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Has anyone else become a saddo no-life since marriage & kids? I have!(17 Posts)
Argh! I just realised that I have NO INTERESTS anymore since marriage and the DC. I never used to be much of a hobbies person - just socialised, worked, and did the odd bit of arts & crafts - but lately I do NOTHING. Help! Anyone else like this?
It's getting to the stage where I have nothing to tallk about, and way too much time on my hands to start analysing my marriage/parenting skills/life.
What can I do? Don't suggest evening classes as we can't afford them and evenings are too busy with the kids, etc. Any other thoughts?
Or just come here and tell me that you've sort of disappeared too.
If your children are pre school then I can sort of understand it (and I freely admit I had lost me if a fug of feeding sleepless nights and c fecking beebies)
If they are teens then um you need to sort yourself out pronto !
If watching TV isn't a hobby or a pastime then I'm buggered
Please note you are not alone
Um, watching tv and dvds with dh and the occasional dinner with a friend is about the sum of my social life. I have to admit that I to worry about my lack of interests especially when my dh has loads. I often find I have nothing to say or contribute to colleagues at work who seem to spend their free (they dont have kids) time going to gigs, learing foreign languages, sailing and other various activities. I think the problem is I've let a lot of my friends slip since having kids. Note to self- make effort to make new friends, v difficult though especially as I'm quite shy...
So no you are not alone!
Have you tried Pilates? There are quite a few good instructional DVDs and books out there.
My favourite Pilates DVD
Or perhaps, invite a group of mums, stepford wives or friends over for coffee or a book club.
Form a music society, invite like-minded pals to do a duet/trio/quartet/quintet or learn an instrument if you are into music. I'm learning to play jazz piano at the moment.
There are free online podcasts learning modules available.
Learn Jazz Piano Podcast
I have felt like that too. It's difficult not to become absorbed into 'kid-dom' and I don't think the answer is what xenia would prescribe i.e getting a job.
My solution (and this is a new idea so it's not tested!!) has been to think about what I was into pre-kids and try and get back into that niche.
It's amazing how once you get back into interests you become more interesting to others and start to feel like a 'real' person.
My experiment if you will is only 2 weeks old but it's paying dividends!!!!
How old are your DC's? I was definitely like that for about 7 years, but recently I have really "found" myself again and am enjoying life very much. Gone back to some off my old socialising habits and taken up a new sport I love.
I have always worked p-t and for a number of years was happy just to coast/take my money, but recently I have become much more motivated again and have started to seek new challenges again.
You're not 'doing nothing' you're raising a family and you haven't disappeared you've become a mum! IMO you do have to put yourself second while the bubs are little, they need you, more than you need yourself if you know what I mean.
Doesn't mean you can't keep up with your own interests, just means it takes more planning and supportive family members, and if that not possible (as it wasn't for me) I just found things we could do together instead.
Set aside time to do your arts n crafts stuff (evening once they're in bed) and let nothing interfere with it. Or get them involved with their own crafty stuff while you do yours. Books were/are a godsend for me. Is the OU or Open College an option (choose a course thats not too intense though).
It will all come back as they grow and become less dependent on you. Life does change when you have kids and I don't think we're really as prepared for it as perhaps older generations were whose gender roles etc were more restricted.
Ive disapeared. I was told before i had ds that once you've got kids you are no longer X(insert your name) you will be known as y's mummy!
i was prepared for that, unfortunatly i seem to have developed a strange version of agraphobia since having ds and that means that even though i'm not X anymore i'm not y's mummy either. I have literally disapeared!
I feel the total opposite! Having children has given me a proper worthwhile job which makes me feel important! I had a job before but I wasn't high flying and it didn't feel 'meaningful'. I could call myself an IT Support Officer but now I can call myself a Mother which is a far more specialised and skilled job if you make a big effort to learn how to do it properly. I learned my IT job in a year, but I still haven't learned to be as good at being a mother as I felt at my old job and my oldest child is 5.
I find I get more social interaction than before. When you are working you can't really talk all the time instead of getting on with your work but if you go to play groups and 'mothers' meetings' and take your kids to play with their friends while you have a coffee with their mother etc you can get loads of talking done! And it is easier to talk when you have kids because you have something to start talking about - each other's kids!
