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How do we get back to 'normal' communication after this row?

(21 Posts)
doggiesayswoof Tue 28-Oct-08 09:16:11

Horrible row with dh last night which was not resolved properly. Usually when we argue we make up the same night - I'm not sure what to do tbh

We have 5mo ds and 4 year old dd and things are difficult just now. However this is the first time he has got personal with me and it's left me at a loss.

Nothing dreadful was said and there was no violence or anything - but he shouted (pretty intimidating), mimicked my voice (whining of course!) said he should just leave tomorrow, accused me of casting things up to him etc

I WAS unreasonable with him, and I did shout and burst into tears etc, but I have a strict rule that I will not get personal with him and I didn't. I think it shows a total lack of respect - even if only temporary.

Please help me get some perspective on this. How do you get back from the really unpleasant rows?

doggiesayswoof Tue 28-Oct-08 09:22:28

Go on, there must be somebody out there who is great at conflict resolution or whatever with dh/dp

I want to talk to him tonight and not have the same thing happen again

HappyWoman Tue 28-Oct-08 09:26:07

Just because you would not get personal does not mean that just because he did he has disrepected you iyswim.

My tip would be to say 'sorry we had the row' this does not mean you are taking the blame for the argument just that you are sorry it went so far.

Also remembet that in the heat of the moment all sorts of things can get said and you can take things the wrong way too.

I suspect you are both tired with a 5 month old - try and give yourselves a break together - either with babysitter or just make a bit of time for each other (forget the usual household chores - they will still be there in the morning).

To break the ice say something nice to him when he gets in and try not to bring it up again.

doggiesayswoof Tue 28-Oct-08 09:28:13

But that's the thing - I don't want to bring it up, but otoh there are loads of things unresolved.

Is it really ok to leave it - will it not just fester?

HappyWoman Tue 28-Oct-08 09:35:22

i think it depends on what it is. Does he feel the say way?

Also depends how far you are prepared to take it - you need to know just how far you are both prepared to bend to please the other.

If it really is a big issue and you know your line has been crossed then you need to somehow find a way to say that and mean it.

If it is just one of those things that because you are tired has had more of an impact on your emotions it may be ok to leave it.

FloriaTosca Tue 28-Oct-08 09:37:47

Personally, we dont leave things to fester but give ourselves time to cool down and then do the "I understand that you are tired/stressed/whatever..but..." thing and I must admit I have found (read too many psychology bookshmm) that I do the "I felt disrespected/hurt/etc.." thing rather than the "you were rude/hurtful" thing.

...got to go baby crying ..sorry

HappyWoman Tue 28-Oct-08 09:49:57

we dont let things fester either now - but i have also learned that my dh can say some hurtful things when he is cross and so i just ignore him - and he comes and appologises to me.

I have leant to only the fight the battle i really want to win too.

When we are all heated and also under added family stress we can act differently. I know deep down sometimes he does not mean what he says.

anniemac Tue 28-Oct-08 10:29:21

Message withdrawn

doggiesayswoof Tue 28-Oct-08 10:40:31

Yep he was lashing out because he felt I was having a go at him. I wasn't, but i certainly wasn't expressing myself very well either.

I try to do the "I feel like this when you say that" too. doesn't always work, particularly when he clams up and doesn't give me any clues how he feels about the situation

The underlying issues that caused the row are still there but I think the argument itself can be left alone.

He has rearranged his hours this week and is coming home now smile

I just wish we could talk about stressful stuff without it descending into verbal hair pulling.

I am sure we used to be able to.

Need to get back to ds. thanks for posts

anniemac Tue 28-Oct-08 10:52:35

Message withdrawn

HappyWoman Tue 28-Oct-08 10:53:43

how about writing down some of your feelings - even if you do not show him it sometimes help to see and explain a bit more what you mean to say. It can also help you to see where you are being unreasonalbe too.

Make sure you thank him for re-arranging his time at work - that surely means he is thinking of you.

georgiemum Tue 28-Oct-08 10:54:34

Don't let it fester or it will just get worse. 'Words are like rags, they lie where you throw them' or something like that!

Wait until you are both calm and have some time (ie kids at grandmas) and just try to talk to resolve the issues. In the meantime, let him know that you are sorry that you both rowed and that you really want to talk to him about it. And that you love him (they forget that sometimes).

Good luck!

HappyWoman Tue 28-Oct-08 10:55:25

also remember that it is ok to have a different point of view on some things - you can agree to disagree sometimes grin.

Good luck

doggiesayswoof Tue 28-Oct-08 10:58:59

Thanks all. Problem is I get so tense and forget that having a row is not the end of the world - need to relax a little about it ...

I am a bit of a control freak and struggle to accept that he might deal with things differently/ have a different pov and that's ok grin

Writing things down is a good tip. I typed him a long email this morning then realised I had no need to send it. Just writing it helped a lot.

doggiesayswoof Tue 28-Oct-08 11:02:00

Thinking about your post anniemac, I am an arguer and he is not. So when he loses it, he really loses it and always says worse things. For me blowing my stack in a minor way is normal. Usually he does not respond - when he does it's a big shock.

smellybunion Tue 28-Oct-08 11:10:37

awww. i hate a row....

can you think of the things you argued about..are they important in the grand scheme of things...(trivial annoyance which irritated you or something more serious which needs talking through)

how about coming up with solutions to your argument.....you know, real workable things and then try and resolve it together..

tell him you're really glad he could come home, you hate rowing with him..you felt really upset, and you've been thinking of ways to stop the row again...

sometimes, you need to let it drop, but sometimes, things eat away at you and cause long term resentment if left unsaid....

hope you're ok.

anniemac Tue 28-Oct-08 11:12:27

Message withdrawn

doggiesayswoof Tue 28-Oct-08 11:13:06

smellybunion thanks. I am better now - felt like shit when I got up.

Sadly the issues are big ones. It will come up again but hopefully not in such a negative way.

I'm going to say what you suggest when he gets back.

doggiesayswoof Tue 28-Oct-08 11:14:56

anniemac that is a good point. He used to be pretty chilled, now it's like we are both on edge a lot. And it does start with me - we're both stressed but I realise the trigger is me sad

smellybunion Tue 28-Oct-08 11:44:45

doggie...
don't be too hard on yourself. being a mum is hard work, especially when you're tired (which you are bound to be having a young baby and a 4yo...)

try and look at your issues and see what really is the most important thing....

adress just that one thing first and see where it gets you...

i used to be awful if my dh did things differently with the kids....really uptight and critical...i've learned to let go now....when he's in charge of them, he does things his way....they are very different to my way, but they are not wrong.... he is their dad and adores them as much as i do...we both want the veruy best for our children...how we go about doing that sometimes causes rows! i think if you can see where you are trying to head with something, it makes it easier to acheive your gtoal...

does that make sense? i'm waffling now! blush

anniemac Tue 28-Oct-08 12:18:52

Message withdrawn

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