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Do you ever feel like running away?

(10 Posts)
oftendistracted Fri 24-Oct-08 23:11:22

It seems every time I have a row with my partner I think about how I could run away.

I'm a stay at home mum - it was our choice but during a row he often says things like "I wish you'd stop sponging off me!"
or "I can spend my money on what I like because it's my money."
I'm left feeling deeply hurt. I've got post graduate qualifications so know I could get a job - in fact we had similar careers until I fell pregnant - now he's a high flier and I just bring up the baby. I've recently started applying for work, but he says "How can I work and look after our toddler? It wouldn't be fair on her."

I feel trapped. I've lost who I was - all in a bid to do what is right for my family - only to have it all thrown back in my face.

My partner and I were on the verge of splitting up then I found I was pregnant - now I often wish I didn't go back to him and made my own way.

Most of the time he is okay with me, but the desire to leave him is always just bubbling under the surface.

And of course there is my lovely child to think about. She loves her daddy and would be well looked after by him - I often think he's only with me because he thinks it's right for her. If I left without her he wouldn't bat an eye however if I had custody he said he would kill me and has been violent and suicidel in the past.

I'm stuck and I totally don't know what to do. Motherhood has turned me from a capable, indpendent woman into someone who has no money in her account and know no clue of how to get myself out of this without hurting my child.

I need some opinions.

Do all mothers who adore their children feel like this from time to time?

Trapped and confused about who they are and what they have become?

ToughDaddy Fri 24-Oct-08 23:19:48

Very sorry to hear about this. Even by normal male standards of meanness your husband is atleast insensitive and thoughtless. If he wants you guys to stay together then he has to change his behaviour. If he doesn't (you sound as if you don't) then I guess you have to try for an amicable separation. But I guess that you should try Relate or similar first. I am not an expert on these things but you will end up being very bitter if you keep swallowing this? Not good.

PortofinoPumpkin Fri 24-Oct-08 23:22:19

I'm not the expert on this, but didn't want you to have no immediate reply. He sounds like an arse. This is not the normal response of a caring dp and father. Your DP sounds very controlling.

Threats of violence are TOTALLY out of order. I don't like to make judgements on people's circumstances as me and DH used to have quite a volatile realtionship. But sounds to me like you would be so much better out of there!

Others will probably be able to give you the links on Womens Aid etc. But do not run away from your DC!

OptimistS Sat 25-Oct-08 10:00:44

Please use the internet to look up websites about domestic abuse. I don't know you and don't have all the information, but reading your post and taking things at face value, I'd say that you're in an abusive relationship and in your case it's only a matter of time before you reach a point where you've had enough and decide you have to leave. If you have any worries at all about your DP becoming violent when you do, then you need to make plans to leave without his knowledge and prepare everything you need in advance. There are lots of women out there who have left their partners and started a new life free from threats over custody, etc. Check out some of the websites and go from there. Good luck.

needmorecoffee Sat 25-Oct-08 10:03:17

next time he talks about 'his' money, present him with a childcare, cooking, shopping and cleaning bill.
He does sound abusive and controlling.
Just read what you said about his threats of violence. Thats disguting and would make me leave someone.

fourkidsmum Sat 25-Oct-08 10:36:16

You have all my sympathy

I thought at first you must be married to my exh!

My advice would be to think very carefully about what is right for you. Your child will be happy if you are happy, and presumably leaving without her would not make you happy. in addition, your husband is not in a position to look after her - he is a high flier and you have made sacrifices to be at home with her, and with his financial support for her would be able to make decisions about staying at home for a while more, or working part time for example - or full time if you chose.

Ask around for recommendations for a good solicitor and call them. they will probably offer the first appointment for free so your husband need never know. You need good solid advice about your rights and what protection you and your child can get from a potentially violent exh.

when you have that information you can make an informed decision about what you will do. you might decide that life is easier where you are for now, but have an 'escape plan' for when the time is right, or you might decide that that time is now.

it isn't motherhood that has made you feel like this - it is a an unsupporting husband!

fwiw i stayed for a decade, and am now more than glad to be out of it, but don't necessarily regret not leaving sooner...well sometimes i do...depends on my mood lol
i stayed for so long for many reasons, but the major one was that he threatened to fight me for the dcs if i left - and i was afraid he could take them from me. of course, he couldn't. i just needed good advice! in fact, when it came to it he didn't even try - he didn't want children to look after as well as his important career!

someone else gave me some excellent advice which may be relevent to you. my children are all girls, and a friend pointed out that by living in that environment i was teaching them that it is okay for women to be treated this way. by leaving and making a good life for us, i hope i am demonstrating that women have rights, their own rights and rights as wives and parents. that we have the right to be happy, to have our own interests, to be respected and cherished. the sad part of it is that i did indeed learn from my childhood - i married a man exactly like my mother's husband (my stepfather)

my new partner is different as different can be though!

god, i hope that didn't sound like a lecture? blushall i really wanted to say - in rather a long winded way - was get good advice then make your decisions when your ready.

oftendistracted Sat 25-Oct-08 12:30:05

Thank you for your advice.
Last year when he had a very violent episode my best friend gave me exactly the same advice most of you gave - see a lawyer, know my rights.
On learning that I wanted to leave, he crumbled and asked that we try counselling.
We did and it worked so we stopped going. I didn't see the lawyer because he seemed unfair on him to be making plans to leave when he wanted it to work.
Now I see things differently.
Soon I will make and keep that appointment because, like many of you point out, I need to be clear about my options so any decisions I make are the best ones for myself and my child.
Thank you.
It's hard when you want the dream of the family and from the outside it all looks fine but on the inside you know it's something is just not right.

MrsMattie Sat 25-Oct-08 12:33:06

Your husband's attitude totally stinks. I wouldn't want to be a SAHM/housewife unless I felt 100% valued and respected by my husband and we had a fair, shared financial situation.

It seems you he gives you little respect or security - two crucial elements of a good partnership.

The violent episodes only make me more worried for you.

I'm not surprised you think about leaving him.

ActingNormal Sat 25-Oct-08 12:55:41

I just want to make the point that you are not JUST a mother, you are a MOTHER and that is something to be really PROUD of! The money your P makes is BOTH of yours because you are a PARTNERSHIP. You EARN your share. Like someone else said, if it helps to think of it like that - think how much it would cost to employ a nanny, cleaner, clothes launderer and cook if you worked in a job like your P's and had no time so had to employ these people. But a nanny isn't as good as a mother. You do it all better than people you could employ would do. You need to feel proud of yourself first and if your P can't see this in you and respect what you do as well he should be ashamed of himself. The key thing is that he should shift his focus from thinking of you as two people doing separate things like you were before you were a family (and stop thinking selfishly) to thinking of you as a partnership and a family that works TOGETHER for the common good of ALL of you.

I can see that you are working BLOODY hard and feeling unappreciated by anyone so are then feeling 'what's the point?' You both need to appreciate what each other does for the family, but recognising how good you are and how proud you should be YOURSELF is the start.

ToughDaddy Sat 25-Oct-08 18:32:54

Is it worth speaking to the counsellor before calling it quits? Obviously should still clarify legal options in parallel.

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