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Giving it another go, how the hell do you decide whether it's the right thing to do?

(21 Posts)
TimeToAct Sun 19-Oct-08 23:03:43

Have namechanged for this and apologies for being vague with my personal details but so scared of being identified.

Been married to my DH for many years and have had a largest family together. The majority of our married life I have been happy. My DH is a good husband and father, a good provider and the most honest person I know.
We are very different people so throughout our marriage we have rarely done 'couple' things - I like to go out with my friends and him with his. In nearly 20 years of marriage I can only think of 5 occasions where we have gone out with mutual friends. He never wanted to have friends over or go out as a couple often. My friends and family say he is boring, which I suppose he is but boring is safe and reassuring.

Four months ago I was in a really bad place, really low, things weren't going well at work and DH very involved in his hobby and despite virtually begging him for attention, he said he needed his hobby as an escape for his very stressful job.

Out of boredom and curiousity I joined a chat site and felt really lifted by the attention i received. I started chatting to a guy my age who was separated and we really hit it off. We chatted online for hours every day and eventually texted and phoned too. I quickly realised I had fallen for this guy in a big way and he said he felt the same way.
A month after we 'met' he phoned to tell me that his wife and him were giving it another go. I was devastated but wished him all the best and agreed not to contact him again.
Within days he had texted me to sat that he couldn't get me out of his mind and didn't know if he even wanted to be with his wife anymore.
He asked me if I would leave my DH but I said that I wouldn't. On reflection, I think this was fear of the unknown, loss of security etc rather than anything else as I have never felt this way about anyone in my life the way I feel about this guy.

We continued to chat online, text and phone but I was reluctant to meet as I felt I had to come clean to my DH first ( the guilt was totally consuming).

Two weeks ago my DH found texts from this guy on my phone and was totally destroyed. The nature of the texts made it completely clear exactly the depth of our feelings and the nature of our relationship. My DH left me and our DC there and then.

My OM wanted to come clean to his wife once I told him what had happened but I asked him not to for the time being.

I was numb and sad when my DH left but relieved aswell that everything was out in the open. Two weeks down the line I feel so liberated,am coping fine and feel more happy and relaxed than I have in years - that's not normal is it?

My Dh told me immediately that he would divorce me and while it was a shock, I feel ok with everything.I see DH daily as he comes to see the children and has already started divorce proceedings.

I the last two weeks this guy and I have met up 5 or 6 times and I am even more sure about him now. He has been at the end of the phone day and night and wants us to be together eventually.

Last night my DH came over to talk for the first time since he discovered the texts and he surprised me by saying that he wants us to give it another go. I really don't know what to do. I don't think I could give this guy up but realise I would have to if we got back together.
If we did get back together, I think it would be for the wrong reasons, like because I am not wanting to be on my own with the DC, financial reasons etc.

Do I deserve my DH back when I was unfaithful so easily and felt so little (apart from guilt) when he left,or does this mean it's best we separate?

Apologies for this being so long and dis-jointed but it has really helped posting

solidgoldskullonastick Sun 19-Oct-08 23:08:56

If you think that your new man is your 'soulmate' (which is a myth BTW anyone available and attractive will do when a person is ripe to pairbond) then why would you be contemplating going back to your DH?
YOur DH sounds like a good co-parent but if you don't want to be in a couple relationship with him then there is no point in trying to pretend one. Stick to being co parents.

GrinningGorilla Sun 19-Oct-08 23:09:39

If you do get back with your DH you have to expect a really bumpy emotional ride. TBH if you are not totally sure that's what you want and are not going to give 100% to making him feel okay about it all then don't get back together. Whatever the reasons you had the affair and you would have to work really hard to gain his trust back and it may take years. Maybe have some time without a man in your life - tell both of the men in your life that you need space to decide what you want and then go from there.

TimeToAct Sun 19-Oct-08 23:20:25

Yes GG that is what I thought too but I can't get my head around the fact that I could let my DH go so easily but am truly gutted at the thought of finishing things with new man.

I know it would be so selfish of me to take DH back for my convenience and security when he loves me so much as to forgive me.

DivaSkyChick Mon 20-Oct-08 03:12:56

Does he love you so much he's willing to forgive you? Or does he just want the comfort of a known relationship, mother of his children, no economic stress of a divorce, that sort of thing?

Did you share passion for each other at some point? Anytime recently? Could you share his bed again?

Remember the other guy is a whole of grass is greener - for both of you. You probably shouldn't jump into a new relationship right away, even if he's truly great.

Would your husband consider a co-parenting live in relationship? Is that similar to what you had anyway?

Just some thoughts, hope you're okay.

