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Do you think a relationship can ever work if there has been so many problems but you are willing to work on it?

(29 Posts)
cantpickyourfamily Tue 21-Oct-08 18:54:18

Exp and I are not together at the moment, I do not know why but I feel like I am drawn back to him all the time and I really do not think we should be together. I am going to list all the reason why I think we should not be together:

There is a chance he could have cheated on me seceral times but he is willing to pay for a lie dectector test to prove he has never been unfaithful.

He has been violent a few times during our 5year relationship, but says it is due to the medication he takes for his illness. But he would go to councilling so we can both learn to communicate better as a couple.

He has alot of issues with my family so they do not always get on which causes problems between us.

Do you think with these problems we could ever be happy? We are in our early twenties and have been together for 5years. I just feel there is always this connection between us so it makes it difficult to end the relationship and not go back.

I can not explain it really but there is something like a spark or something that keeps pulling me back in.

If he did this lie dector test and it proved he has never cheated and then we had councilling do you think we could make it work?

Please be honest but not harsh as I am feeling really torn and upset. We speak on the phone constantly even tho we are not together and I feel so confused.

WideWebWitch Tue 21-Oct-08 18:58:02

"Do you think with these problems we could ever be happy?" - No. I don't.

He's been violent, unfaithful and doesn't get on with your family. You haven't said anything nice about him and the only way you'd believe him is a lie detector test.

Read that back and ask yourself what advice you'd give someone in this postion.

pinkspook Tue 21-Oct-08 18:59:32

A couple of things strike me - the violence is ringing alarm bells - when you say violence what exactly do you mean?

What are the issues he has with your family?

Difficult to comment without this further info

cantpickyourfamily Tue 21-Oct-08 19:07:32

when I say violent he has not beaten me up but has pushed me and grabbed me and been aggressive.

Re: my family, he is mixed race and they are quite racist and have never fully accepted him but do get along with him. But I feel they do not really like him and he feels that way to.

cantpickyourfamily Tue 21-Oct-08 19:08:50

There are nice things about him but I am looking at the negatives at the moment as they are what is keeping up apart.

TheArmadillo Tue 21-Oct-08 19:13:50

If you need a lie detector test to prove that he has been faithful (they are not 100% reliable btw - only about 60-70% I think), then the relationship isn't worth continuing with. It also doesn't prove that he won't be unfaithful in the future.

If he has been violent, then the relationship is not worth continuing with.

I would go to councelling BY YOURSELF and boost your self-esteem enough not to go back to him.

cantpickyourfamily Tue 21-Oct-08 19:28:14

I have just started going to councelling.

A big part of me does believe he has been faithful, he has admitted to flirting with girls and texting them, but said he has never slept with anyone. He has an ilness and his medication has know side affects or making people angry and depressed. And he said he was depressed and trying to come to terms with his illness when he was speaking to these girls.

I know this relationship seems like there is no point to it and I should move on, I really think I should but I am finding it very difficult.

We have got our dd together so it is not the case that I can completely stop all contact.

How can I stay strong enought to stay away from him?

God I feel like such a saddo...

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 22-Oct-08 07:23:18

cantpickyourfamily,

Love should not be such hard work honestly and you yourself write that you should not be together. Heed those words of yours. Don't let him act like a svengali.

You will never be happy together, the happiness that you want (dare I say crave) will not happen with him. And he will also make your daughter unhappy as well. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents - what would you two teach your daughter if the two of you got back together?. Violence and argument - you honestly do not want to leave her that legacy.

You cannot save someone who ultimately does not want to be saved. It sounds like you want to rescue and or save him - your love will be enough to change him for better. The short answer to that is NO. Forget any idea of rescuing him, this approach is doomed to failure.

You should work on your own self instead and determine exactly what attracted you to him in the first place (you were very young when you met and you both had little life experience). You may also have been in a bad place too at that time and thus became codependent on each other for your respective happiness. Also not healthy.

You should be aware as well that lie detector tests are not performed if there has been any violence within the relationship. He is using the medication as an excuse to be violent. Anger management as well is not helpful for violent partners or people who have been violent.

Better to make a nice life for you and your DD without him in it daily. You are a parent, you do not need this manchild to look after as well.

I would certainly look at supervised access as well with regards to him seeing your daughter; legal means are far better here than informal verbal agreements which can get too easily broken.

warthog Wed 22-Oct-08 09:26:11

no. you don't trust him.

warthog Wed 22-Oct-08 09:26:57

and i read somewhere that lie detector tests are actually only about 60% reliable.

Squitten Wed 22-Oct-08 12:04:10

You said yourself, right at the start, that you do not think that you should be together so you have already answered your own question.

