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Have you ever admitted to DH that you're falling for/have a crush on someone else?

(17 Posts)
bcsnowpea Fri 24-Oct-08 10:52:42

We just moved from Australia to Canada two days ago - DH is Canadian.

One week ago I was excited about our move, stressed but still enthusiastic about trying for DC2, and thrilled to be moving into a house we could fix and up and buy appliances for together.

Six days ago I started falling for a colleague. We have an intellectual connection that focuses around writing, and I think a lust has grown out of that. I went out for farewell drinks, and as inhibitions fell away we revealed to each other how close we felt.

Since then, I've had absolutely no excitement about my marriage, and at several points in the last week I have been very tempted to run away/get off the plane and fly back to this guy.

There's that brand new intensity between us even when we're not touching, which we were trying to avoid, and which now we can't do, being continents apart.

So, is this a phase? Should I hold off saying anything to DH, even though my mood is obviously terrible at the moment because I feel so miserable? Have you ever had to admit to DH that you're falling for someone else? How did it go?

mankymummy Fri 24-Oct-08 10:54:39

unless you are going to do something about it, ie run off with this bloke i think it would be cruel to tell your DH.

akhemsProjectilePeaSoup Fri 24-Oct-08 10:56:18

I wouldn't say a dicky bird.. it will probably wear off soon and in order to facilitate that happening I would break contact with the colleague.

Meantime you'd be causing a lot of hurt and upset to your husband for the sake of you having an itchy fanny.

NomDePlume Fri 24-Oct-08 10:56:39

Hang on

You moved 2 days ago but your feeling began 6 days ago ?

How can anything happen with this colleague, presumably they are still in Oz ?

unavailable Fri 24-Oct-08 10:56:50

The power of the unobtainable....

I'd say it was no coincidence that you allowed yourself to feel this just before you moved 1000s miles away.

Give it a few weeks, keep busy and dont contact other man. See how you feel then.

plantsitter Fri 24-Oct-08 10:58:16

You have to admit to yourself you may be confusing feeling a bit insecure about leaving your home with falling in love with someone who lives there.

This is a really stressful time. I would see how you feel in a couple of weeks (or longer) and think about it then.

NomDePlume Fri 24-Oct-08 11:00:26

For God's sake.

Grow up

6 days ago your infatuation started, since then you've moved thousands of miles away to a whole new country. Give yourself time to settle in (2 days is not long enough, imo). It may well be some sort of homesickness, you associate this man with somewhere you knew and were happy, now you've moved and have got to start all over again and it's a bit scary.

6 days of infatuation (2 of which have been spent on a different continent) is not enough to start blurting out things that will undoubtably hurt your DH and your marriage.

Toots Fri 24-Oct-08 11:01:17

I think it's good that you felt 'excited' and 'thrilled' about the move. In time that will all come back.

This feeling for the guy you left behind is a kind of sickness. Bear it. It will pass. And agree, don't say a bloody thing or it will become a nasty virus in the house!

CountessDracula Fri 24-Oct-08 11:41:35

Do you not think the inhibitions falling away came from the fact that you both knew that this move was coming up so felt deep down that there would be no consequences?

Has there been anything physical with this man? (from the "even when we're not touching" comment I guess so)

If so it is not just a crush, is it?

I think the timing is key
Of course you are feeling unsettled with this move. I guess this was a welcome distraction

HeyJude07 Fri 24-Oct-08 13:22:39

I think that you've got to see what's in store for the future here.

Yes, it's exciting now, and you have some kind of connection, but down the line when the whole new fuzzy feeling you get with a new relationship has worn off and he's sitting on the couch in his jocks, farting away while you iron his shirts and wonder where the next "connection" is going to come from, it won't be so wonderful then.

I think it is unrealistic to say that people don't get attracted to others after they are married, we are human after all, but we do have a choice what we do about it.

filz Fri 24-Oct-08 13:25:33

pmsl at nomdeplume but completely agree with her!

mazzystartled Fri 24-Oct-08 13:27:00

get real

the object vf your affection was taking advantage of you being a bit tipsy and over-excited. he could do and say whatever he liked because he knew you were offski and out of his life

and you are having a little wobble about this because it is easier than starting to build the life for you and your family.

ActingNormal Fri 24-Oct-08 16:54:10

Absolutely not! NEVER tell your DH! Why should he have to suffer the loss of confidence in himself and hurt just because you had a few moments of weakness.

The feeling of falling in love is an illusion, a trick of your brain chemicals to get you together with someone you can procreate with. After that you either connect on a deeper level and form a REAL relationship where you learn about the imperfections in your partner but realise/decide you can live with these because the good bits outweigh the bad or you split up. Once you are in a real relationship you don't need to keep falling in love with other people, unless there is something wrong with your relationship, but 'nature' still does it to you! You can decide to ignore the brain chemicals and focus on your marriage if you really concentrate on the logic of the situation. I know this is hard.

But, like others have said, once the level of falling in love chemicals dies down you are back to the weighing up of whether his good points make up for his bad and you will either end up in a similar relationship to the one you already have (if the good outweighs the bad), but having hurt your DH and child, so it won't be worth it for the same sort of relationship, no better. Or, you will realise you can't put up with OM's bad points so you will split up having hurt your DH and DCs for nothing.

If on the other hand, there is something wrong enough with your marriage that a relationship with OM would end up being much better than with your DH then you should consider leaving DH.

But, I don't think there is anything as wrong as that with your marriage or you would have been thinking of leaving him before you realised how you felt about OM, not happily daydreaming about how things would be when you moved with DH.

So like someone else said, let the in love chemicals subside and get over it like an illness, with no contact with the 'contagion' (OM) for a while. If you still feel the same after some time has passed and you are not getting any pleasure out of your marriage then you might reconsider. Give it plenty of time though before you make this sort of decision and hurt people, probably including yourself.

blueskyandsunshine Fri 24-Oct-08 17:02:33

bang on the nose mazzy

In response to the op I was about to say yes, I had a "crush" which became a joke between me and dh. Saying it to him defused it and made it ridiculous

but this sounds completely different, it sounds like you're taking it very seriously, as if the feelings that are washing over you might signify something more important than a whole life, commitments, a child, promises, blah blah.

I think you would be nuts to say something. Wait until you are settled and happy, you will be soon. I suppose if you ever travel far enough away from those feelings that you can say God what on earth came over me.. then I suppose you could tell him about it. (warning: only you know what the reaction would be). But otherwise let your brain rule: you might not feel it but you must know this is just mad escapism from a very stressful time.

bcsnowpea Fri 24-Oct-08 20:19:45

yeah, you're all right, and I knew all this already but I needed a decent slap around the head.

Thanks.

expatinscotland Fri 24-Oct-08 20:22:10

NO!

unless it's some celeb he knows i'll never meet. he knows Johnny Depp is my secret husband, for example.

otherwise, it's just, well, what NdP said.

bcsnowpea Fri 24-Oct-08 20:59:15

Hey hands off! Johnny Depp is MY secret husband!

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