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Looking at other men

(32 Posts)
pinkroses Sun 06-Mar-05 22:56:44

I have a problem at the moment...I keep looking at other men and I have been married for 4 years.

I have never looked at other men before, but I am coming across men I am now attracted to. What should I do, should I discuss this with my husband as there must be a major problem between us brewing. We have had lots of problems...MIL, money, sex, etc!!!

I'm actually quite confused...I still love my husband, but my head is being turned by others. ANyone else had the same problem????

sparklymieow Sun 06-Mar-05 22:59:45

nothing wrong with looking me and Dh even flirt with other people! We have a strong relationship and know we can trust each other.

lou33 Sun 06-Mar-05 23:00:28

i wouldn't say anything, just look but don't touch

pinkroses Sun 06-Mar-05 23:13:21

I know everyone looks at other people...I've caught my dh looking at other women, but the thing is I feel quite confused as one man I met looked at me...and seemed to feel the same way I did. I can't explain itI just know there was a spark between us. Since then I can't stop thinkin gof him and I am finding myself looking-and thinking of other men.

My dh and I made a pact when we got married that if we were ever attracted by anyone else, then we would talk about it to see if something was wrong in our marriage....not sure if I can tell him about this, though! I feel so ashamed just for thinking this

lou33 Sun 06-Mar-05 23:28:20

i think telling him about a look, and that is really all it is, would cause more problems than it would sove tbh. Nothing happened, i wouldn't say anything

justamom Sun 06-Mar-05 23:55:21

i'm new but definetely know the feeling....been married uummmm....4 years in feb.....and i tried telling my husband that i was feeling neglected emotionally.....we have everything just no time for us..i had actually met someone and was talking to them for a while....but then i felt guilty and never called again.

lou33 Sun 06-Mar-05 23:59:26

i think it's a v common feeling, i wouldn't feel guilty about it

serenity Mon 07-Mar-05 00:07:43

I don't think it's realistic to expect to never find anyone else attractive ever again. I love my DH, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate the James Marsters/Orlando Blooms of this world!

Definitely look, do not touch and probably don't mention it if you think DH will get the hump.

HappyDaddy Mon 07-Mar-05 10:37:13

I agree with Lou. As long as you aren't blantantly looking so dh/dw can see because, that's disrespectful.

SeaShells Mon 07-Mar-05 10:41:13

I think it's totally normal and natural to look at other people, it's when you cross the line into actually doing something more than just looking that it is wrong.
Just because you're married doesn't mean that you can never consider anyone else attractive.

ladyhawk Mon 07-Mar-05 10:42:02

agree with others no harm in looking,no touching though{grin] i think its quite common and harmless,i wouldnt tell dh though as this may cause more problems than it solves.

Branster Mon 07-Mar-05 10:55:59

as long as you rememebr that you can't touch what you can't afford, I don't see a problem.

grumpyfrumpy Mon 07-Mar-05 11:54:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NomDePlume Mon 07-Mar-05 12:09:55

Agree with look but don't touch philosophy.

pinkroses Mon 07-Mar-05 15:19:44

Thanks for your advice. I don't feel as guilty now...but I do think we have a serious problem. I have thought for a while now that i don't turn on dh anymore. He says this is not true, but last night...to get himself in the mood for sex, he put porn on. He watched for a little bit then turned to me as if I was gonna give him sex. I said no and told him to put something else on. He did, and I began cuddling him and stroking his side, etc. He turned TV down.......or so I thought. He had actually put porn back on!!! I happened to look up and saw him watching TV!! So I turned over and to him to bugger off.

I'm not a prude against porn, but he has NEVER watched it before...he has never been interested in it before. I know that after a while in a marriage, things need spiced up a little, but not with porn!!

sasa15 Mon 07-Mar-05 15:27:51

definetely normal....

lou33 Mon 07-Mar-05 16:05:30

I would say that you need to discuss the problems you feel are occuring in your relationship, but not the repercussions of that (i.e you noticing men).

Tortington Mon 07-Mar-05 16:45:04

no harm in looking as most people have said - i do it blatently when somone comes on the telly i say " cwwwwoooor wouldn't kick him outta bed for farting" but thats indicative of the securityin my relationship - what you are saying is indicative of something deper - as justamom said earlier its more about emotional support i think. i mean think back to those butterfly in the stomach days when you were first going out and he would do things for you and talk all night and all that - its basically a mating ritual - so when you start talking t other men whoa ctually show an interest in you - the men will do this kind of thing - talk for hours show interest in only you - you become the centre of the world for a very short time - you thrive on it because you are being deprived of it possibley?

pinkroses Tue 08-Mar-05 23:59:59

very true. I don't get what I need from my dh...and I realised this when he was watching porn whilst I was gonna 'do stuff'.

He has never acted like this before...he really isn't into porn. This was out of character for him, so now I feel like I don't turn him on anymore

kama Wed 09-Mar-05 00:18:18

Message withdrawn

kama Wed 09-Mar-05 00:19:23

Message withdrawn

justamom Wed 09-Mar-05 00:34:37

just a suggestion, try watching a little while dh is at work and you know just play a lil when know one know but you.....then when you get comfortable try something new for dh.....sometimes all they want is a lil something different too....don't take it personally......

Tortington Wed 09-Mar-05 01:01:40

sorry to disagree - but if pinkroses doesn't want her dh watching porn when they are having sex thats fair enough he should be more considerate and only wank to it when she isnt there not watch it when she is if she doesnt want it as an aid to sex.

i dont think you should have to get used to it or even try it out - you both have emotional problems its give and take in a relationship you need a serious talk with each other preferably with a councillor me thinks

justamom Wed 09-Mar-05 13:40:47

i do agree with custardo, with one exeption...it is give and take and you "Both" should give...i felt the same way for a long long time.. i shouldn't have to use other people to turn my dh in my direction..you know it seemed so just plain nasty, and gross a few other things...BUT then i started to think...i want him to be sensitive to me to my needs, i want him to cuddle with me, i want him to talk to me, i want, i want, i want and of course i want him to be faithful..now wanting your dh to understand that you don't like that kind of stuff is definetly reasonable, but so is him asking you to enjoy it "with him" everyone has fantisies and maybe that is his....sometimes "stress" can make it hard for a man to let go...he sees his wife as partner, sometimes i think that they forget to see us as "sexy" so ...i do agree that if you are really really against that well then so be it,,,,,,but remember that next time you need him to do something that "he" really really don't want to do..

anonymouschap Wed 09-Mar-05 14:05:11

a chap's two penn'orth, i'd be sort of reassured if i thought my DW was looking at other men, to an extent, although of course i would also be worried and insecure.


hmm, that doesn't really help does it?

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