I work in an almost entirely male environment and have no female friends so am turning to this in the hope that I'll find some adveice here. I am engaged to a man who is caring, loving and with whom I share many interests. We have a similar outlook on life, want the same things and have lived together now (joint mortgage) for over 2 years without any problems. However... I am worried that there isn't sufficient in our relationship to keep me involved for the rest of my life. Physically I have never been strongly attracted to him, although he is to me. Our jobs both take us away a considerable amount of the time, and neither of us would want a change in career. While apart I miss him only in a fairly mild sense, and sometimes dread seeing him again as his delight in seeing me is far more than mine. After a couple of days I tend to settle back into the relationship but there is always a period of adjustment for me, although not for him. Professionally I am probably more successful, and am in general probably the more accomplished one at everything we do, which I find frustrating - I would love there to be something at which he excels and for which I admire him but I tend to take the lead in most things. I do feel that I rely on him emotionally, but I'm becoming increasingly aware that I'm entirely capable of succeeding on my own.
An added complication has arisen recently; a long standing close male friend of mine has become rather closer. Although we are strongly attracted to each other we have very deliberately stopped short of a sexual relationship on moral grounds as well as on the grounds that it is unlikely to help my main relationship. He knows all the difficulties I'm facing and has been a sympathetic ear as well as someone whose company I enjoy and with whom I have always had a lot of fun. I regard him as my best friend, but increasingly I'm becoming aware that he holds my interest in a way that my partner doesn't. I don't see it as a question of leaving my current relationship and walking into one with him - we've discussed the possibility, bizarrely, and concluded that it would be unlikely to work for a variety of reasons - but the fact that, before even marrying, I'm strongly attracted to someone other than my partner gives me cause for concern.
However, I'm in my 30s and rather feel that, given the lack of opportunities for meeting men in my job, this could be my last chance if I want children (although that would be tricky with our careers...) and while my fiance doesn't excite me he's unlikely ever to hurt me. We live together in a house that neither of us could afford to buy the other one out of, and selling in the current climate is not an option. The idea of hurting him breaks my heart, but I view marriage as a life commitment and don't want to get it wrong. On the other hand I am slightly afraid of ending up old and alone because I can't commit. I suffer from mild depression, although I have always been able to control it, and am afraid of triggering it by breaking the status quo. The thought of selling our house fills me with particular fear as I have been rootless for much of my life and hugely value having a stable home. I suppose that my real question is: are stability and security in a relationship enough to get me through the rest of my life without excitement being there as well?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Do I marry him? (Long post - sorry)
WeatherWitch · 21/10/2008 16:07
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