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If - your a really sociable person but your dh/dp wasn't and you either had to socialise without your dh or not at all.........................................

(67 Posts)
sallyspookypoisonberry Thu 30-Oct-08 19:12:14

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sallyspookypoisonberry Thu 30-Oct-08 19:15:23

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needmorecoffee Thu 30-Oct-08 19:16:07

I socialise alone cos DH doesn't do people. So I take ds2 to HE camps alone and the few times I've dragged dh along he wont come to the campfire.
Does bother me sometimes that other poeple's dh's are round the campfire but he's been like it 20 years so isn't going to change now.
The advantage is he looks after dd while I go socialise grin

LadyLaGore Thu 30-Oct-08 19:16:20

yo sal
some of all of the above. at dsifferent times.
will answer more later, when kids are in bed

twinsetandpearls Thu 30-Oct-08 19:16:56

My dp is not very social, is quite introvert and competely tee total I am an attention seeking drunk.

Dp hates social events and it used to really frustrate me and it has come close to splitting us up, tbh it is still not certain if we will stay togther but not because of that issue.

I tend to socialise on my own, bringing him out just for weddings and big occasions.

SharkyandGeorge Thu 30-Oct-08 19:18:11

1, No wouldn't try and force/change them

2, yes would carry on socialising on my own

3, I would do this as well as on my own but wouldn't not go to things I wanted to just because DP didn't.

4, maybe a 3, not a great deal, he is an adult and capable of deciding for himself what he wants to do, and if he would rather stay at home than socialise with people he likes and people who like him, then well thats his look out.

5, no wouldn't make me want to separate if I was happy in other parts of our relationship.

sallyspookypoisonberry Thu 30-Oct-08 19:22:36

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sallyspookypoisonberry Thu 30-Oct-08 19:24:04

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beaniescreamyb Thu 30-Oct-08 19:28:03

I can't talk from experience but my sister's husband suffers from bi-polar and so is not often out. She, I gather, gets quite frustrated by it but does still socialise with friends, with me and other family.

sallyspookypoisonberry Thu 30-Oct-08 19:28:52

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prawncrackers Thu 30-Oct-08 19:30:13

This was a big factor in ex and I splitting after 16 years, it became worse as time went on. It got to the stage where I really couldn't face the thought of spending the next 16 years doing the same.

beaniescreamyb Thu 30-Oct-08 19:31:10

"My dp is not very social, is quite introvert and competely tee total I am an attention seeking drunk." grin

beaniescreamyb Thu 30-Oct-08 19:33:17

"he said I had to stop organising stuff at the last minute .....all I said was - I have to buy some paper cups for tomorrow as I have a gang of children coming to mine for hot choc, before myself and 2 friends take them trick or treating, then to the friends house for a party - adults invited also."

Do you include him in the organising? Is there a small chance he feels a bit pushed out or is he just a miserable git grin?

Maybe you could start to involve him? Do you think that would work or am I barking up the wrong tree?

sallyspookypoisonberry Thu 30-Oct-08 19:35:35

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filthymindedSixSixSixen Thu 30-Oct-08 19:36:18

Sally I could have written this OP...

But no, it hasn't affecetd our relationship to the point of 5.
Last year we both made a concerted effort to find him some soul-mates/drinking buddies (as he is just so damn choosey when it comes to socialising and has lost a lot of his confidence in a sort of mid-life crisis situation)
It got to the point where he didn't want to go out wth just anyone, but resented me being out IYSWIM.
He now goes out once a week with some fellow geeky types. Which means I feel I can go out with my friends and not worry about him feeling out of his comfort zone.

sallyspookypoisonberry Thu 30-Oct-08 19:40:30

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MarmadukeScarlet Thu 30-Oct-08 19:42:20

TSAP We are more similar that I though grin <stalk>

I often go without DH or I really don't enjoy myself. I feel so responsible for his enjoyment (or lack of) that I remain by his side feeling resentful or I have one to many and then talk to someone for too long and get accused of abandonment/flirting depending on the attractiveness/sex of person.

The one party we've gone to this year where we both had fun my good friend brought her equally anti-social DH and they get on like a house on fire!

What pees me off though is my Dh used to be a well know DJ (pete tong used to be HIS warm up act) and he runs his own co where the majority of his job is entertaining. <scratches head> Maybe I am a bad influence?

hullygully Thu 30-Oct-08 19:42:23

Wow - that's your real name?

twinsetandpearls Thu 30-Oct-08 19:42:35

I really understand as it does sound like the relationship between me and dp. It does really piss me off.

MarmadukeScarlet Thu 30-Oct-08 19:43:04


sallyspookypoisonberry Thu 30-Oct-08 19:46:53

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CorpseBrideOfJohnCusack Thu 30-Oct-08 19:57:18

my DH is like this and I have learnt to live with it, so mainly 2&3 BUT with quite a bit of gentle 1-ing

very gradually I have got him so he does socialize a bit more, and even now has a couple of things he does with friends every couple of weeks. It's still a struggle to get him to do things, and we still do have quite a few spats over it, but there is no danger of 5 (although I'd say in the past it's crossed my mind).

it can be INTENSELY frustrating though, less so when he admits he needs to try a bit harder (but equally I have to remember that my need to socialise is much greater than his, and that if he DIDN'T prefer staying at home I wouldn't be able to do so much because of the children!)

Ellbell Thu 30-Oct-08 19:59:01

1. No would not try to change him. Tried that; didn't work; fights ensued.

2. Yes, absolutely, though I'd always tell him my plans and give him the option of joining in if he wanted to, but I wouldn't ask his permission.

3. God no...

4. Ummm... can't answer on scale of 1-10. Friends now known that Mr Ellbell doesn't 'do' socialising and invite him but are not bothered if he doesn't come.

5. No, because I have a better time without him and he has a better time being a recluse.

(Mr Ellbell is not actually a recluse, he just likes to socialise on his own terms only. Best to just give him the option but not be offended if he doesn't take it. In his case it's not low self-esteem, though, as much as general misanthropy.)

foxinsocks Thu 30-Oct-08 20:01:45

fing is, don't you know this when you marry them though? not that that's a get out clause for them...

sallyspookypoisonberry Thu 30-Oct-08 20:02:58

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