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Revealing your pervings to your new "man".............

(20 Posts)
Panfriedpumpkin Sat 25-Oct-08 20:54:38

I post on behalf of the ubiquitous 'friend', really.

Can anyone shed light on why a woman would do this?? He has been seeing her for about 3 months,he is late 30's, nice sort of bloke, but new partner ( i have never met) occassionally lets him know who she really fancies, incl. men she knows. He says in a leer-filled sort of way. He says he doesn't do this in return, and I believe him, and she apologises when he protests, but then within a v. short space of time is at it again, in sort of careless way, with no apparent intent to deliberately hurt.
All else in rel. appears to be fine, but he says he gets very undermined and loses faith in her.

any clues?? ta.

MrsGhost Sat 25-Oct-08 21:02:16

I wonder if she feels the relationship is to good to be true and is 'protecting' her self, and by doing this is trying to send the message that she is desirable to others and desires others. Bottom line she is trying to protect her heart and make an arse of it.

Panfriedpumpkin Sat 25-Oct-08 21:05:44

could be. He insists she doesn't do it deliberately though, not a sort of 'gambit' as you describe. I share an office with him often so we chat away. He describes it almost compulsive as she says he has deep feelings for him already, but just seems to ignore his feelings over this sort of stuff.

Men do it often it seems but for a woman to do it is unusual?

solidgoldskullonastick Sat 25-Oct-08 21:07:40

Has he actually asked her if she wants a monogamous relationship? Has he told her that he wants one? She may be trying to hint that she is not into sexual exclusivity and is neither offering it nor requiring it.
She's making a right bollocks of the job if that's what she is doing, though. One or two bouts of hinting are enough to tell whether or not a new partner is potentially up for it or utterly horrified, at which point you either Have The Discussion (properly) or make a polite excuse and bin the partner.

Panfriedpumpkin Sat 25-Oct-08 21:11:49

the monogamy thing is clear, he says. And he isn't 'suspicious' of actually unfaithfulness. I can't explain to him why a woman would choose to reveal the objects of her mental desires and pervings to someone whom she purports to have an attachment to. On one occassion she actually made panting noises in a description.
My advice was to bin her indeed. But it still leaves the question, why do it?

MrsGhost Sat 25-Oct-08 21:16:22

She sounds strange Pan, I think she is gonna end up dumped. I would be most peed off to be with a man who did that to me.

Panfriedpumpkin Sat 25-Oct-08 21:21:08

yup, Mrs. Last spoke to him on Thursday, and he was primed for the dumping scenario. Trouble is that he seems to really like her in other manners, and she seems unable to account for his feelings.
Suspect by Monday morning she will be history, and I can't blame him. It would drive me demented. Not the jealousy thing. Just the apparent lack of empathy, for others feelings.
Odd in woman.

MrsGhost Sat 25-Oct-08 21:26:01

I think he is going to have to Pan, don't you? despite what I said earlier, I don't really understand anyone doing something like that, its really strange

beansontoast Sat 25-Oct-08 21:39:26

she may be trying to protect herself as mrsghost said,but in a nasty kind of 'treat em mean' kind of way...does not sound healthy...sounds contrived to me.

Panfriedpumpkin Sat 25-Oct-08 21:59:14

not healthy, no. I knew of his partner, and when I checked on Thursday how things were going his little face just crumpled and he spewed it all out. Horrible stuff to hear.
The 'self-protection' thing is the kindest interpretation, and thanks all for posting.

solidgoldskullonastick Sat 25-Oct-08 22:36:20

Of course, she could just like tormenting partners. (bearing in mind that I don't know either of these people). Some people are actively into keeping a partner permanently insecure: 'Never forget, I could just dump you if you don't do everything I want. Because there are lots of other people out there I could be shagging. Don't think you can get complacent'. It's a little more usual for men to do this to women, but not impossible for women to be psychologically cruel to men, after all.

Panfriedpumpkin Sat 25-Oct-08 22:47:55

there is some truth possibly in that, solid. Work buddy is pretty well grounded - he has to be in our profession ( people-centered and all of that), and I did speculate with him that she may wish to knock him off his perch and make him as less-secure in himself as she is in her self. Nasty thing to do if true, rather than having the confidence to appreciate being involved with him.

solidgoldskullonastick Sat 25-Oct-08 23:44:35

At least (if it is the case that she is, for whatever reason, Nasty) he has only had 3 months of it and is smart and grounded enough to go, look, why should I put up with this? Byebye.
Some people just are unpleasant, unkind, manipulative and abusive. Even though they may be nice to look at, intermittently amusing and fabulous in bed. Sadly, people who are themselves insecure or desperate to be loved will put up with unpleasantness and get unhealthily accustomed to it: your mate is one of the smart ones who is going to walk away.

Panfriedpumpkin Sat 25-Oct-08 23:55:24

sobering thoughts, solid, and true.

piratecat Sun 26-Oct-08 00:04:14

agree to

'Some people just are unpleasant, unkind, manipulative and abusive'

i think he should move on, and find someone who doesn't fuck up his head grin

ToughDaddy Sun 26-Oct-08 18:15:15

Don't some people (men and women) talk like this after initial excitement of marriage/partnership has worn off? In the context of the brother/sister aspect of relationship that sometimes forms? What is different here is that the relationship is fairly new and that she may be a bit less inhibited than normal. Many people suppress their daily fantasies from their partners so as not to feed insecurity?

beaniescreamyb Sun 26-Oct-08 18:17:41

Who is she perving on? real people they both know or just filmstars and the like?

Panfriedpumpkin Sun 26-Oct-08 18:39:34

Sorry, no. It's actual people who she knows casually or accidentally - 'this bloke I met in the bank' sort of thing. I am sure they are both old enough to know the value of fantasies in a relationship. His refrain is that it makes him feel shit, and the fact that hurting his feelings doesn't seem to inhibit her from repeating the exercise.

solidgoldskullonastick Sun 26-Oct-08 20:54:59

The problem is not actually that she talks about her fantasies/people she fancies. The problem is that he has told her he finds it upsetting, and she still does it. This is what makes me inclined to think she may be someone who gets something out of hurting/upsetting/humiliating a partner.

Mind you, any years ago I had a brief fling with a bloke who was turned on by my talking about other men I'd like to shag. I wonder if this woman has had a previous partner with a similar fetish. Though even if that is the case, expecting a new partner to like stuff just because the last partner did is a bit lazy and thoughtless.

Panfriedpumpkin Sun 26-Oct-08 22:14:09

Who knows, solid? I have never met her, but was wishing to ask this female chamber to see if anyone else had done anything similar, and why so? He reckons it isn't malicious or planned, but the effect on him is the same. Suspect my Monday it will be over anyway.

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