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is my marriage over?!!!!!

(7 Posts)
witchywooo Fri 31-Oct-08 00:18:05

Sorry this is long! Over a year ago i found out that my husband had slept with a work collegue. It happened only once, but they had kissed a few times and been flirting for a few months prior to the event. When i found out i was totally broken as i was 6 months pregnant with our first child. He admitted to using no protection and so i had a std check and was given all clear. I decided to stay with him as i had to take some blame for the state of our relationship. We lived apart a lot of my pregnancy due to work comittments and our sex life was mainly non existant. One year later and i still cant seem to move on. I have so many questions that he never answered but whenever i try to talk about it, he goes mad. He doesnt seem to understand how hard it is, knowing that they slept together in our bed. We often see her in town, although he did, at least, leave the job she worked at. My husband has offered to move away and start again, but i have friends and family here. I dont trust him anymore and fear that one day i wont be enough for him, just like in the past. I also constantly feel like doing it back to him. Not because i want sex with someone else, but i want him to feel the pain that im going through. Since telling me, my husband had a break downn and finds it difficult to talk about. He always tells me he loves me and he would never do it again because he knows what he nearly lost but im not sure if i believe him. Once a cheat, always a cheat?!!!!!! When will this pain go away, i think about what happened every day.

chipmonkey Fri 31-Oct-08 00:29:51

witchysad I don't necessarily think that infidelity means the end of a marriage; sometimes it can be a wake-up call if things aren't right but your dh is being very unreasonable not to discuss it with you. Did you have any counselling at the time?

blinks Fri 31-Oct-08 00:38:24

it sounds like you've not been communicating effectively for some time so the rut you are in will be hard to get out of until there's some straight talking... it might help to have some marriage counselling to help you both.

witchywooo Fri 31-Oct-08 00:53:17

we havent been to any conselling and i do think we need it. I feel communication is key- i find it easy to talk about how i feel and how our relationship is but my husband doesnt. To be honest i knew that being apart, at the time, was difficult but also knew it would come to an end once i started maternity leave. With the sex, i seemed happier with a cuddle and because he didnt complain I thought he was ok with that too. But in reality he was like a dog on heat and went along, not getting it because he didnt want to push me.

midlandsmumof4 Fri 31-Oct-08 00:56:59

Oh,witchy-I so wish I could hug you and tell you that everything will be OK. It will be eventually but its up to you. Your OH will never answer all of you questions-same as mine wouldn't. I also wanted to hurt him as he had hurt me but I'm not that kind of person. So I let him think I'd done the same thing blush-not a good idea!! It takes a long, long time for the trust to come back. For some it never does. Our relationship is stronger now than then and Your OH sems to have suffered more than most, so maybe he really is sorry, as mine was. You'll never forget-but the pain will subside especially as you now have a child to think about.

witchywooo Fri 31-Oct-08 01:07:03

I do feel that he is really sorry and constantly asks ways in which he can prove how much he loves me- such as moving away, changing career etc. We now have two children and he loves family life dearly. I suppose i wonder if my pain will ever go. If we go out and a good looking waitress serves us, im always wondering if he fancies her. I know its silly but we meet at a very young age and had only ever slept with each other. I lived in a bubble where i thought i was the only person he found attrative. I too am not the type of person to have revenge sex but have thought about telling him i have to make him feel bad. Did you tell your husband that it wasnt true?

mumoverseas Fri 31-Oct-08 05:46:09

oh witchy, wish I knew what I could say that could help you at such a difficult time.
I've been through this with my first H many years ago. He had an affair when our DS was a tiny baby and although I tried to forgive him I couldn't. To be honest, it wasn't just about the affair though, it was his constant lies. He lied about absolutely everything, really stupid lies and it got to the stage that I couldn't believe a word he says. Even years later after we've both re-married (although his wife left him after 6 months!) he is still lying to me and the kids (we have minimum contact for the sake of the kids aged 15 and 12). However, IF, it had just been the one off affair and he had left his job, I think I may have been able to forgive him and move on. Think the problem you have is that although your DH has changed jobs, you still occasionally run into this woman and that will obviously bring it all back. I can understand that you don't want to move away from your family and friends which makes things really hard for you.
You have been given some good advice already and I do agree that counselling is the way to go. He needs to understand that as far as you are concerned, it has not gone away and clearly won't until you talk through it. Its one thing to talk about it between you, but clearly you need a third party there so counselling/mediation would be the best option for you. He needs to understand how strongly you feel about this and that it won't just go away. I hope that he will agree to the counselling but if not, find a counseller and go on your own. He/she will help you see things more clearly and hopefully decide what you want to do. Good luck x

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