Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
How did I get here and how the hell do I get out?(17 Posts)
I don't expect an answer to that question.
I've been sitting here staring at this keyboard for about an hour, with a head full of answers.
I've read books about it, seen countless slushy films about it. I thought I had it.
Then, about five months ago it happened to me. Between one breath and the next, I fell in love.
All-consuming, heart-stopping, wonderful, utterly terrifying. I felt myself fall and was powerless to stop it.
I've been in free-fall ever since.
He's intelligent, talented, a bon-viveur, musician, composer, photographer, film-maker. He lives the kind of life you'd expect someone like that to live.
I knew him years ago. Only briefly, just an acquaintance really. Then he moved away, found success, travelled the world and met fellow artists.
I never really thought about him after that. I never bought any of his records. Every so often, I'd hear him on the radio and I'd say to my friends "I once knew him you know!"
I worked, did my job well, met my husband and had my children. We have a lovely house, we're financially secure, no problems.
Until I was idly browsing youtube one day and I thought "oh, I bet there's some footage of ***** on here!" Sure enough, there he was.
On impulse, I left him a message of the "remember me?" type.
He replied. We told our stories and indulged in some heavy reminiscing about old friends.
Straight away we 'clicked'. The music we like, the food we like, the humour we like, seemingly everything in common.
Including the fact that we are both married.
We were in daily contact. Then one day he told me that he was going abroad for a fortnight to work.
I can pinpoint that as the exact moment that it happened, but I'm fucked if I know why.
He gave me his mobile number and said he'd text. And he did. From the airport before his flight, from the airport when he landed, from the taxi...I had a running commentary the whole time he was away.
When he returned, we arranged to meet up. Just for coffee, just to say hello.
All cliches apply for that meeting. I felt as though I had been hit by a truck. I was shaking so much and it really was touch and go whether I would actually pass out. He was shaking too. We had our coffee, we walked, we talked, we held hands and we kissed. Then we parted and I have no idea how I got home. Well, I drove, but have no recollection of the journey.
So much has happened since then. I came to realise that I will never have him. The life he has is one that I could never be part of. Nor, I'm sure, would he want to take on a couple of kids, or give up the life that he loves. He wouldn't leave his wife and I don't expect him to.
He wants me physically. I know that for certain. We haven't been intimate and I can't see it ever happening.
The happy, secure life I had lies in ruins around me. My husband has left. He discovered what was going on. And he discovered the extent of my feelings. He is hurt and angry and I caused it.
I am a reasonably intelligent person. I know what I have to do. I know the sane, logical, sensible way out of this. I know what I must do.
I know the answer to my own question and I am in hell.
I must do it, I must hold my head up and get on with my life and try to exorcise him from my head and my heart. I must bring my children up in a happy home.
I must sacrifice this wonderful, mind-blowing feeling. I have felt so alive and that is going to be so difficult to let go of.
I always wanted the kind of love that you read about in books. I just never knew that it would hurt so much to have to give it up.
i feel such sympathy for you and wanted to let you know so i can find this thread again later and post more.
You sound so sad.
Is there any chance that you can put this behind you, make a go of things with your husband, forget about this man and out evberything you have back into your family life?
Does the other man know that your husband has left you? Do you know for certain that he doesnt want a relationship with you if you both found yourselves to be single?
Dioriffic, I am aware of that, I wrote a "what the hell is this?" list and that was right at the top. Along with, teenage-type infatuation and a mid-life crisis.
I don't know what will happen with my h, they are all really fresh wounds and we're both too sore to talk.
geordieminx, yes he does know. And no. The only future I would ever have with him is that of 'the other woman.' I couldn't live like that.
I agree with Dior love develops over time. And if you do still love your husband is there some way that you can talk this through, maybe through relate.
I do feel for you as its awful when you feel your heart is breaking.
don't really know what to say, but anyone that likes alanis morissette is ok with me.
hope you get this sorted.
with you all the way...no answers, only sympathy support and hugs, throw yourself into life and use the power of the emotions, good and bad..to live your life to the fullest, and cry when you need to........
I so feel for you jlp and hope you get it sorted.
I have had that feeling about someone and will probably never have him properly.
It hurts and I don't know the answer. Just wanted to show my support.
You clearly still have feelings for this guy, however he has said he won't leave his wife so clearly does not feel as strongly as you, despite your mills and boon interpretation of his actions. Does this indicate he has suggested to you that you continue to meet despite his wife? If so then he is hardly the fantastic bloke you think he is.
Sorry to be blunt I think he is after a shag now and then and probably not much more. You have romantic image of this eejit because of his lifestyle and have interpreted every action into a romantic gesture. Was he really shaking? I doubt it. If so what a wally. You dont even know him really, though you think you do.
Sorry but the way you write shows no empathy for the people you have hurt (your husband and your children) and potentially will hurt ....i.e his wife, and children if he has any. Nice.
don't feel judged
only those who have never messed up, and those who can absolutely guarantee they never will mess up can do so! and that's none of us we all mess up in dfferent ways, but be sure we all do mess up sometimes!
i hope you can work things out so you all end up ok
Weeteeny, I think you're being very harsh. Jaggedlittlepill, I think you know what's going to resolve this and it's not going to be easy, but the answer is ... time. I wish I could tell you it'd be something easier, but you will look back on this time and think how terrible it was and how much better life is.
You've been swept up in the unreality and the inaccessibility of the whole thing - it makes it so much more dramatic and desirable than other relationships could ever be. Your relationship with your husband couldn't help but look fairly unexciting in comparison when you've that many hormones swirling around your heart and mind.
But I would be surprised if this was the first time that this other chap had been involved with someone like this. The kind of life he leads isn't very real, so I can see how it could happen to him more easily than for us more settled and less famous folk. Some people (eg my exdh) love to be in love, so they're not very good at maintaining a relationship when reality sets in, and they're perpetually chasing the buzz of early love/lust.
Since you're fairly clear that there's no chance of a relationship with the other chap, there's nowt much you can do other than decide whether you want a future with your husband or not. After that it's up to him whether he wants one with you, and if he does, then you just have to work through it together.
Those hormones, whatever your rational mind will tell you, are very real, and can make you feel like your skin is coming away - I don't envy you. You pay for the ecstasy with a LOT of pain. Hope you get through it sooner rather than later.
Thanks everyone for your input. Even Weeteeny! Incidentally, the opportunity for a "shag" has been there more than once. We didn't take it.
Despite my "mills and boon" original post, I am being as realistic as I can about it all.
trefusis, no! Definitely not! I don't envy his lifestyle one iota! I like a quiet life!
KiwiKat, he assured me that he'd never had anything like this happen to him. (I do have a large pinch of salt at the ready.)
As for whether I want a future with my husband, that is a difficult question. It's four weeks since he left the house and I'm very perturbed that I am not missing his presence. We had a "steady" relationship before, no rows or anything like that. We haven't rowed since either. I don't know what's going to happen. DH wants an instant decision, but I can't make it while my head's still numb, so I have told him I need some time.
I'm going away for the weekend on my own in a few weeks and I hope that I can sort myself out.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.