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quick thread - is this woman a toxic parent?

(94 Posts)
SpandexIsMyEnemy Mon 27-Oct-08 07:54:48

basically in a nut shell, it's DP's mum - i've not mentioned anything to him at all, but i'm getting increasingly annoyed with her/their treatment of him. recent examples include.

(dp has been out of work for the last 3 weeks btw was made redundant - but he;s looking into PT work as he wants to go to uni to finish his engineering studys) I know he's 28 & lives at home - but hes' trying. anyhow. recent things include:-

last night he's told (after not eating anything ALL day,) not to help himself to the fridge any more as it 'messed up her dinner plans' - he had two sausage rolls about half 8 as they were out in the pub getting drunk (their choice).

She knows the EXACT number of things in the cupboard so he can't even have beans on toast. This is a 28 year old man here so not a child. he usually will go all day with nothing and then eat at half 10 or later when they get back from the pub drunk. if he does help himself he gets such abuse he doesn't bother.

yet his brother can do as he wishes (has move back with his gf in the last week)

his brother carrys on the all manner of abuse with the food etc and eating what he likes from the cupboards. again He/GF can DP can't - (and hasn't all the time i've known him - of which he;s been working/paying rent)

he's not allowed to use the washing machine at all due to the 'electric' so if indeed he does have something that needs doing he does it by hand, she will wash his stuff if there's enough room at the end of the week.

as I say he wants to go back to uni to get a good sound engineering job in the boat yards, we've looked at all angles - ie if he couldn't get a job what could he do with the degree, followed by how he'll fund it etc etc, all is settled, from his folks he gets 'what do you want to do that for' followed by 'well I don't know how you're going to do that' and 'you won't do that' - can they not say OK son, how can we help you get there - ie you can study in the evenings etc when were out, or you can keep the rent money as you'll be working PT?? His dad said to him well you'll have to go on the bins then (as in be a bin man) it's good money - well yes it maybe good money but it's not what he wants to do - so should he take a job with no prospects to keep them happy? (not that there's anything wrong with bin men btw) but he has openly said to me he wants to do this to have good prospects.

oh and also last night he came home to find the telly/radio on, when his parents came back drunk, she had a major rant at him & how he was wasting electric, so when he said well actually you left it all on she said 'oh whatever'

so is she/they toxic, or controlling, I can't quite make it out tbh.

TrinityRhino Mon 27-Oct-08 07:59:43

she sounds like a bitch

can't he move in with you

LostProphet Mon 27-Oct-08 08:01:05

he is 28 and living at home with his mum doing his washing and cooking his meal/buying his food.

they are probably trying to get him to move out on his own tbh

lilysmummy2007 Mon 27-Oct-08 08:01:14

she is indeed toxic if not evil, they probably dont even like him as i cant see why a parent would withold food from their child, no matter how old and the fact that they dont support his ambition to study is alarming as this woukd enable him to move up in lafe anf hey should be glad seeing as once he sorts himself he ban get out of their hair. sad for your dp

NotDoingTheHousework Mon 27-Oct-08 08:01:59

Message withdrawn

NotDoingTheHousework Mon 27-Oct-08 08:03:46

Message withdrawn

SpandexIsMyEnemy Mon 27-Oct-08 08:05:51

ndth - yes that's what i've said buy your own food and put it in the fridge etc. (i'll be sending him back later on with a load of tins soups n beans n such like) - I don't have much but what we do have i'll happily share.

tbh I don't think they have a prob per se with him living there. unfortunatly he's not had the oppertuinty to move out previously.

With me having a LO i'm not happy for him to move in here yet - but i've said he's always welcome to come down for food etc etc.

I also can't understand why any mother would with hold food from her children - age irrelevant - my mum infact even my nan is still buying top ups for us - it's as in within the family - come in help yourself to the cupboards etc. if there's buy on get one free we do those and share them as well.

maybe my family's jsut odd for being so supportive?

chocolateteapot Mon 27-Oct-08 08:07:47

I'm not sure I'd be terribly happy having my children living here at 28 to be honest and I would most definitely expect rent and bill money to be paid. I put myself through university when I was 23 with pretty much no help from my parents. I do accept that with fees etc it is harder now, but I would be pretty miffed if I was expected to still be supporting the DCs at 28.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Mon 27-Oct-08 08:08:35

not really no, he did drop out of his last clooege course - mechanics as he didn't like doing it - but this was some 10 years ago, and he's been working since - (has always been in work, might not be the same job all the time but has never not been in work)

thing is thou there's 3 of them incl DP.

