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Help - feel physically sick - my mum has hurt me so badly.

(73 Posts)
rosyfour Thu 23-Oct-08 14:24:19

To give some history, I have a difficult relationship with my parents for many reasons, but feel very resentful towards my father who is an alcoholic and would rather drink than be with family, and I have struggled with depression and issues regarding self esteem. I have felt a lot of anger towards them both since the birth of my daughters - its been a bit of a double whammy as whilst coming to terms with the realisation that I want to be a very different type of parent I have been forced to accept their lack of interest and love for my children. They moved permenantly from Northumberland to Spain last August and things have been a lot worse since then, barely no contact but what there has been has take the form of angry emails and strained phonecalls.

I received a text message from my mum this morning which said (word for word) "Just to let you know your father died this morning". I tried to ring her straightaway but her phone just kept going on to answer, so I called my sister - who was completely shocked and knew nothing. We were both crying on the phone, and she said she was going to try our parents landline to find out more. I rang her back 10 minutes later and am told "Its not true - Dad is alive, she is just very very angry at you"

I have been physically sick 3 times today since then, a mixture of shock and anger I think. How could she do something so awful? I have been working through so much crap this last year since they left the UK, trying to come to terms with things and trying to get things to a point where we can communicate without anger and I have held out the olive branch so many times in terms of sending photos of the children and begging them just to talk to their grand-daughters on the phone and have a relationship with them. This is not the first thing that she has done to try to hurt me but it is certainly the most awful so far. I don't know if I will be able to get past this incident and forgive my mum. How can my own mother want to hurt me so badly? I have tried so hard to feel compassion for her and think how stressed she must be but I feel so devastated and that I want to cut them off from my life completely to stop them hurting me. Please help.

RubyShivers Thu 23-Oct-08 14:26:34

i think this may well signal the end of your relationship with her

it sounds like there is a lot of history

concentrate on you and your lovely family

OrmIrian Thu 23-Oct-08 14:28:07

Oh rosy sad. How terrible.

CountessDracula Thu 23-Oct-08 14:28:15

My god
she sounds insane
You poor thing

Honestly, what sort of mother would set out deliberately to hurt their child in this way?

You are better off without her

FimboGotAxed Thu 23-Oct-08 14:30:09

I think it's time to call it a day tbh.

Hope you are ok

Cheesesarnie Thu 23-Oct-08 14:30:13

bloody hell!
did your sister say why your mum was so angry?omg-im not suprised you feel physically sick.thats not agree this is end of relationship you cant risk her doing it to your dc.sad

NotQuiteCockney Thu 23-Oct-08 14:30:39

Jesus fucking christ. That's outrageous.

There's a toxic family group on here - I think the title has something to do with stately homes. I think you've earned your membership, several times over.

Rhubarb Thu 23-Oct-08 14:30:44

She needs to feel in control. She knew that by sending that text you'd be trying to get in touch and that your mind would be full of her. Some people get a kick out of knowing that other people are worried sick about them. My mother is the same, any crisis in the family she turns to her advantage. She will even create a crisis just so she can have a bit of attention for herself.

Do you and your children really need her in your lives? Do they need grandparents like that? Sometimes, to protect yourself and your family you need to let go. Your dds are the most important things in your life right now, you need to concentrate on them.

I would sever all communications with her. She will try this again and again as it seems she just can't bear to let you go. If she is not getting attention from you she'll make something up just to reel you in. Make a pact with your sister that if your mother has something to say, it goes through your sister first so that you know if it's real or not.

But you can do without this. You have your own life to lead and sadly, your mother will do all she can to prevent this.

I'm so sorry.

Carmenere Thu 23-Oct-08 14:31:00

Jeeze i would waste no time in deleting her number and allowing her no contact with her grandchildren. That is unforgivably cruel and there is no excuse for it. you would be well within your rights to never speak to her again. She sounds deranged, does she drink?

feelingbitbetter Thu 23-Oct-08 14:31:54

Is she mentally ill? shock
Cut them out, she sounds like absolute poison. Make your family your children. Give the enormous amounts of love and compassion you clearly have to them. It's wasted on your parents, it seems sad
I am sorry for you. I think that message was disgusting.

BrownSuga Thu 23-Oct-08 14:32:47

shock what a disgusting thing to do to you.

