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I finished with him but I've got a guilt trip coming on now... need some support that I was right to do so.

(13 Posts)
Kally Mon 27-Oct-08 16:27:48

I finally finished with my darling BF over the weekend. We both get on really well and adore each other, really.
There's been a dodgy undertone though, mainly because I have never been to his end, ever, he only ever came to me. We discussed this and he came clean and said it was because it was the marital home and his ex's family are very much in his life supporting him with his child (picking up from school, coming round to keep an eye on him when he's working a late shift etc) they may even housekeep for him etc, seems they are very involved in his life. OK, I said, fair enough. Was understanding and considerate but stressed that a time should come when he should make steps to introduce me, or at least let me come there when it is convenient (like, make it convenient). It's very hard to have a proper 3 dimensional relationship otherwise, no?

We've been seeing one another for about 20 months now... long enough. Nothing wrong at all between us as two people, apart from the fact that he umm's and ahhh's when I sugest coming to his, I see it stresses him, and stop pushing, and again he comes to me. We live a couple hours train ride apart. He's not married, for sure, as he comes here with his lad of 6 years old.

This weekend my DD was away and I said it would be a good thing to get together and have some alone time, suggested that if it was hard for him, work, finding babysitter for his DS etc, I could go there. Just me...

Ummed and ahhhed... I dropped back and said OK... (as usual) you come to me...

It suddenly hit me that if he's making me sit on the sidelines, I am not a priority. He had plenty of time to sort out for me to go there... If we ever got together (which we had planned eventually would be) he'd do this in other things that life pushes our way no? I'd always go back burner...

So with a sad heart, I called and drew the line. He got all pouty and 'we've had this conversation so many time'. Thing is it stays with the same parameters.

What could I do?sad

Strangely enough I was waiting for the big 'pain' thing. It hasn't happened yet... too early maybe? That feeling of sadness that I have ended something when really between us it was so good. Just that extra dimension missing that is all important for a proper healthy relationship. Now the thoughts of, 'have I done the right thing?'... I have haven't I?. It's a lop sided relationship and I should realise it's a no-goer if it stays like that.

Nobody in their right mind would have a relationship of this sort and think it ok surely?hmm Not after such a long time... I am not being unreasonable am I? Haven't I been very patient and reasonable to have let it go on like this - this long?

BitOfFun Mon 27-Oct-08 16:32:51

I think you have done the right thing from what you've described. It can't be nice feeling like someone's dirty little secret, and he has had plenty of time to put that right. I think you deserve more respect.

SmugColditz Mon 27-Oct-08 16:34:51

YANBU. You hve done well to cut your losses.

Kally Mon 27-Oct-08 16:38:07

He doesn't have family here, only the ex's lot and sounds like he's very obligated to them, but how far do you go with that? I tried imagining being his shoes, felt guilty about wanting to jeopordise his support network, but in all honesty, if I was that important to him, it would already have been a solved issue ages ago no? My bunch have met him, know of him, include him.... its totally unfair to expect this of me isn't it? Yes, thanks, it's disrespectful...

BitOfFun Mon 27-Oct-08 16:44:11

I don't see how being upfront about his involvement with you would impinge on his relationship with ex's family. They will want to remain close to see their gc, but I'm sure they don't expect him to live like a monk just because he split with their daughter , and it was some time ago from the sound of it. Tbh, he sounds like a real wimp, and you have been more than patient.

Kally Mon 27-Oct-08 16:45:57

He keeps calling me but I have not answered and have switched my phone off. He always assumes I think he's got a partner, but that is not so. (men go staight to the worst scenario doubts)... I know he hasn't. He wouldn't bring his little boy over to us etc...
Thing is, I will hear his voice, he'll go on about it, I will get weak and we'll be back to square one. But I can't do this anymore. I know exactly what he'll say ' look, you know I have never said *don't come*, you will come here I promise'... and he'll say how far we've come along, and how he loves me... oh angry...

I'm going to my sisters to get away from it all ...schools off and a good 4 days away and some sisterly love with DD, nice and far away up in the midlands...

quinne Mon 27-Oct-08 16:47:01

surely if they are heavily involved in his life and he goes away fro weekends to be with you then his Ex's family must know about you by now, especially as his 6 year old has met you (and there is no way of guaranteeing a six year old's silence!)

So if they know about you, then the hard part is done and what is the problem with meeting you? There must be something you do not know.
In any case you have made it clear to him over time that it is important to him and he's done nothing to resolve it, so yes you did the right thing.

funkypumpkin Mon 27-Oct-08 16:47:43

You have done the right thing and I agree with BitOfFun that it is disrespectful.

Kally Mon 27-Oct-08 16:51:07

I think its wimpish too. either that or he wants his cake and eat it too. Comes to me, gets lavished with love and affection like some sweet desert island retreat...

It's not his parents in law, but EW's sister.. and her teenager children that do all the running around.

His is a different culture, I don't really know HOW different, but I think they are much more family orientated and churchy togethery etc... (which I find lovely)... but for some reason....more traditional etc. In which case I say to myself, if that is his 'way of life' doing this to me is a bit of a double standard isn't it?

Kally Mon 27-Oct-08 16:56:18

Yes, his Mum and sister were over from the States... for a visit... and he said he spoke of me and his Mum was happy he'd found someone he was inlove with... (If that was me, I'd want him to come and meet them before they went back) Didn't happen.

Perhaps I was just a retreat thing,hmm but all this time and with such sincere intensity about us ....

Yes, I have done the right thing.

Its awful to be such a believing, silly arsed gullible cow.

BitOfFun Mon 27-Oct-08 17:07:07

Well I don't see why you need to be so angry at yourself- you are only guilty of having noam and reasonable expectations....I think that getting a break and being kind to yourself should be the priority now- and good for you for keeping your phone off, delete delete delete!

BitOfFun Mon 27-Oct-08 17:08:30

normal, not noam

Kally Mon 27-Oct-08 19:11:44

If he comes out and says now 'well come on over then!'... I know what it'll be like as well... it'll be destroyed won't it? The (normality of a visit) It'll be like 'here you are, seen it all? taken it all in?' He's kind of ruined things eternally hasn't he... I would feel even 'invasive' going there. Shit, just heard an old Al Green track on the radio and it reminds me of him... Oh don't...Sinking here even tho he is such an arse.sad

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