TimeToAct Mon 20-Oct-08 07:38:57

Thanks all for your replies xx

Diva - yes he loves me so much that he is prepared to forgive but all the other things you mentioned probably come in to it too. He is totally ruled by money and realises that me moving out of the house is out of the question because of the children, which would leave him living with his parents. I have offered to do so but financially we would be no better off then either.

Yes we still made love regulary until we split. But not sure if I would want to do so again. Having said that though I made love with him for years when I didn't want too and learned to detatch myself.

I don't want another full time relationship at the moment and am prepared to take the chance of losing OM if I tell him so.

DH wouldn't consider 'living together seperately' as this is what I want and he is adament he wouldn't be able to do this s his feelings for me are too strong.

Kally Mon 20-Oct-08 08:26:54

Probably your relationship was at its stalest, you looked for someone (subconciously) and got the other man. I alway vouch that if there is a dark empty space in a marriage, it will eventually fill up with something due to 'need'.

Being a single parent now after a 26 year marriage that ended in divorce, I can say, looking back that I always wanted to be 'alone' with myself and manage my own life/kids/finances... My ex and myself created dark empty spaces.

I think you have to decide whether you want to destroy the marriages, or whether you need time to be by yourself (which I reckon is the most important in order to gain perspective). Diving into another man (who you really don't know yet, be honest)isn't the answer. It is not because of the other man your marriage got into this state but it ended because there was this black hole all along.

Your DH is being forgiving, ok, but is that what you want? Sounds to me like the real reason is that it wasn't a compatible set up anyway if he left you alone all the time. For you, anyway. For some this would work, but not for you.

What you say about making love to him for years and not wanting too is enough for me to conclude this.

BecauseImAWitch Mon 20-Oct-08 08:33:40

I have never been in your position, but from everything you have written I would say that you risk throwing away something immensely valuable for the sake of a fling. As DivaSkyChick says, the new man is very much 'grass is greener', and the start of a new relationship is always very different to what takes place 20 years down the line. And it is very easy to be bored with a relationship 20 years down the line!

But you also have children (a lot it would seem, although you haven't said how many) and it struck me how little you seem to be considering their feelings in all this.

I would suggest that you go to Relate and use the counselling process to explore your relationship - separate the financial stuff from all this - and ask them to help you decide what kind of relationship you can both enjoy in the future. It may be that the end result is separation, but it sounds like there are a lot of issues that you need to talk to each other about here.

solidgoldskullonastick Mon 20-Oct-08 12:58:33

I think if you get back with a man who considers himself so in love with you that he will put up with anything, when you are taking a more pragmatic approach, is a bad idea. You will end up disgusted by him (for some reason it becomes progressively easier to despise someone for desiring you when you are not attracted to them) and he will end up hating you. It is far better to make a break as amicable as possible.

DivaSkyChick Mon 20-Oct-08 14:09:12

solid, philosophically I'm with you. Witch, I pragmatically I'm with you.

The kids have got to have some bearing here. I imagine everyone is bored at 20 years, I do. But boredom (or excitement!)cannot be a good enough reason to hurt your kids. Children from broken homes suffer consequences.

How old are they, TimetoAct?

solidgoldskullonastick Mon 20-Oct-08 14:17:47

DSC: children whose parents separate are not always worse off than children whose parents live together. LIving in a home rancid with unrequited love, contempt and sexual frustration is pretty miserable for children: they won't understand the vibes but they will pick up that their parents are bitter and miserable and despise each other.

TimeToAct Mon 20-Oct-08 16:57:56

Hi there, just in from work and will try to and answer your questions.

Firstly I haven't mentioned details of he children because i have more than average from preschool to teenaged and don't want to be identified.
On discussing this with the children yesterday - 3 of them didn't want their dad to come home and another didn't know. We are all noticing the calm since he left.
I totally agree with solidgoldskullonastick that children are not always better off with two parents.

Kally - I agree with everything you say. I do not want another full time relationship yet and know that i may risk losing new man if i admit to him that i would be happy to meet up once or twice a month with just texts, emails and phone calls in between.

BecauseI'mAWitch - If I'm honest I have always been bored in this relationship but have filled my life with friends and activites and clubs for the children and was fairly happy with my lot when I compared my life with that of friends with less reliable husbands, money worries etc.
I actually don't think that the grass is greener with this new guy because I am realistic enough to know that he is unlikely to have thought through the implications of taking on me and the kids properly. I just know that he makes me happier than I have ever been.

