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Advice wanted please!

(5 Posts)
Bumbleford Mon 27-Oct-08 06:16:48

Hello all,

I have an issue and I'm looking for some perspective from people who know neither myself nor those involved. I am a regular here - just changed my name so DH won't stumble across this!

I have been with DH for 7 years in total. We met through an online dating site and, just before he met me, he met another woman through the same site - we shall call her X. They met in person but nothing physical happened between them (which was more her doing than his - she wasn't interested). Anyway, they became friends and when he started his own business, she ended up working for him.

Basically, I have issues over DH's relationship with this woman. For the first few years we were together, we had several problems where she was concerned. DH used to think she was a wonderful person and basically didn't think she could do any wrong, regardless of the fact that she was very manipulative and a bit horrid. When I raised concerns over this, he told me that "She understands me better than you." I was devastated when he told me this.

There have been other little issues that have then compounded the situation in my mind. An example of this was one evening when we went out with DH's work team. Everyone went off walking from their office down the road and DH basically strolled off down the road with X, leaving me behind. I was left at the back of the group, walking the whole way on my own and DH didn't even notice until we got to our destination. It made me feel very belittled indeed. X has also made some not very nice comments to DH about me and DH doesn't ever defend me to her as he's worried about causing problems at work.

We have had other problems in our relationship. DH was unfaithful once and we had issues surrounding his ex GF at the start of our relationship. I think that all of these issues have left me feeling insecure and have affected my self-esteem a bit.

The problem that I have now is this: I absolutely cannot stand DH's relationship with X and I am finding myself obsessing over it. They work together and will do so until such time as DH's business folds, which won't be for years. They have to travel together sometimes. Now, the other member of their team is leaving the country and so they will work together even more. If I continue to obsess over this, I will obviously go insane.

In order to try and appease me, DH has stopped all dealings with X outside of work and does not see her socially anymore. I, however, still find myself flying into rages whenever he does have any contact with her, even if only for work. This is causing a lot of strain on my marriage at the moment, not helped by recent arrival of our first child.

I feel as though all of my issues surrounding my marriage, lack of esteem, etc, have become focused on X - if she would only go away, I would be ok, etc, and I can't seem to get past that. I think I'm also suffering with guilt from feeling as though I should be able to get past all this rubbish but find myself unable to. I am very worried that this is the kind of thing that will eventually gnaw away at my marriage and destroy it.

DH is a wonderful husband and father in every other way and he does realise now how much he did hurt me over the last few years. I don't want to ruin my marriage so, I suppose my question is - how do I forgive and let go?

oiwhatsoccurring Mon 27-Oct-08 06:25:12

So sorry your going through this. The one good thing is DH is trying i.e not dealing with her outside of work. I think it would be quite hard to forgive right now as it looks like he has only recently started to consider your feelings. Only time will tell if he has truely changed and I hope he dose for you and little one.

solidgoldskullonastick Mon 27-Oct-08 06:31:53

WHat you have to bear in mind is that she is not interested in having a romantic/sexual relationship with your husband. Part of the difficulty between you and her may be that she is annoyed/insulted by your assumption that she wants to have sex with your husband; she may feel this is slighting her professionalism (though a nicer woman would probably have been kinder about it and tried to be friends with you rather than despising you and showing it).

Do you think counselling might help? SOmetimes talking about things that are bothering you with a neutral third party helps get some perspective on the situation.

crankycrane Mon 27-Oct-08 06:38:01

hugs to you

Have you been to see your GP, may it be possible you have PND and you are focusing on X

Have you confronted X about the comments she has made about you?

If you want this marriage to work you must let go and forgive him otherwise it will get so much worse but you must also let dh know that you are not a mug neither

Bumbleford Mon 27-Oct-08 13:48:51

Many thanks for your replies. Nobody else I know is aware of this situation so I have no one to talk to about this!

Solidgold: I take your point re: X having no intentions towards DH. I know that DH has no such intentions towards her anymore too so that's not an issue. I think it irks me, though, that he has such a close working relationship with a woman who he did intend to sleep with at one point int he past, if that makes sense.

Cranky: I don't think I have PND - I've felt this way for about 2 years! I think I might be getting my first post-baby wallop pf PMT though, which probably isn't helping my mental state right now!!

I think I find truly forgiving DH for all that has happened very difficult indeed. I feel like there are two different voices in my head: on the one hand I feel frustrated with myself for not being able to get past this and I realise that it's not actually about X at all - on the other hand, I feel very angry at DH for the things that have happened and I resent having to get over it all, if that makes sense. I get very sick and tired of having to be the bigger person all the time...

I tried counselling once before but didn't have a good time with it. Maybe I just need to go back to it again

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