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Dilemma or not??

(8 Posts)
AGHMEN Thu 10-Mar-05 14:03:19

Ok have changed my name for this! Im a wimp!!

Not really a dilemma just wanted to know what all you lot think. I have already made my decision but think its an interesting thing to discuss.

I have just had some texts off an ex boyfirend. We were together when i was 16 for 4 years and he is now 38. We split up after 4 years and i moved away and had a child but we kept in contact and actually started sleeping together when my son was 1. I then met my dh and stopped sleeping with ex bf. EX BF lives 180 miles away and although i tried to stop contact with him i have found it very difficult and still text him occassionally but only ever in reply. ANYWAY if dh knew i still spoke to exbf he would be gutted so i dont tell him.

I had a text today saying that ex still loves me and wanted to know if i felt the same. I replyed saying im happily married and love my dh and that my feelings for ex are complicated. I sent another text saying that it didnt work before because ex wouldnt marry me or have children and that he couldnt have changed that much. EX replied that he would marry me etc now because he has realised what he has lost. I text back saying that wasnt fair on me as i love my dh and ex shouldnt put me in that position. Ex replied that he would leave it with me.

Now, although i know i wont leave my dh for my ex im a little shaken. I do still love ex but i think i love the life i had with him as we had no responsibilities etc. I love my life with dh and i love him but part of me wants the excitement i had with ex. It s all very wierd and i feel flattered but dont know what to do about ex. Do i cut all contact now although this wouldnt be easy after 9 years of talking atleast every week! I hate having secrets from dh though and cant tell him about ex as he would immediately assume i was having an affair!


nutcracker Thu 10-Mar-05 14:13:11

Before everyone posts to say for you to steer well clear (which obviously is the correct advice), i have to say that I would love to be in your position, but my ex doesn't want to know.

AGHMEN Thu 10-Mar-05 14:16:57

I dont want to be attacked for lying to my dh as i hate it already but the pull with me and ex is very strong. I know it wouldnt work with him and i dont want to give up what ive got but its a hred decision to make. Obviously i have choose really cos otherwise its always gonna be this way. I dont think i can have my cake and eat it! Dont want to hurt dh either but it hurts to think i wont ever talk to ex again!

lulupop Thu 10-Mar-05 18:02:27

"I know it wouldnt work with him and i dont want to give up what ive got but its a hred decision to make"

I know exactly how you feel. Something similar happened to me a couple of yrs ago. In my case, I shared less history with the ex than you do with yours, but the pull between us had always been v strong. At the time, dh and I were having a very bad time and basically I felt bored with him, unappreciated, unattractive, and like I deserved a little excitement.

So I indulged myself, and obviously it was all a massive disaster, dh found out, the ex and I never really did anything anyway as we both felt so guilty, and as a result I have never been able to speak to the ex again, so I've lost his friendship as well.

meanwhile, nothing has got any better with dh, but he has been able since then to blame all our probs on "your affair"

You know what you have to do. Your ex has been very selfish in expressing himself to you so clearly when you've told him you are in love with your dh. It is hard to sever a tie like this, but you must realise that if you don't, sooner or later you're going to do something you will regret.

I know how preachy I sound, and God knows, I know how strong a sexual attraction can be, but don't let it rule your head.

Someone once said to me "If it feels wrong, it probably is", advice which I wish I'd taken a little sooner in my own life!

nutcracker Thu 10-Mar-05 18:36:10

Just wanted to apologise for my earlier message as it wasn't really at all helpful. Am in a funny mood today.

Obviously if anything happens with your ex then yes you will be putting your marriage at risk, so you need to decide if you are prepared to lose your dh over your ex. If you decide though that you want to stay with your dh then i think you would have to stop all contact between yourself and your ex, else it would be too hard.

wild Fri 11-Mar-05 08:38:13

Well if you have already made your decision, what was it?
'he would marry me know because he realised what he has lost' line if I ever heard one
Stick with dh! you chose him over ex in first place, it's pretty clear why!

bubbly1973 Fri 11-Mar-05 09:13:20

aghmen, i assume your dh has accepted your child and your child accepted him?...if you did start meeting up with your ex and then left your dh to be with ex there is no guarantee that he will get on with your little one so would be a big gamble

that is just food for just putting a scenario together to help you know that your probably better off where you are and work on your relationship with dh to get some excitement back.

you know all this obviously, but a shove in the right direction helps sometimes.

although nutcracker.....wouldnt it be exciting to have this thrill in our lifes every now and again, kind of keeps you on your toes

nutcracker Fri 11-Mar-05 09:38:11

Oh yeah Bubbly, definatly, could well do with some excitement in my life at the mo.

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