bubblagirl Mon 20-Oct-08 17:26:46

its not your dc choice and i dont think you should ask them and involve them in that way

if you are happy and not in love with dh then i wouldnt even consider taking him back it would be unfair on you both

you have finally found the strength to move yourself on from years of detatched sex as you say

whether this guy would be long term or not its exciting for you and obviously what you need right now

so no your dh deserves to find someone who can love him back and you deserve to move on if been so unhappy

but you make the choices dont get your dc involved in the decision even thopugh it may make you feel less guilty to have others on your side its not down to them it down to you

and i think you pretty much have indicated you dont wan thim back allow yourseves to be happy its not fair on him or you or children

keep there relationship good with him and keep them out of the persoanl side of things and i hope you can make the right choice for all of you you sound a million times more free and happy now and he too in time will have the same feeling

bubblagirl Mon 20-Oct-08 17:29:32

im not meaning that your making the children involve din case i wrote that souding wrong just keep them out of it as much as possible but inform them on your choices as it could affect ther erelationship with him other wise

bubblagirl Mon 20-Oct-08 17:29:53

sorry for typos im truly rubbish lol

honestfriend Mon 20-Oct-08 17:34:53

I have never got as far down the line but I have had a couple of emotional flings.

Similarly, I have been married for 20+ years and find my DH stable, dependable, loving, but boring and we share little. I no longer fancy him.

I can really feel for you.

I don't know what the answer is. Hindsight is wonderful- maybe you could have tried to make more of your marriage before joining a chat site.

You are making a very big decision based on 6 meetings. your head should tell you to slow down!

The main questions are- do you love your husband? Could you see yourself with him for another 35 years? If this new man was not around at all, would you still opt for a life on your own without your DH? Could you support yourself?

How sure are you of the new man? What if his wife begs him to come back? Would he go?

If you c an answer these, then you might have more of an idea what to do.

CrushWithEyeliner Mon 20-Oct-08 17:40:52

I suspect the younger one of your children was the one that didn't know if he/she wanted your H to come back..

I am sorry but I am very hmm at how you are handling this with your DC from what you say on here TTA. I don't know what you should do but I think they should come first and foremost in your decision process, they may be saying what they think their Mum wants to hear. (I say this from bitter experience). I also think this other man is a bit of a fantasy - maybe the catalyst to your move away from your H, but not really your next life partner for now.

I would deal with the fallout from the separation first, look after your DC and not even think about making another serious relationship as yet, if he is for real he will wait.

honestfriend Mon 20-Oct-08 17:49:48

posts crossed with eyeliner-
I don't think this is the sort of conversation you should be having with your children. They are too young, and it is YOUR marriage- not theirs. They are not the ones to decide if daddy should come back- and putting them under that pressure is making them feel potentially disloyal to one or the other of you.

It will be bad enough for them to cope with the outcome, without feeling their decisions were what caused it- whether he stays or goes!

Tell them when YOU have decided- and don't pass the buck onto your kids.

frekkles Mon 20-Oct-08 17:50:42

if you are talking to your children about this, then i think it's definately happening. the meeting of minds you've had with this new man has awakened you to what you've been missing and i think you've decided that you can't go without it now,

really think you should be on your own for a time though, you've alot to think through and sort out. you need to handle this with caution, care and kindness to all involved.

if the new man on the scene loves you and it's a relationship that is meant to be, then he will understand that he needs to wait for you to get your head round the end of a marriage. if he doesn't, then it wasn't as special as it feels just now, albeit an amazingly special meeting that helped you reach an important realisation in your life.

good luck x

TimeToAct Wed 22-Oct-08 07:13:32

Thank-you for all your imput xx

I should have explained that the reason I spoke to my DC was because when my DH found the texts on my phone he became violent towards me, was arrested and charged so consequently our local domestic violence support team became involved and wanted to speak to the children and their schools. So it was a general conversation about what had happened and what might happen in the future.

If I didn't have the OM I would still be undecided as to whether to take my DH back. I am very strong and capable of doing this alone if that is the choice I make. Moneywise I feel of too - I have never been materialistic.

I agree it would be unfair to take DH back if I don't really love him because he deserves to be free to meet someone who loves him te way he loves me.

Honestfriend _ something you said has, i think just made my mind up for me. You said I should have worked harder at my marriage before I joined a chat site and sitting here thinking about it I realise I have no desire to 'work' at it. It is like the fog has cleared - all the holidays I have been unable to face because of the thought of spending time with him bored rigid, the evenings out together that I feel were wasted because I had so many other things to do at home/with friends to spend an evening trying to make conversation when there was none. The thought of spending any more time together on this basis is unbearable.

Time to move on I think, for me and DC with or without OM

honestfriend Wed 22-Oct-08 13:41:34

Had I known your H had been violent, I would have said leave. Full stop.

I wonder if you have always been bored and incompatible- or if this has evolved over the years. There must have been something there to keep you going, and to have all those DCs between you.

I hear absolutely what you say- but I always think it takes two people to create boredom, in the same way that it takes two to have a conversation. Have you really tried to reach him or he you? Is he just not bothered?

Anyway, you have made up your mind and now I know he was violent, i think you are doing the right thing.

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