Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please tell I a freak?

(10 Posts)
greeneyedgirl Thu 30-Oct-08 15:34:13

Ok, feel like an idiot writing this, but please hear me out if you can. Been going out with my dp for nearly a year and things appear to be ok, but I have a niggle which is starting to concern me.

I find him incredibly attractive and would quite happily pounce on him at any given opportunity, and the feeling seemed to be mutual until recently. I seem to think about sex alot, because I love what we do and he is gorgeous, but it is beginning to seem a little one sided, which is making me feel a tad unwanted. I know he is tired because he has a very demanding job with long hours and I totally understand that, and in no way do I demand sex from him at all.

But I am now letting him initiate it all the time as it is very hard to tell whether he is "in the mood" or not, I don't feel confident to instigate it. Also we used to love exchanging naughty texts etc, but if I do that now (very occasionally I have to say) he no longer reciprocates. I am now thinking that I am a freak for thinking about sex as much as do and I am also starting to worry that he is just not into me anymore.

Not really sure what to do in this situation as it has been me in past relationships who has lost my libido, but that was because I just didn't fancy the guys enough. Could this now be happening to me?

OptimistS Thu 30-Oct-08 16:20:20

Could be that he's not happy in the relationship, but I wouldn't jump the gun and assume that just yet. Sounds to me like the honeymoon period has just worn off, that's all.

It sounds like you're trying quite hard not to pressure him about this, which is great as pressurising him would backfire. But, leaving him to instigate sex when he wants might inadvertently might make him feel pressured and you may start feeling resentful. Sorry to point out the obvious, but the only way you're going to solve this is to sit down and have a proper talk about it.

People do vary quite a lot when it comes to their sex drive. It doesn't matter really unless you're at opposite ends of the spectrum. You need to work out what you both consider an ideal amount of sex individually and a reasonable amount as a couple. The difference probably won't be as extreme as you think. As long as you are both prepared to discuss this openly and there are no other problems going on, it should work out fine.

greeneyedgirl Thu 30-Oct-08 16:31:46

Thanks for the reply, I agree with what you say and it makes perfect sense. My problem is that although I have quite an outgoing personality, I am quite passive in relationships (due to being hurt before) and hate confrontations or feeling that I have upset someone. So I tend to do whatever they want and not say anything about what I need.

This is quite destructive and I know that my current dp has noticed this with little things and it irks him slightly. I really do wish I had the courage to be a little more forthright, because I am quite feisty in reality. The other thing is we tend to only see each other at weekends, although we speak every day on the phone and msn, so it's pretty impossible for me to pressure him into sex. I guess the crux of the matter isn't really the sex, I suppose his decreased sex drive has just made me feel a bit unattractive to him.

It worries me that I don't feel I can talk to him about basics. For example, I am about to go on holiday abroad and I mentioned to him the other day that I didn't have long before the off and he got annoyed with me for bringing up. So I feel a bit wary talking to him about some stuff.

honestfriend Thu 30-Oct-08 16:39:02

how old are you both?

it may be just the normal stage of a relationship- the "honeymoon" period doesn't last forever and he may have moved out of it , but still care for you.

ask him?

greeneyedgirl Thu 30-Oct-08 18:20:15

We are both approaching mid 30's. How do I ask him? Am rubbish at this, do I just say are you still happy with me? I think I would like to ask him where he sees the relationship going as he has yet to meet my dd (my fault there). Would it be ok to just ask him that?

TinkerBellesMum Thu 30-Oct-08 18:44:31

Are you me? Actually maybe not, we've been together longer, I'm younger and he's older, but this sounds a lot like us.

You need to sit him down and talk to him, try to work out what's going on. You'll only end up resenting him if you don't. It could be that you're just settling into the relationship and things are slowing down compared to the early days, that it's happening quicker for him than you.

lilacclaire Thu 30-Oct-08 18:56:09

Definetly sounds like the honeymoon period is over for him and this is what it will be like long term for you guys.

Im exactly the same with my dp, would jump him at any given opportunity, but he is simply not like this (of course he was at the start though).

It is a big shock when the honeymoon period is over for them and not you though.

We have had the 'talk', he has explained that 1. He still loves me very much and still fancies me like mad and
2. He just doesn't have the same sex drive as me.

greeneyedgirl Thu 30-Oct-08 19:31:16

I know we need to talk and I am a bit scared to if I'm honest. He used to compliment me quite often and made me feel really special, and although he is still affectionate at times, it just makes me feel like I'm either not worth the effort or he just doesn't fancy me as much anymore.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill then?

lilacclaire Fri 31-Oct-08 10:39:46

Your not making a mountain out a molehill, well maybe a wee bit smile.

Honestly, you could be talking about me and my DP with the compliments as well, he does it so rarely now he usually gets the 'what have you done now' when he compliments me !

Try not to stress about it.

mocca Fri 31-Oct-08 11:08:54

You sound very similar to me greeneyedgirl (I have green eyes to!)in that you have a strong personality apart from when it comes to men. With me that's down to previous relationships (starting with my dad)and I was always scared to say anything about what I needed for fear of scaring them off. I'm now with a man who I feel secure enough with that I can be true to myself but am still a work in progress.I think that after a year, you should absolutely be able to talk about where the relationship's going - have you no idea what he wants?

If you want a commitment you could start by saying something like "would you ever get married again" (if he's been married before) or "do you see yourself living with someone". Also, after a year it's absolutely fine to introduce any children and I'm surprised this hasn't been discussed before. Does he have any kids, I'm assuming not. From what you say, I don't think sex is the core issue here - it's you feeling secure enough to talk about your needs and to feel that he'll listen. I know it's hard, but you owe it to yourself to address whatever it is within you that's stopping you from doing this. If you don't, your feelings of insecurity and resentment will grow and the relationship will go downhill. Give this man a chance to meet your needs - he might well be able to - and if he can't then you need to start thinking about whether he's right for you. One more thought (again, very like me), I think you may be viewing sex as something that makes you feel secure with him
but if you don't feel secure about the relationship overall, no amount of sex is going to change that.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: