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Help with dh-I feel betrayed

(11 Posts)
diffnameforthis Wed 09-Mar-05 13:32:16

I am beside myself atm.

Basically my dh is sneaking onto the internet to look at porn. (I know men like to fantasise etc etc but I just disagree with porn entirely)

He does this when i am out on my computer..and when he is supposed to be looking after our one year old son.

HE seems to have little or no sex drive....I have to do everything in terms of sex.....when we do have sex it's crap and I'm sick of lying to boost his confidence.

I feel totally and utterly betrayed. We have talked about the fact that he can get whatever he needs sexually from me- in the bedroom...he just has to express that he wants something. This has happenned alot over in the past and when ds was born he promised me it would stop. We even set the computer up so that he couldn't look. I want to trust hinm tho...he is 31 and should be able to restrain himself.

It's hard reconciling two different sex drives let alone when he just goes to porn or fantasy (on his own)instead of expressing himself in reality. I am pretty open sexually and will try anything (except that which is illegal).

I am scared that he is looking at sites with very young girls...he is in a respected public position and I am scared he will end up expressing himself inapproriately at work...albeit in his office on the net...but he could get caught that way and loose his job over it.

I feel like he is betraying me and our children....

don't know what to do...anyone???

I know men can be idiots when it comes to sex.....but this has got to change and i don't know how to help him.

thanks for hearing my teary rant....any constructive advice would be great.

diffnameforthis Wed 09-Mar-05 13:33:51

I have no problem with him 'seeing to himself' we all do that ...it's just the porn

huggybear Wed 09-Mar-05 13:40:42

You poor thing.

Its pointless setting the pc up so that he cant look at porn because thats no fixing the problem. You need to be able to trust that he wouldnt even if he did have access to it.

Do you know why he does it? Is it like an addiction that he cant control of does he just not care that hes hurting you and is being selfish?

If your worried about what sites he is looking at, young girls or whatever then there is a way you can follow his footsteps so to speak but unfortunatly i dont know how to do it. You could try looking in the history section on the tool bar at the top of the screen

im sorry but i dont think i have any constructive advice but im sure there will be someone along who can help.

TheVillageIdiot Wed 09-Mar-05 13:43:55

Assuming it was just normal porn in the privacy of your own home thenI wouldn't have a problem at all with it. I have no problem with consenting adult in porn at all.

However looking at work is gross mis-conduct and will often lead to instant dismissal.

'Young' girls however is much more serious if you really think he is doing this then I would think very carefully about your future with him and your children's well-being. I am making a huge assumption that by 'young' you mean under age.

diffnameforthis Wed 09-Mar-05 13:48:59

thanks folks,

I have no problem with sexy literautre...which is what i think he is looking for rather than pictures anyway...and I agree about the privacy of our home excpet for the fact tha a huge part of our proffession is working from home.....we work woth people...often one 2 one etc.....

I am not sure if he is addicted or not...may be he is....

I don't think my children are in any risk...he is not likely to ever act in reality...most of this is about fantasy...however I am not sure I can have a marriage with a man that can only engage with sexuality in fantasy and not in reality (sex will never get better in reality if he doesn't 'practise'.). As for the young bit...the sites are a bit dodgy..if he has to use porn...I really would rather he bought a legal magazine and stayed away from the internet stuff.....

TheVillageIdiot Wed 09-Mar-05 13:51:54

So clear this up for me - what do you mean by 'Young'?

If you are talking underage - in other words - child abuse then this is very serious and very wrong.

My dp and I use porn together however, whatever media there is a very huge difference between consenting adults in porn and 'other' porn.

Sponge Wed 09-Mar-05 13:53:02

It's hard to say without knowing the details but it sounds as if this might be as much about your hang ups as his.
Most normal adult blokes (and quite a lot of women) will occasionally look at porn. If it's normal porn then this does no harm and it might actually help encourage a chap with a low sex drive. Porn does not take the place of sex.
If you try to be more understanding rather than censorious, and if you ca bring yourself to perhaps even share it with hi a bit then it might improve your real sex life.
If however you suspect he's looking at underage girls then that is an entirely different matter, you should check the computer to find out and if he is you must take strong action immediately. This is illegal and very worrying.
Most workplaces block porn sites so I wouldn't worry too much about him behaving inspparopriately there for the time being.

diffnameforthis Wed 09-Mar-05 14:00:59

that's what I am worried about...having checked my history..some of the girls look under age....but he is mainly seeking out pronagraphic stories rather than pics...it seems he goes into all sorts of sites but most the pages in my history are stories and creative writting pieces.... He is so unaware tho, I am not sure he would think twice about how old the women looked....whereas that's the first thing that strikes me.

I have no problem dressing up, posing and even using pornagraphic stories, books and possible could be pursuaded to use the kind of mags that are clearly consenting adults....it that's what helps him to express his sexuality. I have asked him about this but he just acts ashamed and disgusted and says no...that's dirty and wrong...

What's most hurtful is the sneaking around. It seems so selfish and as he is unaware and immature sexually I think it's dangerous.

If I hated my MIL, I really hate her now. They have never given him a healthy picture of a sexual relationship just told him that sex was wrong out of marriage, masturbation was wrong etc etc......so sex has to be wrong or dirty to be exciting...I think (!)...it was great before we got married.

TheVillageIdiot Wed 09-Mar-05 14:05:44

hmmm, am finding it difficult to give you advice as I really am hung-up about the 'young' bit. I can't see passed it, I think this hinges everything... if they are under age it is so very very wrong.

If however they are just young as in early 20's etc... then fine no problem.

Why not look for some saucy text on the web call him up at work about 5 mins before home time and read it down the phone to him; end the call by telling him your waiting for him and see what happens...

Sponge Wed 09-Mar-05 14:11:31

Oh poor you. It does sound like he has some serious issues. However it doesn't sound as if he's looking for underage content but rather he's looking for some excitement but is a bit ashamed and hates it that you catch him at it.
However there is a big difference between wanting to read about certain situations in stories and wanting to actually take part in something similar, or wanting your wife to act them out.
If he's immature and embarrassed sexually then offering to dress up etc will just scare him.
It might be best if you just let him get on with reading his stories and treat your own sex life as something totally separate which you have to approach with gentleness and warmth.

diffnameforthis Wed 09-Mar-05 14:15:58

maybe you're rignt sponge. I might subscibe him to a mag that has lots of stories in it tho....to try and steer him clear of the internet stuff.

Maybe that would be too pushy.

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