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Any mothers who have left their children on a marriage breakup???

(45 Posts)
sparkybabe Tue 28-Oct-08 14:02:25

My mariage is getting worse and worse, we were hoping to stay 'together' for the dc, as a partnership rather than as a couple. I wanted to move into a spare room - I thought it would be ideal. He could still see the dc every night, get his dinner cooked, shirts ironed, shopping done, and after all the house and garden is half his so why shouldn't he enjoy it too? Anyway, he decided that if we were to do that, we might as well tell the dc I didn't see why either.
Sooooooo, he thought we could stay together, same bedroom, same bed, (no sex - havent' for ages) and put on a Front for the dc but after 2 weeks of this he shouted at me yesterday that I have been 'cold' to him, not been even 'friendly', he can't deal with that. (this is HIS idea remember). I get it that he still has feelings for me, it's all my fault that I want to split (there is no-one else on either side) and he is NOW saying that he should move out into rented accom. and have a complete split.

My question is, are there mums out there who've moved out and left the dc with dad? I havent 'done' anything, so no affair, no violence, no health probs. (neither has he) But I feel guilty enough without him being ousted from the family home (I moved into his house with a kitbag of clothes, 20 years ago and have been a SAHM for 17) so I wondered if I should be the one to go? I have said I would be happy ot get back every morning at 7AM so that he can go to work, I'd see the dc to school and during the early evening and cook for them, then leave again at 7PM when he gets back from work. He'd see the dc, and live comfortably, I'd have my own flat, and I'd still see the dc.

Or am I kidding myself? I'd die if I couldn't see the kids, and would I feel that I'd abandoned them?

Guilt guilt guilt.

scaryfucker Tue 28-Oct-08 14:08:41

ffs, do not move out of the family home

get over whatever misplaced guilt you have

if he turns nasty further down the line re custody/access it will not look good if you have removed yourself from the children, sorry to say, especially if there has been no violence etc

btw, I have absolutely no experience of this so could be talkin bollox, but this seems like it could be a huge mistake

lisalisa Tue 28-Oct-08 14:12:01

Yes yes echo what scaryfucker said - great name btw!!

on no account do you move out. If he does get difficult re access/custody court will look to maintian status quo and if you have lived out for x number of years and dh ( by then exdh) contests how often you come round etc court can agree to maintain you living out and give you access say 3 -4 times per week instead of every morning and evening. this is partiuclarly likely if exdh meets new g/f who he wants to live in.

SharkyandGeorge Tue 28-Oct-08 14:12:18

But how would you pay for a flat if you are still spending 12 hours a day in your old house? Would he cover the full cost..for how long?

What if either one of you got a new partner, you would turn up at 7am to sort out kids when he could be living there with another woman?

I just don't see how it can work in the long run.

ohIdoliketobebesidethe Tue 28-Oct-08 14:12:58

He is initiating all this. Do not feel guilty if he leaves the home - it's his choice I also agree with scaryfucker that custody could be a problem if you leave.

muffinmonster Tue 28-Oct-08 14:13:28

I'm not sure why, if your DH is prepared to move out, you are considering leaving. You say you haven't done anything wrong, so why should you feel you have to go? You seem to suggest that just because you moved into his place 20 years ago, you should be the one to move out, but given that you've had his children and run the house for all that time, I think you've earned your place. It sounds as if you're being very hard on yourself here. Why would you feel you have to go on cooking his dinner, ironing his shirts, doing his shopping etc? Does he do lots for you? Can you explain more about why your marriage is getting worse and worse?

fluffyfish Tue 28-Oct-08 14:17:42

be honest with yourself. Maybe you want to leave - in which case accept you are leaving your children rather than pretend you are doing it to be nice to dh.

If you don't want to leave your children then do not move out of the home - it could have serious consequences for you getting custody of them. What's more, children left by their mothers end up seriously messed up in the head.

luckylady74 Tue 28-Oct-08 14:17:45

My parents split up when I was young and initially they rented a bedsit and took weekly turns in that and the home, but they were remarkably civilised, both had full time jobs and eventually got back together.
You need to deal with your guilt and think about what is best for all of you, but mainly you and your children - your dh is after all an adult responsible for his own well being.
I think ewhat you're proposing sounds like madness tbh - no offense meant.

