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his family dont care

(34 Posts)
k9kuts Wed 09-Mar-05 13:50:32

hi im new to the board,just had my first baby 8 weeks ago.shes gorgous and the only thing thats keepin me sane.the thing is i come from a small family and so does my h,my s & d are made up with the new arrival & come round as often as my h parents just dont seem intrested,only his mum came to the hospital once and called round a few times when we came i hardly know the women ive been with my h 10 years and can honestly say ive met her about 20 times and they live a mile down the road!but everytime i do she has to stamp her authority over my h with snide remarks like how no one will ever no him like she does & silly things like on her last visit about 7 weeks ago i was havin a bit of a moan about my h not pulling his weight and she told me i had pnd!how rude!its never really bothered me before but it breaks my heart to think they dont care about the baby,i thought things would be better after the birth,even start to get along more as a family but their just not bothered .my h is a total mummys boy and wont have a bad word said against them although he knows its wrong.he always goes to see them on a sunday but ive never been asked ,he took the baby twice but i put a stop to that if i wasnt allowed to go,i did go the next week and it was the usual fake smiles but im not willing to do it h has said he will speak to them after we had a huge row about it but i want him to stand up to them and tell them how wrong they are.i dont care what they think of me but my baby doesnt deserve this and the saddest thing of saddest thing of all is my mum died when i was 16 she was brilliant and i know she would have been the perfect gran!sorry to rant but i just feel so frustrated and hurt.

catgirl Wed 09-Mar-05 14:29:28

hi - sorry you are having a hard time with his family, having a baby can bring all kinds of emotions out - and also sorry about the loss of your Mum, no matter how long ago. sometimes you just have to accept that families (whether his or yours) are pants and just let them get on with it. I do feel sorry for your dh, as it seems he is very much stuck in the middle. My in laws live about 400 miles away and (from reading the stories on here) are not too bad! Someone will be along soon with more constructive advice! Congrats on your beautiful daughter by the way.

maria1966 Wed 09-Mar-05 14:39:38

Hi ,welcome to mn.I am fairly new myself to mn and reading your thread i could relate to so much of it.I have 2 children ds 3 and dd 2.My mum passed away 12 years ago and my dad 8 years ago and like you they would have been fab grandparents as they were to my sisters children.
My dh parents live in Ireland and since the children have been over 4 times in nearly 4 years!!They are their first grandchildren and cannot understand why they don't make the effort to seem more.We have to go over there and feel pressured to do so as they have not seem them since august 04 when we made the trip to see them.At the time and now i am having real anxiety problems with going out and is as much as i can do to take ds to pre school which i am having help with from a therapist.
We are due to go over at easter,they paid for the tickets and asked us and although it is a really difficult time for me which i have hinted at to mil she choose to ignore this and send tickets anyway without thinking of the distress it might cause me.I want to do this for my dh and childrens sake so have no choice.
I see your mil makes snide comments about you having pnd,if she thinks that surely she should be supporting you!!!My mil said to me aftwer my dd was born your not depressed you would'nt be able to keep up with the chores etc orfunction but i feel people with depression sometimes put on a brave act to the outside world when inside they are screaming.
Ypu mentioned the rows with your dh over this and i have rows about this all the time which i frequently lose ,of course my dh will stick up for his parents most of the time which is so hurtful,he has a family of his own now i tell him and they should come first.I know you said about standing up to them which is what i say to dh all the time but he does'nt want to cause an arguement and upset his mum,but what about them upsetting me?
Very difficult situation.I know as you say it is hurtful anf frustrating and as you lost your mum at a young age you probably need that close relationship with your mil.I know i never felt part of my dh family,even though we have been together 13 years.It makes me so angry that they have a chance to spend as much time as thay want with their grandchildren,something my parents will never have.
If you need to vent some more anger or just talk keep threading ,myself or some of the other fab mn's i am sure will be happy to give you support and advice.
take carexx

maria1966 Wed 09-Mar-05 14:46:41

Hi again,forgot to say everytime you look at your beutiful new daughter just think it's their problem they are the ones missing out.
I say that to myself when i get annoyed about the in laws and think it's their loss not mine.
Just concentrate on enjoying your new little girl and don't let them spoil that for you.

