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Should I be upset that he wont marry me?

(104 Posts)
ChezzaB Sun 19-Oct-08 22:40:34

Hi This may seem like a strange one but humour me please.... my dp and I have a 7mo ds who has my dp's surname, am I stupid for caring that me and my son have different names? I know I can change my name egally but I relly wanted to have the special day but dp is totally against it! I did know this from the beginning but my feelings have changed now we have a child! Am I just being stupid?Now whenever I mention it I get accused of nagging, should I just give up and deal with the fact that I'll never get the fairytale wedding I desire?!

BecauseImAWitch Sun 19-Oct-08 22:42:02

Do you want to be married, or do you want the wedding day? They are very different things!

seeker Sun 19-Oct-08 22:44:46

Why has your ds got your dp's surname?

Dropdeadfred Sun 19-Oct-08 22:47:06

perhaps if you explained the reasons your DP is against marriage we could advise?

umberellascankill Sun 19-Oct-08 22:52:49

dd has my dp's surname, it does make me feel a bit hmm because we aren't going to get married either (even if he DID ever get round to asking!), so i know what you mean OP.

mabanana Sun 19-Oct-08 22:54:04

Change your name by deed poll to your son's name! And no, I don't think you are unreasonable.

wonderstuff Sun 19-Oct-08 22:56:07

YANBU, why is DP so against getting married

seeker Sun 19-Oct-08 22:56:48

No, change your ds's name by deep poll to yours!

dittany Sun 19-Oct-08 22:59:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mabanana Sun 19-Oct-08 23:01:13

You can't just do that Dittany. It's illegal. YOu have to go to court, and the OP won't be allowed to as they still live together and the dad isn't a convicted paedophile or anything.

GrinningGorilla Sun 19-Oct-08 23:02:57

Does he never want to get married or just not want to get married now? If you have an issue with having a different name, then change your name to your son's.

solidgoldskullonastick Sun 19-Oct-08 23:02:58

I have encountered quite a few families where the parents are not married and the DSs take the father's surname and the DDs takte the mother's.

YAN necessarily BU to want to marry your partner: it depends what his reasons are for not wanting to marry. Refusing to marry is not necessarily a sign that he is planning to dump you and shag the barmaid in the local or anytthing.

seeker Sun 19-Oct-08 23:05:17

Are you sure, Mabanana? I thought you could use whatever surname you liked unless you were doing it for criminal intent. But I could very well be wrong.

Still can't understand why so many people give their dcs their dp's last name. It baffles me completely!

mabanana Sun 19-Oct-08 23:07:19

Yes, you can use whatever name you like, but you can't change your child's surname from their father's - once it is on the birth cert - unless he consents.

umberellascankill Sun 19-Oct-08 23:08:21

i wish i hadn't, lol!

mumoverseas Mon 20-Oct-08 05:24:27

Mabanana is correct, as OP's DP is named on the birth certificate and has parental responsibility then she would need his consent to change their DS's surname and we have to assume he would not consent.
Chezza, has your DP been married before? is this perhaps why he is anti-marriage? I've found that divorced men sometimes have strong feelings about marrying again, particularly if they got a rough deal in their divorce. Maybe if you give it time and don't mention it for a while he may slowly come round. Good luck to you

seeker Mon 20-Oct-08 05:36:16

Can I ask why you gave him your dps surname in the first place?

mumoverseas Mon 20-Oct-08 05:42:28

possibly because she thought he'd marry her soon after baby born?

mooog Mon 20-Oct-08 05:44:39

Chezza how long have you been with dp, and does he actually give you a reason for not wanting to marry.

dittany Mon 20-Oct-08 09:19:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mabanana Mon 20-Oct-08 10:06:35

why shock?

LittleMyDancingWithTheDevil Mon 20-Oct-08 10:15:23

DP and I aren't married, and DS has DPs surname for the simple reason that it's four letters and easy to spell, whereas mine is a nightmare. I'm soooooooooooooooo tired of spelling it out on the telephone to people who invariably still get it wrong, I didn't want to put DS through that.

We have no plans to get married, but consider ourselves pretty much married (together ten years) just not interested in the ceremony part.

When DS is older he can add my surname into his name if he wants to.

wannaBe Mon 20-Oct-08 10:18:17

it always baffles me that there are people who are committed enough to each other to have a child together, but not committed enough to get married. hmm surely the child is the bigger commitment?

It would bother me if my dh hadn't wanted to marry me.

Also, does your dh realize the implications of not being married to you? For instance if either of you were in a car accident you will not be next of kin and it will be your/his family who are the ones making decisions about your/his treatment and care. If one of you dies then again the other is not next of kin and will be unable to even register the death or arrange the funeral. And if you don't have a will then your/his assets ie house/money will go to your respective families. etc.

motherinferior Mon 20-Oct-08 10:25:50

Well, WannaBe, lots of things baffle me. Like women who change their own names. And indeed, the custom of giving a child its father's surname. I'm reliably informed lots of quite sane people do it.

I don't want to get married either, despite my partner's repeated suggestions we do so.

Monkeyblue Mon 20-Oct-08 10:29:06

wannabe is right re commitent
I can see why you would want the same name as DS

How would he feel if DS had your name???

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