You know that he is not good for you and you must know that you deserve better for yourself. I think the reason that you keep being drawn back to him is because you have been with him for a very long time, have a child together, and it would be a big adjustment to move on to something totally new.

Stick with your counseling and you will find a way past this

newgirl Wed 22-Oct-08 12:11:12

it doesnt sound great does it?

i understand that you want to be together for the sake of your child but none of us should have to settle for this kind of relationship

lie test or not you dont trust him anymore - i dont think even texting other girls is great behaviour to be honest

build on your self esteem, and try to say calm, good friends who can raise your child together - as friends

cantpickyourfamily Wed 22-Oct-08 18:12:06

Attilia - I agree with you esp the bit about dd, as that was the main reason I broke up with him as did not want dd to be brought up with violence.

I really do want to move on with out him but I am finding it difficult, I do not know why as I can give so many reason for not wanting to be with him.

cantpickyourfamily Wed 22-Oct-08 18:14:14

Squitten - I do know he is not good for me but een before dd was born I kept getting back to him when I thought we should be apart and with dd around I will never have a clean break from him.

cantpickyourfamily Wed 22-Oct-08 18:16:07

newgirl - you are right texting was bad enough and even if I found out he had not slept with anyone I would still not fully trust him as he went behind my back to flirt with other girls.

dittany Wed 22-Oct-08 18:20:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newgirl Wed 22-Oct-08 20:18:11

i think you sound kind and loving and you care for him - the tricky thing is that perhaps he has had enough of your time now and you may be happier without him - only you know that - he should be a caring partner to you, not another child to care for or worry about

cantpickyourfamily Wed 22-Oct-08 21:28:49

dittany - you are right he is, and he is constantly on the phone and saying should we do this as a family etc.

Today we have not spoke much and I feel better. TBH I do not even mind being without him but I think when he is constantly on the phone I feel like I am about to cave in and that is proably what he is waiting for.

I think my problem is that I do not have many close friends and my family are not the most supportive as all have their own issues. I have tried going to baby groups etc but never really meet people that I want to be friends with and feel I need some new friends that are living a similar life to me with a young child.

cantpickyourfamily Wed 22-Oct-08 21:30:06

newgirl - I think he hadenough of my time along time ago and really does not deserve any more of it.

lel1 Thu 23-Oct-08 13:34:55

to cantpickyourfamily

Am in same position as you, I have been with my bf for 11 years now! and even though I know I'l never have the relationship that I need from someone like him I keep going back, probably because he keeps saying all the right things, he does have the gift of the gab.

He has been unfaitful and is crap when it comes to committment but he says he wants to make things work and I end up feeling obliged to give things another go, its crazy I know.

Had my first counselling session last night (without him, he was meant to be coming, but didn't- long story) and today I feel really good about myself because I am focusing on me and not him, I just hope it lasts and that he stays away from me. Sometimes as women we focus on other people too much, I think I do, but I do know other women that you won't see for dust once they find out their partner has cheated, wish I was like that. So maybe give counselling a go, I'm hoping mine will teach me stratergies for being able to say no to him in the future.

dittany Thu 23-Oct-08 13:40:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newgirl Thu 23-Oct-08 14:33:11

i think we/ a lot of women have a fairy tale image of what love and marriage should be like and keep a partner because they think they should whatever the harsh reality of a situation

its very brave to walk away but not easy good luck x

cantpickyourfamily Thu 23-Oct-08 19:23:45

lel1 - how long have you been broke up this time?

Exp also has the gift of the gab but at the moment I am looking at him in a different light and feel he is stupid and annoying. I feel like he wears me down untill I get back with him. I am normally such a strong person and no one would ever believe I would let someone get to me the way he does.

Today I am really feeling like I don't want to be back with him, I really think it helps if I don't speak to him.

cantpickyourfamily Thu 23-Oct-08 19:29:05

dittany - I do keep trying not to speak to him but he finds excuses and is constantly saying I need to talk to you about this re dd, then turns the conversation to something completely different about him or his life.

And he had dd today and I went to collect her after and he was saying something about if he gets ill and goes to hospital then I have to go and look after him. I said no I don't and it is unfair for you to rely on me. Then he said we are a family blah blah blah. He just does not get it that I don't want him...

PlasterofParis Thu 23-Oct-08 23:00:38

Hiya, no intro yet, [newbie]. I can feel for much of this post. My P has been loving and caring, but has been unfaithfull, it is eating me up and diff to know where to turn. trying to make a go of it but i am not sure if i feel that the true begining's are still there.. can empathise with the thread but am lost. hugs to all

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