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Advice for my male friend

(66 Posts)
GhostlySinCity Sat 18-Oct-08 15:14:05

My friend is 32 and has just started dating a woman he met online. Apparantly she kept putting off inviting him back to her house but anyway he's finally been.

He's a bit put off. He said the house was a bit of a mess. She's a single parent of two boys but he said it wasn't really the kids that made the mess. The bathroom side was full of half empty bottles of bubble bath and shampoo and he said the tiles on the bathroom floor were broken and she had no toilet roll holder or anything.

The living room wallpaper was ripped in parts and had marks on it, the laminate flooring hadn't been laid properly and had big gaps near the doors and the kitchen cupboards were either hanging off or wouldn't shut properly.

He said the back garden was also a complete tip with weeds and huge bushes everywhere.

The carpet in her hallway was too small, ragged around the edges and quite dirty, as were the walls in the hallway.

Anyway back to the point, I said he should perhaps ignore the house and concentrate on who she is as a person but he says a persons house is a big reflection of who they are.

I thought I'd put it to you, with his knowledge (so he'll be reading any replies).

MrsMattie Sat 18-Oct-08 15:16:14

If he likes her, maybe he could offer to do a bit of handman-ing around the place for her?

Seriously - this stuff either bothers you or it doesn't. If he is marking down the X's against her name and judging her on her wallpaper already, maybe he should just leave it and find someone who meets his high standards.

dittany Sat 18-Oct-08 15:17:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Uriel Sat 18-Oct-08 15:18:02

Perhaps she doesn't have the time and money to devote to the house that she would like to.

He should get to know her better before condemning her. Is his house perfect?

I have no toilet roll holder. shock

Kaplumbagadort Sat 18-Oct-08 15:19:50

As a single Mum who isn't great at DIY i would say maybe she needs help with these jobs? I don't think the house reflects her and he is being a bit critical.

BBeingpatient Sat 18-Oct-08 15:20:08

i take it your friend has no children? perhaps she4 finds parenting the children more time consuming than he would expect and therefore has no time to put into renovating her house, perhaps she also doesnt have the funds. I fhe is as concerned about materialistic things like this as he seems he should probably find someone else, because if that were me and i liked the person id want to help not bitch to my friends about it!

ilove Sat 18-Oct-08 15:20:46

erm...well he sounds like he is being a bit of a twat actually. Does he have children? He might want to realise that THEY MAKE A MESS!

Is she happy? Friendly? Clean? Does he expect her to throw away a bottle of bubble bath in case he comes around once she has opened it? I don't have loo roll holders in erm...two of my bathrooms despite living here for 4 years because I haven't found ones I like yet. My laminate in the office (professionally fitted - ha!) has gaps and the edging is shite. I had a stained carpet for ages because with small children it wasn't worth the expense and stress of trying to keep a new one immaculate.

And finally...I'm SHIT at DIY and I haven't/hadn't the cash to pay anyone else to do it for me! Same with the garden...once it got into that state in the council house I was in, it was an insurmountable task to start until someone came along with a heavy-duty petrol strimmer and started it for me.

Tell HER she deserves better than a sanctimonious, stuck-up twat who thinks more of a well fitting carpet than he does of a lady who is doing her best!

honestfriend Sat 18-Oct-08 15:21:54

I think our homes do reflect who we are- you don't have to have money to at least keep it clean and tidy-ish.
If I were to advise him, I'd say he should back off and leave it.

I always clean and tidy up before ANYONE comes across my doorstep,let alone a bloke I was hoping to date, so she obviously doesn't think the state of her house matters at all.

Different values- none starter imo.

Uriel Sat 18-Oct-08 15:22:24

And the carpet on the stairs has holes! shock

beanieb Sat 18-Oct-08 15:23:00

I think if this is all he can really tell you about the date (ratehr than what she is like as a person) then he's too anal for her and should call it a day. I lived with someone who saw my inability to 'keep house' as wrong. If she's just messy rather than unhygenic then he's just being picky and perhaps should find other women to date - ones who clean their skirting boards and know what all the nozzles on teh hoover are for. I'm sure he's a lovely guy but perhaps he needs someone more like him to go out with.

Lazycow Sat 18-Oct-08 15:26:01

Well a single parent is usually very short on time and quite often on money.

Frankly I think if your friend doesn't understand that he has no chance of understanding the impact children have on a relationship. The things he seems to be complaining about are less about mess than general shabbiness. This sort of thing really is about money and/or time. In our flat our kitvhen is a mess with cupboard doors hanging off, we can't afford a new kitchen and every time we fix one door another falls off so it gets very discouraging so for the moment it stays like that. I agree that if things like this are putting him off now he probably isn't that interested in her as a person.

flourybaps Sat 18-Oct-08 15:26:08

well said ilove.