k9kuts Wed 09-Mar-05 17:25:18

thankyou so much i now no its not just me overacting,but i just cannot get it out of my head maria1966 your so right about our d/h having families of their own,shouldnt our hapiness be the most important thing to them because i no his is to me and you hit the nail on the head how can they ignore my dd when my dm would have doted on her.i lost my dm 12 years ago and iam now missing her more than ever i tried to explain this to my dh but he said he cant do anything about it!(sensetive isnt he).im sorry to hear about your troubles but im also glad you can relate to me and of course my little girl will not miss out on anything it will be them.

maria1966 Thu 10-Mar-05 00:28:16

k9kuts-no you are not over-reacting at all.Getting over the death of a mother is so difficult and i know for me as soon as i had my own children it became even more so.
Could you explain how you feel to your husband and make him realise how lucky he his to still have his mother and that you feel pushed out.
With a new baby and all the tiredness and raging hormones you will need some support.Do you have close friends or family members you could talk to.
Keep posting on mn if you feel you'd like someone to talk to.

k9kuts Thu 10-Mar-05 12:54:10

hello again ive woke up this morning feeling a lot better,ive decided to try and not let it become an obsession.ihave explained my feelings to my dh and although he says he understands i dont feel he does,and this is what the problem is.he has said he will speak to them but i want him to do it for himself not because i have pushed him into it.i cannot understand why he is not angry at his parents for virtually ignoring HIS dd.when we try & talk it always ends in a row and i dont think an atmospere is good for the baby and i inevitably it brush under the carpet.i no his parents are in the wrong but i feel my dh is to ,let me explain (sorry this will be long)my dh is an only child he lived with his parents until he was 36 they did everything for him he didnt even pay keep,whilst we were dating on the odd occasion when he took me round it was straight into his bedroom,i felt so rude we didnt even say hello to his parents.anyway after 6years i felt it was about time we made the next step and move in together,it was a flat no so i gave him an ultamatum & he eventually we get the house in joint names.the 1st few days were great until 1 night on returning from work i found some new curtains hanging in the lounge enquiring to dh were he had got them he told me his dm had bought them and been round to put them up,i luckily liked them but was raging inside the house was joint i put as much money into it as he did!so why was another woman buying curtains for my house!i hope i dont sound petty but she continued to visit on her days off adding bits &pieces when i wasnt there 2 give an opinion.but i swallowed my pride & kept stum even invited them to new year party her reply was "even if you hadnt asked we would have gatecrashed "(a yes or no wouldve been fine)my dh wasnt their at the time.when itold my dh he nearly died asking why i had invited them is he ashamed of them or me?but they came & my family tried so hard to make them welcome but they basically stuck together,the drinks were flowing and we were all having a dance but she made sure nobody was going to steal her dance partner yes my dh even at midnight she totally ignored her dh and threw her arms round mine!so i bit the bullet took her in to the kitchen &tried to make friends told her how id like to get to no them better & she agreed.a year or so passed & we decided 2 get married my dh didnt want a fuss so we decided just the 2 of us would go abroad which his parents wer fine about,on our return we had a party & the first thing she said 2 me was oo have you put weight on yet again i smiled sweetly.then i became pregnant with twins i was so excited as i had already lost 1 pregnancy which my dh didnt want to tell them xmas day we went round 2 break the news she was shocked although she said she new it was coming & then came how will you cope blah blah blah putting a dampener on things,unfortunatly i misscarried again not once did they call or come 2 see me.i dont no why i expected them to in 10 years they have never even sent me a birthday heres all the evidence and i kind of get the feelin their not to keen on me!but still my dh doesnt see that theres a problem & ive got them all wrong so as you can see im fighting a losing battle!(sorry i told you it was long) x

maria1966 Thu 10-Mar-05 13:34:11

Hi k9kuts,have just read your thread and was astonished as a couple of things you mentioned i could have written,eerie!!
I would like to chat more but am busy with the children at the moment who are pulling all the loo roll off the holder!!!!I'll be back later to chat
best wishes

k9kuts Thu 10-Mar-05 22:58:36

im intriged now!hopefully catch up soon believe me theres much more to come that was just the basics!