2 sausage rolls was all that was in the fridge. so if there's 3 of them then how would that make 3 meals - I could understand if he took the last bread of the last potato or soemthing - but sausage rolls?

as I say might just be me, as i'd say oh well can't have that lets have X instead??

SpandexIsMyEnemy Mon 27-Oct-08 08:08:37

not really no, he did drop out of his last clooege course - mechanics as he didn't like doing it - but this was some 10 years ago, and he's been working since - (has always been in work, might not be the same job all the time but has never not been in work)

thing is thou there's 3 of them incl DP.

2 sausage rolls was all that was in the fridge. so if there's 3 of them then how would that make 3 meals - I could understand if he took the last bread of the last potato or soemthing - but sausage rolls?

as I say might just be me, as i'd say oh well can't have that lets have X instead??

LostProphet Mon 27-Oct-08 08:08:47

Oh I thought I was just a hard cow CT

SpandexIsMyEnemy Mon 27-Oct-08 08:09:49

*college even

chocolate - he's been apying rent/bills etc, up to 3 weeks ago - this has been going on all the time i've known him at least (5 months)

chocolateteapot Mon 27-Oct-08 08:10:10

I shall refrain from posting the next bit I was about to then

LostProphet Mon 27-Oct-08 08:11:35

But he has still obv not been buying his own food/doing his washing etc!

If my 28 y/o was wanting to live at home, he would be living there as a lodger, not a son iyswim.

chocolateteapot Mon 27-Oct-08 08:11:35

I just don't get how he hasn't had a chance to move out in the 10 years since he was 18, but I do accept I am a hard cow and am beginning to pity my children !

LostProphet Mon 27-Oct-08 08:12:23

<whispers to CT - you are lovely and much nicer to your children than me >

theSuburbanDryad Mon 27-Oct-08 08:12:49

They all sound weird tbh.

Has it always been like this - the witholding of food, the rows over the washing etc? Or has it only started recently?

FWIW - i sometimes think the older generation can be a bit funny over job prospects. My mother, for example (bless her!), said to me, "Why doesn't dh become a long distance lorry driver?" Um...because he currently works in corporate PR? hmmgrin I wonder if it's because they weren't so ambitious - they just took a job with security (which a job with the council would have) and enough money to support yourself/your family.

Anyway, slight deviation there, sorry. He obviously needs to move out - can he get some student accommodation once he's at uni? Most places have mature student houses, so he wouldn't be in halls with a load of 18 year olds!

SpandexIsMyEnemy Mon 27-Oct-08 08:13:38

money CT - he's not had the means to be able to do it.

see thing is thou he'd happily do it (he either washes his clothes by hand - as I said) or he'll wait until they go out and then do it if he has enough.

He's said about cooking his own food but she won't have it - SHE wants to cook 1 meal at one time.

SmugColditz Mon 27-Oct-08 08:13:50

1 he's 28, he needs to move out. It's not up to them you yay say or nay say his life choices, and why he is listening is beyond me. He needs to grow up whether they want him to or not.

theSuburbanDryad Mon 27-Oct-08 08:15:10

Well - I'm not denying she sounds utterly bonkers!

Which is why he needs to move out and get some distance from them/her.

LostProphet Mon 27-Oct-08 08:15:13

What colditz said!

SpandexIsMyEnemy Mon 27-Oct-08 08:15:26

tbh we were looking/thinking of moving in together next year - but there is obv some provisos - ie working! lol.

oh and fwiw my brother was at home until 27 - I wasn't as I was married by 21, but anyhow he didn't have the money & was at college as well so lived at home with our parents until 27 nigh on 28.

NotDoingTheHousework Mon 27-Oct-08 08:16:56

Message withdrawn

SpandexIsMyEnemy Mon 27-Oct-08 08:17:10

I know he needs to stop listening - but to be fair here it's his parents.

the poor bloke was so amazed when my dad sat down with him and said 'oh I hear you want to do XYZ' - have you tried XYZ (names of boat companys dad knows of having worked in the trade years ago) they take people on - might be worth trying to get some exp on the job first.

zookeeper Mon 27-Oct-08 08:18:11

I don't think she sounds toxic at all - just exasperated with a 28 year old who can't stand on his own two feet

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