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Please tell me how you would interpret this.

(22 Posts)
honestopinionsplease Tue 28-Oct-08 19:37:20

We have one DD (11mo). DP doesn't come with us to any family or friend's events/celebrations, be they significant or insignificant occasions. Not weddings, not birthdays, not lunch/dinner. In fact DD and I do most things alone.

I am feeling increasingly separate from him and having been initially very very low about this, just feel angry and closed off now.

Would appreciate just some straight opinions on how you would interpret this?

misselizabethbennet Tue 28-Oct-08 19:38:43

What reasons does he give for not coming to things? Does he know it bothers you?

lulumama Tue 28-Oct-08 19:40:07

depends what he is doing when he is not with you

is he working?
visiting different family / friends?
at home drinking and playing on teh Xbox..

maybe he has a social phobia

whatever it is, you need to talk

BoysAreLikeZombies Tue 28-Oct-08 19:41:22

Do you live together?

Do you talk/laugh together?

Do you have any hobbies/interests apart from DD?

It sounds as if you are living parallel lives.

sad

LostProphet Tue 28-Oct-08 19:41:53

We are a bit like this.

I think DH has a mild agoraphobia problem (he turns down nights out with HIS mates too as it involves going out)

You need to know why really

LoveMyGirls Tue 28-Oct-08 19:42:03

I'd be hurt, annoyed and wondering why he didn't want to be with me and our dd when he has the chance.

Im guessing he works FT and time as a family is limited?

honestopinionsplease Tue 28-Oct-08 19:46:31

He works FT, not spending time with friends. Just seems to prefer not going to anything with us. It is very hrtful.

Yes, we live together, things up and down. They've been decet lately though.

Yes he knows it makes me feel quite isolated. I also fnd it a bit humiliating too if I'm honest.

LoveMyGirls Tue 28-Oct-08 19:48:57

So do you ask him why? What does he say?

lulumama Tue 28-Oct-08 19:51:18

if there is no reason to think there are mitigating factors such as anxiety, social phobia, then he is being a selfish twunt

if he knows that you feel isolated and humiliated and he persists in doing this then you might have some hard decisions to make

what does he do when you are out?

honestopinionsplease Tue 28-Oct-08 19:54:57

He's working, it's a week night, it's taking up his time off, he didn't have enough notice, he doesn't feel like it.......etc.

it might be some sort of anxiety. it's making me really fed up though. he's cutting himself out of my life.

honestopinionsplease Tue 28-Oct-08 19:56:07

Don't know what he's doing - nothing special I don't think, just staying at home.

LostProphet Tue 28-Oct-08 19:58:26

Ask if he has a problem going out

darkpunk Tue 28-Oct-08 19:58:34

i must admit, i prefer going to alot of family stuff on my own..dh just gets on my nerves..but if you want him to go and he wont...he's being selfish.

honestopinionsplease Tue 28-Oct-08 20:01:16

I don't think he wanted to be with us in the first place. That's the problem. Don't know what to do really.

tomal Tue 28-Oct-08 20:05:33

I go to most social occassions on my own or with the children. Dh does have social phobia though, which is very crippling. You need to find out if this is the cause and work out some strategies to deal with it. DH does attend significant occassions with lots of forward planning, so it is possible!

honestopinionsplease Tue 28-Oct-08 20:12:10

I just want to do things togethre, feel supported a bit by him. I feel very alone actually, more and more so. Nobody ever sees him really, it's at the point where people dont even invite him to things anymore -just me and dd.

honestopinionsplease Tue 28-Oct-08 20:13:55

Nobody even asks after him really any more. I'n so tired of making excuses for his absences -I can't do it authentically any more. I really just want to say 'he's not here because he doesn't consider himself to be associated with me, really'.

tomal Tue 28-Oct-08 20:16:28

What is your life like together normally? (When you don't have to go out?)

honestopinionsplease Tue 28-Oct-08 20:20:44

It's okay, he has had drug problems inthe past. He's not completely over them but has done amazingly well over the last few months.

tribpot Tue 28-Oct-08 20:35:47

But he's working in the day. Not at night. (Or is he?). I work during the day.There's no time off. Time at home is family time. When nothing else is arranged, I might take a little time for me, and I think it's reasonable he's due some downtime of a weekend but not every weekend all of the weekend. Equally dh doesn't always come with me to weekend events as he's chronically ill and that's okay, but to do no family events is just unreasonable.

tribpot Tue 28-Oct-08 20:38:35

Okay, now that's different. He's coming out of withdrawal, quite newly? Your expectations may be unreasonable for now.

honestopinionsplease Tue 28-Oct-08 20:55:02

Do you think so? I'm just so sick of it. sad

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