I have a strained relationship with my mother, which swings from 2years not talking to me if I dare disagree with her or tell her something she doesn't like, to a talking but not saying what I think one. I've decided no more. I send emails with photos only of my DS, no news of what we are doing and do not respond to any messages from her. She doesn't have my phone number or address so cannot contact us any other way.

It feels better this way. I can't make her be the mother she should be, or even a friend to me. I leave her to her life and get on with mine. It saves a lot of heartache.

UpJacobscreek Thu 23-Oct-08 14:33:12

What a fucking awful thing to do hope you are ok.
She sounds toxic ,you should look for the statley homes thread on here the may help you a lot .
Like the others have said I think it is time to call it a day .

Mung Thu 23-Oct-08 14:34:44

That is just awful. You poor thing. How could she do that to her own daughter? I just cannot understand it.

It seems that they are not worth it. What a horrid, horrid thing to do.

notnowbernard Thu 23-Oct-08 14:34:59

How awful for you sad

So sorry you've had the experiences you've had. Your parents both sound very damaged

There is an organisation called Al-anon which supports the relatives of those with alcohol dependency. Also helps with things like putting down boundaries and healthy separation (which sounds like is needed here) Might also help you come to terms with growing up with heavy drinking in the family and the effect that had on you

Look after yourself

Rhubarb Thu 23-Oct-08 14:36:57

If your sister knows about the text, what does she say?

No-one in your circle of family and friends would blame you if you stopped contact because of this. It's a step too far, it's shocking and to sever contact now would probably be considered the best thing to do.

rosyfour Thu 23-Oct-08 14:36:58

Thanks all so far, already feeling better just having written it down and seeing you all feel as shocked as I do.

She does drink Carmenere, not quite as much as my Dad but on a regular basis and it appears she can't do without it. I can imagine she has been drinking more than usual of late as according to my sister they have money worries and also I know that my grandad, her dad - has been very ill recently and in hospital.

EachPeachPearMum Thu 23-Oct-08 14:37:03

sad you poor poor thing.
Please- do not have any more contact with them- it will be a lot healthier for you.
Could you imagine ever doing the same to your dds? I think not.

oneplusone Thu 23-Oct-08 14:37:48

Follow your heart and your gut instinct which is telling you to cut your parents out of your life.

brimfull Thu 23-Oct-08 14:38:29

Your mother sounds mentally ill.

If I were you I would cut off all communication from her.Your dd's are better off without her.

You probably need some counselling to get over this relationship .

RantinEminor Thu 23-Oct-08 14:38:40

rosy - that's awful and exceptionally cruel.

No matter how angry she says she is that behaviour is unjustifiable. Why on earth would she want you to suffer like that? I can only think that she is very unhappy with her life as it is and is perhaps jealous that you have made a good life for yourself and are being a good mother to your kids and wants to hurt you.

It's twisted and I agree with others who say it's perhaps time to end contact with her - after all what is she actually adding to your life?

Pennies Thu 23-Oct-08 14:41:56

What does your sister think about it? What is her relationship like with them?

rosyfour Thu 23-Oct-08 14:43:05

My sister did not really say what she thought of it all, she only made excuses for my mum and said how stressed and upset she was. I did put her on the spot and say "Don't you think this is a bit OTT?" and she did not answer, just sort of stammered until I said , "OK maybe its not fair to ask you that". My sister and I are not very close and she has made no effort to mediate or try to help in anyway, I feel I would have wanted to do that for her if she had been the one who was having difficulties but maybe it is unfair of me to expect her to do the same.

bozza Thu 23-Oct-08 14:43:09

What does your sister say? I know your Mum's intention was to hurt you. But she obviously also hurt your sister in the process. Sounds like your Mum doesn't really worry about people caught in the crossfire, so to speak.

bozza Thu 23-Oct-08 14:43:51

Sorry x-post.

rosyfour Thu 23-Oct-08 14:47:12

Sisters relationship with them seems good, and in fact they have been back to the UK to visit her but have not even told us they were here. She lives about 200 miles away from us.

I think part of me was hoping that this wasn't the final straw - but I can see from everyones messages that nobody is going to suggest trying to repair things now and that it really is better to cut them off.

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