LJWinN10 Tue 28-Oct-08 14:25:26

Not 100% sure but am divorced so some experience. I believe that if a woman leaves it will be difficult to claim custody whereas a man who leaves won't be penalized for leaving.

If it comes to legal proceedings, they don't like to change the children's habits, so if you've been out of the house, they will take that into consideration.

And just because it was his house originally and you're a SAHM don't belittle yourself. It's a partnership after all. Value is not all monetary. Think about 20 years of cleaning, shopping, cooking, childcare etc.

In my divorce, neither myself nor my ex would leave, so we both stayed in the house until it was sold. That took 18 months. And it was HELL. So so so often I wanted to do exactly what you are thinking, but now I'm glad I didn't.

If your marriage is going to break down, what-is-best-for-the-children needs to be your mantra. So, will it be best for them if you leave?

sparkybabe Tue 28-Oct-08 14:42:28

Thanks all - I hadn't really thought it all through, obviously. I don't expect either of us to get new partners but I suppose I should think of that.
The guilt is the worst thing, because it was his house when I moved in and he has done everyhting he can think of to make me happy. I havent worked for 17 years, but I still have money of my own, clothes, etc. I just feel that it's me who wants this split, the dc don't and he doesn't, it's just me. I want more fun, more life, more excitement, more sex and I don't want any of that with him. I'm bored and my life is drifting away. I suppose it was the guilt of all that that makes me feel that I should be the one to go. But like I said, not seeing the dc would kill me.
My youngest is only 9, so dh is saying we should stay together for the next 7 years for him. But DH cannot stay with me like this, he still has feelings for me and wants us to be like it was before. That's why I feel I have to be a bitch to him, so that he doesn't love me anymore. i could live with him as flatmates, but not as a couple.

I'm so confused, I don;t know what to do.

sleepyeyes Tue 28-Oct-08 14:46:51

Essentially you are saying that because you feel guilty you should abandon your children. Even thought he has already said he would move out. hmm

Sounds like there is more to it than just that?

Your children will eventually notice, and will feel abandoned. That abandonment feeling wont ever leave them. Its permanent.

Plus if the split turns bitter you could very likely end up with minimum access to your children: every other weekend or each weekend.

Lets not forget the social stigma that you will be subjected to.

ohIdoliketobebesidethe Tue 28-Oct-08 14:54:36

How would moving out would enable you to have more fun / more excitement / more life? Is it by being able to do adult stuff / maybe study / maybe work / go out in the evenings? If so all those could be done with you still in the family home and in your marriage - with a bit of support from dh with babysitting.

Have no answers about no sex though...

sleepyeyes Tue 28-Oct-08 15:00:28

Just read your last post it sound like your wanting to leave has nothing to do with whats best for your kids but everything to do with wanting a more fun exciting life, sex and other relationships with men.
And lets be honest being a single mum will get get in the way of that.

So you want to have your cake and eat it: You want your evening/social life in your own flat therefore gaining that fun exciting life with lots of sex and then during the day you will slip back home and be mum.
Then once they are down for the night you slip back out.

I give it 48 before the kids realise what's going on. Then it will be them who will not want to see you.

MorrisZapp Tue 28-Oct-08 15:07:39

Bit harsh sleepyeyes?

It's hardly having your cake and eating it to want to enjoy life as well as enjoy motherhood. And the OP doesn't want to move out, she thought she maybe should as it was his house and he doesn't want to split up.

sleepyeyes Tue 28-Oct-08 15:14:57

Yes I was harsh but its nothing compared to what family and friends will say to her if she goes through with it.

Upwind Tue 28-Oct-08 15:26:06

"I'm so confused, I don;t know what to do. "

Extract your head from your backside and then turn your attention away from your own navel. Put your destructive energy and frustration to better use - start volunteering, get a job, get involved in a hobby, study, even help out struggling single parents! Whatever.

HeyJude07 Tue 28-Oct-08 15:29:25

My mother left my father and I when I was 16.

Although she came back every day to visit at first the sense of hurt and abandonement was still profound and extends to today.