maria1966 Thu 10-Mar-05 23:21:16

Hi again,sorry to hear about your miscarriages.
It sounds to me like the mil would not be happy with whoever your dh married,maybe she still thinks of him as her little boy and now he has a baby of his own maybe that inforces the fact to her that he has his own family now.She sounds really jealous.My mil never sends me a birthday card in the 13 years since i have been with dh.Although obviously sends dh one with a huge cheque every year.That hurts me,also she does send me a xmas pressie but always puts from (there first names) rather than mum and dad.Which i know they are not but i know my own parents would have written mm and dad to my dh,putting their first names makes me feel so un important.
When i read that she told you were putting on weight when you got back from honeymoon(me and dh got married in las vegas on our own)that you had put on weight.Snap my mil as soon as i meet up with her that's normally the first thinh she says to me!!I remember 2 days after having my ds she came to visit and i was still wearing a smocked dress for comfort she looked at my stomach and said are you sure you have'nt got another one in there?I was so insulted.
Sorry but the curtain situation made me laugh,no offence meant, but i could not belive the cheek of it,i would have been fuming.I would have felt like was she prying around my home to see how tidy i was etc.
What do you do on as sunday when your dh goes to visit,does he go for lunch?
I would go along one sunday with your dh and see what reaction you get,let your dh witness this and then he can see what the problem is for himself.Surely he wants to take his dd to see his grandma and show her off!!
Glad your feeling a bit better today
keep posting

alux Thu 10-Mar-05 23:44:33

so sorry to hear of all the strains with mil. K9, you are understandably reliving the loss of your mum now because of your new baby. You do need the understanding of dh if not mil. And how it must hurt to be in that awful position.

It will be hard to accept that there is nothing you can do to change their behaviour. Your primary focus is to make yourself and dd bond closely to each other - and seek out other middle age women whose company you enjoy. I work with a couple wonderful women who are old enough to by my mums and get a lot of warmth from them. My mother's mil was quite a witch to my mum and I find that I don't miss that g-mum or my paternal relations. So, yes, they will miss out on 2 great human beings in their lives. You and dd will still be happy, wholesome people.

I find that it is my own family who don't seem much bothered with how I am doing. I am getting all the support from mil and dh.

k9kuts Fri 11-Mar-05 00:06:54

oh my word maria1966 this is about to get a whole lot weirder i got married in vegas 2! anyway i did go with him the other week & guess what they rang him this week to say they were going out they never go anywhere!as for the curtain story this 1 is even better now my mil works in a charity shop this is the woman who cant even be bothered to come to see her dgd so why does she feel the need to send bags & bags of 2nd hand clothes every week!(if your a corrie fan just think scooter)dont get me wrong im not a snob but iam quite capable & enjoy buying my dd new clothes .oh well even if my dd hasnt got any gp shes got all the hand me downs from our town!

k9kuts Fri 11-Mar-05 00:13:38

alux your right but i just wish my dh understood but he acts as if its not happening.i have got a very close sister& also a friend of my mums who is brill but unfortunatly only see her on special occasions.but i know shes always there if i need her thanx for your support i cant believe ive only just found this site,im feelin better already x

maria1966 Fri 11-Mar-05 00:15:19

hi,k9kuts,,can't believe you got married in vegas.We got married at little white chapel ,purely because my dad had passed away a year earlier and could'nt face the whole family thing.
My mil always sends boxes of clothes from Gymboreeand even bought ds first pair of shoes,first winter coat and was astounded when she saw my dd in denim jeans once,probably too common for her.Now gymboree has closed down in britain she has a problem she has to go to next,not quite good enough!!!
On the mil front maybe you could call her back and say we will come round on saturday then instead

k9kuts Fri 11-Mar-05 00:26:40

again this gets stranger we got married at lww chapel as well!ive just remembered another thig for about a month my dh always used 2 return from their house with tins of dogfood when i asked why she had bought our dogs food he replied she picked it up by mistake?but get this they dont own adog & i work in a petshop!

maria1966 Fri 11-Mar-05 00:48:29

really funny about the dog food,does she think you don't feed him?Maybe she would like to support you at the moment with your hands full with the new baby and do some food shopping for you.
Did Charlotte marry you at the chapel in vegas?
we got married in september 98 and it was perfect,hot and sunny as it would be and a ride in a limo up the strip,star treatment.

do you drive/could you pop round one day with your daughter and surprise her?

