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Can any counsellor or shrink type peeps tell me WHY I get the mood from hell when I get presents I don't like from close family or friends?(51 Posts)
I'm not spoilt and generally a cheerful happy go lucky person. However, when people buy me gifts that aren't right, I get the mood from hell. If its someone I don't know that well or a cousin or similar, I'm able to fake delight no problem and then I whinge later but if its someone close, like my mum or Dh, I get really ratty and feel like I HAVE to tell them there and then what is wrong with it! Its like a bee in my bonnet until I've voiced just what I don't like....
I hate being like this - what the hell is it and what is wrong with me!? When DH does it, I get mad as I feel like he doesn't know me enough/listen to my likes or dislikes enough to get the right present...
I must stress again, I'm not spoilt...I want to change this about myself as I don't like it at all and it causes problems with DH and I!
surely you should be grateful that you are getting presents to begin with??
That's my point - if its not the right present, I'm not grateful and its a horrible trait and I want desperately to change it!
Do you spend a lot of time picking presents for others ?
I know that I have been known to be a wee bit grumpy ( not to face but lots of whinging afterwards ) when someone buys me a really crap present when I have spent days looking for just the right thing for them .
have you tried telling yourself that this might be a tad immature and it really is the thought that counts?
Travelling - yes I do. I listen to what they say in conversations and anything that I think matches what they would like or need I will buy it...maybe its the effort not being reciprocated that is making me upset
HappyMummy - yup, tried all that - doesn't work...I stay angry until I've voiced what I don't like...I know its shit, but that's why I'm posting here in the hope of getting some advice about it
I'm a bit like this apparently, once dd1 brought me one of these and I took it back, it was £40 we didn't have at the time and I knew it would just get shoved in a draw, it's not something I would ever use, dd1 was really upset with me but I jsut didn't feel we had £40 to waste.
I do try to be grateful so I know what you mean. I'm not spoilt, I don't do it on purpose I think it's because I hate waste when we're so skint.
I think you just have to not take it so personally , I know I have had some rubbish presents in the past and thought "Do these people even know me ?" but then I have seen the crap they have bought for others and realised they are just rubbish present pickers . Could you maybe ask for vouchers in future from close family and tell them you are saving for something special ?
I know its the thought that counts and all that stuff but really a nice present is better
mmmmmm...tricky,i tend to do the same as you,i.e pick up on what people want then make sure they get a really nice present.
if people dont do the same back,yep,i do get a bit disapointed but i just think to myself its a really nice trait that i have but not everyones the same.
some people just not great at picking prezzies!
There is a theory that each of us speak our own 'love language'; that is, we have a particular way of giving and receiving love. (e.g. words of encouragement, gift giving, physical touch, acts of service and quality time). Your way may be through giving things - you show others you love them by choosing the right present, and you don't feel loved when someone gives you something that doesn't show they have understood what you like.
I am a words of encouragement person - I show I love someone by telling them they're great and I feel loved when I am told the same. My husband is an acts of service person - he feels loved when I do something for him, and he shows he loves me by making an effort to look after me and help me. If I say he is great, he doesn't feel as loved as when I think he would like a cup of tea and bring him one. And it doesn't matter how many times he empties the bins, I still go all soppy when he praises me for something.
If you understand it like this, then you can work out what other people's 'langauges' are, and help them feel loved by 'speaking' their language. And explain how you feel better to your mother and DH.
See t hat's the thing, I would love to be inwardly disappointed and oh hum, maybe next time, but no, I end up going on the rant from hell - especially if its DH and I hate it...I want to stop it but its like an unreasonble anger stays inside and does not go away until I've said something..I mean wtf!!!
OMG - PParent - that is brilliant!! I never ever heard of that before but it really rings true!! Wow....<lightbulb goes on in Puss's head> Where did you learn of this?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Mild - As I've said, I don't like the way I feel and I am trying to get over it - ok? No need for comments like 'grow up' as that is not helping
Go for a long run. On your own and really go for it. Helps me get things sorted.
I know someone who is like this and really complains or at the least comments on presents that she doesn't like. The person I know who does this puts a lot of thought into presents herself and says she would rather receive nothing than something useless/not to her taste, she perceives "bad" presents as an insult.
In your case I'm not sure how you could change your reaction except perhaps to say that it does suggest rather a controlling and presumptuous attitude, in that people are not obliged to give presents so maybe ask yourself why you are expecting them to know exactly what you will like.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Interesting - I do perceive bad gifts as an insult and in some cases, would rather not receive anything...mm...and of course, it is presumptuous of me to expect them to know what I like...maybe its because I go to great lengths to know what they like, that I expect the same back...mmm.... I know it needs addressing...but that language of love thing sounds very interesting!
It's from this book - although I have never read it but have heard the ideas on marriage enrichment courses, etc.
The book is written by a Christian and I think uses Christian examples and biblcal references, but I don't think you need to be a Christian to get the central concept.
It's really helped me get on better with my mum, who is a classic gift-giver.
Obviously my suggestion won't change what you feel about the present but it can help dissipate the anger. Keep it buttoned until you get the chance to get out, pound the pavement, go to the gym, take a long walk, whatever. Some people, like it or not, don't put a huge importance on presents, and those people will always upset you unless they chance on something you happen to like.
Ahh, Mild, I see what you mean. However, my issue with this is that I seem to stay mad or at least niggled by it, until I've voiced what I feel - and that's what I don't like and what I want to change. I can't seem to let it lie iyswim? I know its crap I really do!!
Here is a summary of the 'languages'.
Maybe its just simply what you said it was ' the fact that you feel your dh or dm should know you well enough to buy you a suitable gift.
It is good that you know its unreasonable becuase it would be so much worse if you felt you were being just in what you feel so it's good you can admit it.
In future could you ask your dh what you would like as a present rather than getting him to guess?
I have been known to behave like this . Thankfully (for me) only to DH and only expressing my disappointment to DH or maybe my Mum. My sil is the worst culprit of causing disappointment. I really think about what to get her and BIL and make their presents personal and she gets me random smellies from Boots. Used to make me mad .
Anyway my point is I have got much better behaved by giving myself a good talking to and acting sincere in public and then moaning about it to myself in the bedroom later.
My DH is the one I am honest with now, but I solved this the last few years by buying my Christmas present from him to me myself .
You have my sympathy, but you are right that you need to sort it. I would be mortified if my children behaved like that .
Try writing it down instead????
I used to rarely buy things for me. That is why Christmas presents were a big deal. They were my treats for the year iyswim. If they were crap I felt the present was wasted . Now I treat myself more. Rightly or wrongly the importance of presents from others is not what is was....
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