You can still go out with your DH in the evening if you get a babysitter and you appreciate it more because it is more of a treat. We like going out for meals but don't get to go out in the evenings as much, so we go at weekend lunchtimes instead and take the kids with us (not AS relaxing/romantic, but still nice). Because we have refused to give up our meals out we've taken the kids since they were babies and they are so used to it that their behaviour isn't that difficult.
And you can go out without your DH while he babysits and it can be quite good for your relationship to do some socialising separately and then talk to each other after about who said what and funny things that happened etc.
You can go to evening courses as well. I like playing my flute and doing a bit of painting but I just don't tend to bother if I am at home, but if I have a regular evening to go out of the house and do it in a class it focusses me more and I actually do it then.
I worked a couple of days a week for a while (but lost my mind a bit so gave up for a while), but while I was 'sane' that broke up the week and stopped me getting bored. And I think it is good for the children to have a bit of time in nursery to prepare them for school and mix with more kids.
Even if you aren't working I think it is really important to have a break from them so a couple of days in nursery/preschool is good. You can do a bit of your own thing on your own in that time.
Something that helps me is to find things to do on set days of the week so that I don't feel every day is the same and endless boredom. Again this is less boring than doing the same paid job every day although depends on the job I suppose.
I hope I don't sound unsupportive by not feeling the same way but I'm trying to say that maybe there are ways that you could turn the situation to your advantage and think of it in a different way. I think a big problem is that society seems to define people by what paid job they have and how much they earn and what they have got materially and doesn't seem to value motherhood as a highly skilled and important job that it is. I think you should be really proud of what you do as a mother.
I suppose, in summary, I had a 'sad' life before, so this is an improvement! But if you were quite happy with your life before then you probably notice the downsides of being a mother more now. It is easier for me to see the positive side.
This 'sad life' you talk about was the one thing I couldn't stand. I work Mon - Thurs 8-5. I have a season ticket at Newcastle Falcons (alone hobby, well with DM and Sis) My hubby and I also take DS to watch our local rugby team. I am a member of our local amateur stage society and a member of it's committee. I have some excellent friends and we meet up regularly for lunch / dinner / wild nights out.
After I had my DS I lost my identity. I've always been involved in so many things and have always had my own 'life'. My DH is so supportive and he recognises that I need all this stuff in my life. It's not that being a mum wasn't enough - Ijust needed other things too. Needless to say I have fantastic support network and a fab DH.
I would look up your local drama groups / choirs if that's your thing. It's not an expensive hobby and very fulfilling !
wow...sounds just how I feel ...
I know raising kids is worthwhile and the most important job b.....
But I feel so lonely....All I have is the kids, all I do is to do with the kids, if thwy are not there, I am thinking about them etc...
I just don't know who I am anymore apart from a mother and a wife...I don't know what interests me as I stopped caring about me a long time ago.....
I have started trying to read again...not much I know but it gives me something else to think of and gets the brain working again....Is there anything like that you could do?? Even looking at the web making a promise that you won't look at mumsnet
I think I have lost my self esteem a few years ago, if I recover that then maybe I'll start getting MY life in order (not my kids) MY life......
Guess it's good to know that we are npot alone....
I definitely felt a bit of non-person for along while. It wasn't helped by DH moving us to another part of the country where nobody knew me as me but only as DS's mum. Just coming out of it now after 8 years because DS2 started school last month and I have time. It wasn't that I didn't think I was doing something useful - being a mother is far more useful than what I did when I worked, just that other people don't think that way.
Part of my rediscovery is doing an OU course again, part of it is evening classes although I know you said money was an issue.
I have also become a school governor although early days on that and only had a couple of meetings so far.
I am beginning to do some of the arts and crafts stuff I used to do - could you do that again and join a relevant group - for example our local wool shop has a knitting group once a month where people just get together and knit. Not expensive at all but a place to meet people and get away from the family for a bit.
I think that you have to make time for yourself as well and not feel bad. My DH doesn't know what hit him recently as I have been out a lot more in the evenings, leaving him to get on with things. I feel guilty but then I think why the hell shouldn't I? I have held the fort for the last 8 years and he goes off to work every day without wondering who is going to be caring for the children, it is time he took his turn. It isn't every night after all.
Could you do something like go for a walk or go running and let your DH get on with things.
You have to make an effort, ime, and realise that things changed drastically when you have children but that isn't it forever, they can change again if you want them to.
Wow, what a lot of lovely replies! I will definitely take notes from these and have a think about what I can change.
You are all very kind and inspiring, thank you.
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