I now have a very close friendship with my father, and only want to exchange civilities with my mother.

Sorry that you feel trapped, but your dcs are probably going to suffer a lot more than you realise.

noonki Tue 28-Oct-08 15:37:57

You sound stuck in a rut - life will not magically get better if you move out -

You have to think what you want to do,

what is it that you are missing out on?

If it's going out - why will that change,s urely you can go out now,

go get a job / a course / new friends /meet up with old friends/

and get some counselling with your partner. Try and do some things together something totally new you might enjoy it.

then if none of these things work, think if it will be better living on your own. what will the benefits be?

HappyWoman Tue 28-Oct-08 15:52:55

Agree with what everyone has said, do not leave - by having children you have committed to a lifetime of caring for them (whether you like it or not), sorry but that fun carefree life is gone. You can still have fun and be a mum.

I agree that any child that is left by its mother will suffer to some extent in the future. and as for a 'nice' divorce - does that ever really happen however much you and your dp want it to?

BitOfFun Tue 28-Oct-08 16:02:12

I was in a simiar situaion when I eventually brke up with my ex - like you, felt guilty, and he was VERY stubborn and giving it all the "why should I move out?" stuff. The night we avctually agreed to seperate, I remember a hideous conversation where I had agreed to a flat around the corner (with my minimum wage part time job), and handing all the child and disability benefits to HIM, showing up at breakfast to look after them til bedtime etc. It was a mark of how desperate I was to leave and be away from him and his bullying.

Fortunately a good friend made me realise that this arrangement would be nothing short of insane, and although I had a terrible six months of keeping out of each other's way til he bought a new house (I had to go halves with my mum on a mortgage to buy him out), it was definitely for the best.

Of course he was a bit bitter (twas his nature at the best of times), but once we were living apart, HE GOT OVER IT. Three years on we are quite civil, took a while, but got there in the end. I'm sure you can too - he s a grown-up an even thougfh he is hurting, he will be alright in the end. A clean break will be best for you both to heal, not you sneaking back into "his" house like The Help.

Good luck, and FGS, get some proper advice from a solicitor!

quinne Tue 28-Oct-08 16:03:03

please do not shoot me, because I am only trying to understand but I don't get this... isn't the father extremely important too in a child's life?
As a mother i am not sure i could bear the pain it would cause everyone if I left my children but i think it would hurt everyone equally if my husband left. Are other families different?

HappyWoman Tue 28-Oct-08 16:37:01

of course fathers are important - but i do believe too that mothers have more of a right than fathers for the simple fact that they have nutured for longer.
Many have breast fed and no matter how strong a mans love is it just is not the same - may not be fair but that is the way nature is and intended it to be.
I would never give up any of my rights to be with my children and would be bitter for a long time if a court decided that - of course i hope it would never get that far but you never can tell.

For that reason i would never leave my children or give anyone any reason to use against me. Not knowingly anywaysmile

sparkybabe Tue 28-Oct-08 16:38:25

Sleepyeyes - I don't want to leave. I also don't think he should leave (it's his house - well mostly) so what can we do? I feel guilty enough now, because of me wanting the split when no-one else does. How much more guilty would I feel if he loses everything? DC, house, garden, me the lot? When it's all my fault? Quinne you are right - why is it so much better is he goes?

Thats why I thought we could be partners in this relationship. Own rooms, so that I could go out if I want - I do go out once a week with girlfriends, but feel I have to explain myself when I get in even when I've done nothing. I thought the dc would be able to handle this, much better than if he moves out and sees them at weekends!

Sleepeyes - I don't think being in my own flat would be more fun and exciting. I just don't want to be married anymore.

Upwind - thanks for your input. Not particularly helpful tho. I know i'm being selfish, but after 17 years of putting myself last, I'm not able to go 'volunteering' and I already have loads of hobbies. I am trying to get a job tho. Anything to get out and meet new people.

IllegallyBrunette Tue 28-Oct-08 16:40:06

I wanted my mum to leave as I had decided I wanted to live with my dad, but even then, when she actually did, I was so shocked that she'd given up on us.

filz Tue 28-Oct-08 16:41:59

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