k9kuts Fri 11-Mar-05 11:23:26

i dont know what goes on in her head!i dont drive but like i said she only lives in walking distance but i dont no if i can be bothered making the effort,she will only say something to upset me & cause another argument for me my dh.when he goes on a sundasy he tells me hes going to the shop returns later & tells me he just popped into see them!honestly i dont mind him going there but why does he lie thats what makes it worse.he has taken the baby twice without me just after she was born the first time i suggested it but the 2nd time he said they wanted 2 see her so i said id go 2 but he fobbed me off saying he wouldnt be long!his visits didnt bother me b4 dd but i did tell him when she was born i would like to go 2.there just a weird family like the 3 of them dont want any outsiders dont get me wrong id never stop him taking her there but i dont want her 2 b part of that without me,i dont no y im worrying about it cos they obviously think of our dd as an outsider 2 and i think your right maybe she is jealous of dd.the funny thing is at my scan we were told it was a boy!so off i went & bought blue blue blue but to our delight she came out a girl !i cant help wondering if they are dissapointed?i cant remember the name of the lady who married us it wasnt charlotte although she was there its funny ther was me & dh thinkin we were being really outragous & differant but we have heard of loads of people who did the same & i cant blame them id love 2 do it all over again.

maria1966 Fri 11-Mar-05 13:16:08

Hi k9kuts,how are you today?
The point you made about them maybe being disappointed at baby being a boy made me think of dh parents i think secretly fil was pleased his first grandchild was a boy.My friend had 2 girls and last yesar had a boy and people would say to her oh your've fianally got a bot you can stop know,your family is complete.What nonsence.Rather old fashioned view,suspose it has something to do with carrying on the family name.
On the visiting side of things would your mil come over to tour house for sunday lunch maybe or would that be a problem.I know you have your hands full with the mew baby,could dh cook and invite her and she could help out in the kitchen,she sounds like the sort of person who would revel in that.
How are you finding being a mother?
I know with my first once the first couple of weeks had passed your in a daze keeping on top of constant feeding,changing nappies,washing,lack of sleep.All good fun!!!
Speak again soon

maria1966 Fri 11-Mar-05 13:19:43

sorry first line should read disapointed about baby being a girl.Trying to type and keep 2 little monkies under control!!!!!

k9kuts Fri 11-Mar-05 13:37:37

im ok but going to see anusery later & dreading it just hoping i win the lottery before my maternitys up!i have asked my dh numerous times to invite them over but he never does?after a stressful few weeks i think ive finally got the hang of being a mum !my dd its very very good sleeps through from 8 till 5 or first i had a lot of trouble breastfeeding the midwives at the hospital wer horrible really intimidating so i signed myself out & was home the nex day,i had a full week without sleep & was becoming ill my dh didnt even take any time off until my sister stepped in & took me to her house gave me a lovely meal run me a bath & had the baby through the wasnt until then that my dh started to help out,itold him id may as well be single & he said he wouldnt stop me!but thats another story ive got to go now but let me know what time your usually on & we can chat later x

maria1966 Fri 11-Mar-05 14:08:21

Hi k9kuts,usually on between 4-5pm if possible and later after 9pm sometime when the little angels are sleeping and dh is normally snoring on the sofa!!!!
speak later

k9kuts Fri 11-Mar-05 23:12:40

hi maria,just to let you know me & dh have had a good talk today & it didnt end in a row!he told me he just wants me to be happy and he 2 is upset at the way his parents have been so he is going to have it out with them,so i will let you no what happens.i no were never going 2 be the waltons but we have got to try 4 dd ,also it has put a terrible strain on our relationship & despite everything i love my dh so much (even if he is a big soft mummys boy)& after a rocky start he is a brilliant dad,so hopefully things are lookin up!i hope your ok & thanx 4 all the advice maybe i can return the favour 1 day.have you decided about ireland?you will have 2 let me no x

maria1966 Sat 12-Mar-05 11:00:59

Hi k9kuts,we are going to ireland over easter,looking at in a positive way as i know the children will love it,they live by the shore so it will be really relaxing,which is what i keep telling myself.Positive thinking as my therapist says!!!!
Really pleased you had a chat with your dh and hope all goes well when he talks to his mum.
Have a good weekend
speak soon x

k9kuts Thu 07-Apr-05 12:15:20

hi maria1966,hope you get this did try 2 find you with a new thread.anyway hope you enjoyed your easter break,things are pretty much the same here although we have been invited 2 the inlaws for sunday lunch once a month!k9kuts x

maria1966 Thu 07-Apr-05 15:04:32

Hi k9kuts,sorry i did'nt see your other thread.
How have you been?
The trip to Mil was really stressful and she kept making snide comments about what rules we have for the children and shouting at ds for the silliest of things.I found it so hard to hold my tounge but did so for dh's sake so as not to make an atmosphere.
I am glad you have been asked to sunday lunch once a month,did your dh talk to her?
How is your dd coming along?
Speak again soon

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