Its obviously not going too happen, she is a single mum fgs she has got enough on her plate without someone she has just met judging the state of her walls....... geez... its obviously a non starter as far as im concerned.

If he fancied the arse off her and they got on well why the hell is he worried about her carpet etc?

honestfriend Sat 18-Oct-08 15:26:39

ilove- the OP made the point that it wasn't kids' mess around the place- and that some parts o f the house were dirty- not just untidy.
I don't think that wanting a woman who takes pride in her home and garden and wants to make it look as nice as she can is wrong at all.
If I went into a bloke's house that was like that, it would put me right off.

Just for the record- my brother inter net dates and usually spends days cleaning his house before a new woman visits, as he knows that appearances do matter to most folks.

witcheseve Sat 18-Oct-08 15:30:30

God after reading the OP I started to believe he had been to my house. Single mum's don't always have the time or money to keep a house in immaculate order. I always make sure it is clean and tidy though.

I think he should let her find someone nicer tbh.

MrsMattie Sat 18-Oct-08 15:30:54

Appearances matter to some, not ^all@honestfriend.

I rarely if ever judge people by their homes. I'm not interested in whether you like housework or can afford a cleaner or whatever.

Bottom line - if he noticed her skirting boards but not what a great arse she had or how witty she was...forget it now.

ilove Sat 18-Oct-08 15:32:28

See, I can go out and the house be immaculate...yet when I come back it looks like a bomb has dropped! Carpets can be clean and vaccumed yet stained from whatever...feet, oil, spilled bubble bath etc. Cracked tiles for me would be an impossibility to replace without a man-who-can, and I often use a different bubble bath or oil depending on the mood I'm in...or the state of my (rapidly vanishing) hair, so there ARE different bottles open and half used all the time.

My whole house is painted magnolia thanks to Barratts, and all up the stairs and around the light switches and by the doors there are fingermarks. And yes, every few months I repaint but it doesn't stay pristine for long!

HRHSaintMamazon Sat 18-Oct-08 15:33:38

I hope he doesn't bother replying to my profile.

how dare he come back from a date and then slag her off to you.
I have no toilet roll holder either Uriel..must be why im still single hmm

dittany Sat 18-Oct-08 15:35:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOfFun Sat 18-Oct-08 15:35:58

I agree with ilove and flourybaps. My house is a pigsty frankly - partly because my dd2 destroys things due to her autism, throws food etc., which sometimes lingers in a murky corner or under something for A Long Time, partly because my "helpful" brother has half-started DIY jobs for me and left them all unfinished angry, and partly because I am a bit lax anyway. My view is that people come to see me, not my house, so they can just lump it frankly.

Apart from he social worker visiting next week to review the support arrangement for dd2...Maybe I should try to tidy up for her. Feck it - she should see it's bloody hard to get anything done, maybe she can organise someone to come and finish all this bleedin DIY! I feel a thread coming on...

honestfriend Sat 18-Oct-08 15:37:25

well u see, i love, i'd be round with my Cif cleaning off all the grubby marks by the light switches cos I just hate muck! and my house is white from top to bottom and I have 2 DCs- maybe it's cos I was brought up in the north- cleanliness is next to Godliness there.

BitOfFun Sat 18-Oct-08 15:38:39

Last time I checked so was I, doesn't seem to have rubbed off on me...<<goes off to scrub doorstep or something - NOT>>

ilove Sat 18-Oct-08 15:40:20

LOL HF, I'm a Yorkshire girl and VERY front room is a child-free zone and is still immaculate, and I do wash the walls down...but the damn emulsion comes off on the cloth! I polish the light switches tho because the buggers are chrome

GhostlySinCity Sat 18-Oct-08 15:41:21

Ok so the general opinion is that she's a messy sod and he's right to be put off then? grin just kidding.

I did kind of give out the wrong impression though, he told me loads about her and how well the date had gone before that. How much they had in common etc but he said he can't stop thinking about the state of the house. The oven was apparantly filthy with all stains all over it and the cups had all tea stains at the bottom.

He didn't go upstairs so doesn't know what its like up there.

he was more bothered about the kitchen as he is a keen cook and kind of takes kitchen stuff seriously. I did tell him she maybe didn't have the time or money to have the house the way she wants it, I certainly don't but he said the oven was really, really gross and he was sure it only needed a good clean.

witcheseve Sat 18-Oct-08 15:43:47

lol at 'scrubbing doorstep', what was that all about. I'm guessing it was because the old terraces only had a doorstep then the street so it gave a good impression if this bit of outside was prestine.

GhostlySinCity Sat 18-Oct-08 15:45:24

oh and she had a wheelie bin without a lid on.

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