he is like the Harry Enfield character sometimes.

He doesn't watch much telly, and what he does watch is mostly DD's choice, as he would rather be on the computer. He spends limitted time on his games system. But he does like the internet. The computer is in the living room (with 'open plan' kitchen so I can see what he is on at all times.). He mostly goes on You-tube, free-running sites, fairly innoccuous games and is showing an interest in Bebo, which I am unsure about at his age.

I agree family time is key, but it hard work too achieve and I do get tired of being the family motivator. I take him cycling. There isn't much of interest in his room as he has broken most of his stuff. We tried keeping him in his room, he put two (quite old) glass panels out, and smashed the wooden panels.

The mentor is supposed to build up a relationship with him to give him one to one help but it is early days yet. The mentor is fab..even took DS out on days when I was working as I have to take DC's with me.

Mn is a fabulous outlet for my feelings and I would not have coped over last few months without the supprt of the amazing women on here. Even if the advice is something we have used before or does not work, it is still deeply appreciated that people take the time to read my threads and try to help.

Things are OK with (d)H! but not ideal as it has been hard getting him on board. The relationship is amicable and affectionate enough for the childrens sake, but it really is a completely different thread and my main focus is poor DC's.

Thanks again to all,...another day, put on a bright face, look for rainbows.smile

(hugs very much appreciated)

pipsqueak Fri 31-Oct-08 08:23:51

hope today is better for you xx

hammouhouseofhorror Fri 31-Oct-08 11:40:27

OK for now thanks pipsqueak,,he's trying to earn the chance to go trick or treating with much encouragement but good days result in him talking like a three year old!hmm. But at least nothing gets broken.

I brace myself for weekends and will have to get my bike out whilst my ankle mends.

Feeling less fraught and have regained my composure a little,
with many, many thanks to all.

misi Fri 31-Oct-08 13:34:06

can you ask your GP to check hormone levels as this does sound like a hormone or neuro transmitter imbalance. my exs brother was like this at 12, he ended up throwing a knife at his mum, narrowly missing her, got the GP to do a hormone check and he had abnormally high levels of DHT (dihydro testerone) which drop for drop is 10 times more powerful than ordinary testosterone. DHT is the hormone that is responsible for puberty in boys and should peak but then subside quite quickly. sometimes though, it can stay elevated to a lesser extent (signs in adult males of elevated DHT are baldness and hairy bodies) or when in adolescence, it can peak and cause an imbalance in the brain chemistry. best to see if you can get this checked even if only to rule it out. if it is excessively high then there are natural and drug treatments to reduce the levels of DHT

hammouhouseofhorror Fri 31-Oct-08 13:56:00

Will mention to the doctors about DHT, we are getting his sleep problems looked at. thanks misi

chocaholic73 Fri 31-Oct-08 14:55:44

How is he at school? Is this a fairly recent problem or has he always been hardwork. I do feel for you. I am often on the receiving end of my 11 year old dds aggression and have been thumped on many occasions. Hers is due to processing difficulties and overload but it doesnt make it any easier to deal with and I do feel for you.

hammouhouseofhorror Fri 31-Oct-08 15:05:44

He is OK at school and the routine seems to suit him, whereas at home it causes much dissention.
He has always been challenging, we have had him assessed for ADHD etc. We have four children between us so his 'unique' approach to life stands out. All of the other three are pretty laid back. I think this makes it worse for him as he sees himself as the one with problems. He started arguing when he learnt to talk!
Don't have too many bad days myself and am getting better at dealing with it but once in a while it floors me, and I ache for him.

He has got so much potential.

He has hugged me properly and said a really nice sorry.smile He knows how much I love him and I hope that helps.

Jacksmama Fri 31-Oct-08 15:52:57

Just wanted to pop by and give a hug. I think the hormone suggestion is brilliant. I was lying awake a bit last night and started thinking about your situation and the excessive testosterone idea occurred to me too.
xoxoxoxoxox

OrmIrian Fri 31-Oct-08 15:58:33

oh hammou sad

No advice but lots of sympathy. I too have a lovely, loving boy who can also turn into an angry stroppy monster. But nothing like as bad. In fact I think he's improving.

I agree that showing that you love him inspite of it all is very important.

Hope you get some help soon

Acinonyx Fri 31-Oct-08 16:53:44

That sounds incredibly tough. Is there any chance of having family or similar therapy with a view to getting you and dh on the same page? I think most of us have some problems in that department, even if they are reltively small. An objective witness might help you both negotiate some common ground rules.

hammouhouseofhorror Fri 31-Oct-08 18:22:29

Thank-you.

dh has come around a bit but it has been a hard process, and this isn't supposed to be mean but he is trying harder now that there are outsiders involved. I try not to be but I am a little bit bitter that I have had to pull so hard for all the family, but I know I have to deal with that.

It has all changed me so much, I am not sure who I will be if/when we come out of the other side, ( apart from being fitter and thinner!).

I saw his mentor while I was shopping and wanted to get 'therapied'. My sense of humour is creeping back so at least that is something.

GinghamRibbon Sat 01-Nov-08 02:19:58

Sorry I have got back to this thread really late.

I think the PC needs to go and live somewhere else, like your bedroom, so he cannot access it. I am very tired so will not bang on. But if this is key - you have solved it. Take it away. Let him have small access to it gradually. If you behave you can go on the pc for 1 hour this weekend.

GinghamRibbon Sat 01-Nov-08 02:24:56

Something that my DH would do is absolutely larrup his arse for putting through a window. I know that isn't helpful, but someone does need to take a firm hand here. I hope I am not being nasty. Just firm.

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