My best friend is a man. I'm happily married and have been with DH since university, have one child. Have been friends with BF also since university. DH knows BF, we used to hang out with a crowd at university which we were all part of. DH has no issues with BF, is not jealous, totally understands that the friendship is on the basis of intellectual kinship.
The whole sexual thing just never entered into things, BF had quite a few neuroses about women and relationships and lived in his ivory tower and had never had a girlfriend. What he had was me - all the girlfriendy bits but without the sex. Of course I loved it because we had a level of kinship and intimacy that you'd normally get with a female friend, but better somehow. I'd always been what you might call a tomboy (though I dislike that phrase) and this seemed a continuation of those childhood friendships.
BF met a woman earlier this year and the whole thing is now a complete disaster. I haven't even met the girlfriend despite them seeing each other every day and staying together every weekend. BF seems very stressed and trying placate both of us (though I'm actually not pressuring him - he is just reacting as if I am). I've suggested a casual family dinner to emphasise the non-threatening nature of the friendship, but it never happens. She is very paranoid and controlling (look I know you'll think I'm being horrible about her, but honestly, I don't think it is me, I wish him every happiness and was always encouraging him to be more confident with women etc etc). She is from a very different culture than him and there are issues about this too. What she says is always supposed to be right and anything from his culture is no good. She wants to marry him, he has told her he doesn't want to get married, and seems to have been bourne along into the relationship by a desire not to make a fuss, and probably because he was previously lonely and it's probably nice to be with someone, even if it's not perfect. Which of course is perfectly reasonable.
The thing is, the whole thing has become so embroiled and weird, and sometimes I can feel my reaction and I think to myself, you have no right to feel like that, he is not your brother or anything. I feel like I've given a lot to him emotionally and been there through some bad times with him and now he is just dropping me.
I feel very sad because apart from DH, BF is probably one of the only people I who just "gets" me. Not a lot of people do, I'm a complicated gal really. I suppose I feel a bit abandoned and resentful, since I've managed to keep on being friends with him despite being married, having a child, demanding job etc. But now, the first time he gets a girlfriend, it is like our friendship is in a vacuum. It's not dead but its just not there anymore.
There must have been some dynamic I wasn't acknowledging I think, such as maybe BF was "having a relationship" with me, albeit a sexless one, all the time that I was "having a friendship" with him.
So, was I deluded in thinking we could be friends forever and is it true what people say that men and women can never really be best friends because that is not our template?
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Can men and women ever be proper platonic friends? V. Long, sorry.
17 replies
Otterchocdog · 28/10/2008 14:56
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