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DH ditched sex with me after dd born...now I'm having affair...debate!

(88 Posts)
Purplesplash Fri 17-Oct-08 22:14:15

I got fed up with begging...there's only so much begging a girl can do. I'm 40 and still look good and feel sexy. It's been a year now, so recently I hooked up with an old friend and we've been meeting up every month for fantastic sex. This is the only thing that is keeping me alive. I like DH but can't live without sex. Don't want to divorce. I have warned him a hundred times if he didn't have sex with me I would probably have an affair. Now it's happening. This is my 1st post on here and you all seem pretty judgemental, so I'm interested in your take on my situation (sometimes it's pretty weird for me too, but life is too short)

Dropdeadfred Fri 17-Oct-08 22:15:33

did he give you a reason for not wanting sex?

would you not have been able to just use a vibrator etc without having an affair?

Flamesparrow Fri 17-Oct-08 22:15:53

hmm

expatinscotland Fri 17-Oct-08 22:17:50

why the fuck does everyone all these newbies want to turn everything into a 'debate'/argument/i'm right and you're wrong these days?

how fucking dull can you get!?

why not just have a 'shoot the shit' thread?

why not have a 'i don't give a fuck what you think anyhow so just comment away' thread?

for a change.

solidgoldskullonastick Fri 17-Oct-08 22:17:55

I think your situation is more common than a lot of people would like to admit. And that such a situation can work very well for all concerned.
How do you think your DH would react if you told him that you have now started getting your sexual needs met elsewhere? This is not an ooh-how-could-you question, because there are people who are more than happy for a partner to get sexual needs met outside the primary relationship as long as all other aspects of the primary relationship (kindness, shared chores, childrearing, respect for one another) are in place and working well.

PumpkinPatty Fri 17-Oct-08 22:18:05

have you spoken to him about why he doesn't want sex?

zippitippitoes Fri 17-Oct-08 22:18:24

well it seems like drivel

i think you have to try harder to sound real

expatinscotland Fri 17-Oct-08 22:19:20

yes, fuck him, purple.

shag his brains out!

because other than your husband and family, IF they found out, most people don't care what you do.

CherryChapstick Fri 17-Oct-08 22:19:36

Bagofshite!

georgimama Fri 17-Oct-08 22:20:45

trip trap trip trap billy goats gruff.

PumpkinPatty Fri 17-Oct-08 22:21:55

Well maybe he is getting it somewhere else as well, have you considered that?

Tillyscoutsmum Fri 17-Oct-08 22:22:29

Gosh - sounds like a trailer for Jeremy Kyle

Heated Fri 17-Oct-08 22:23:02

"you all seem pretty judgemental"

no, you go for it girl whoop whoop

hf128219 Fri 17-Oct-08 22:23:40

Is he having an affair too? Maybe you could compare notes of hotels with rooms by the hour?

zippitippitoes Fri 17-Oct-08 22:23:50

lol heated

darkpunk Fri 17-Oct-08 22:24:54

[yawn]

rachelp73 Fri 17-Oct-08 22:25:48

"I like DH but can't live without sex."

"Like"?? Very telling that you use that word......Is that as deep as the affection goes? If you don't LOVE him, and there is no sex, and you are going elsewhere for it anyway, then why stay with him? Is it just down to practicalities or something?

PumpkinPatty Fri 17-Oct-08 22:28:40

Maybe he doesn't 'like' you anymore...

hecAteTheirBrains Fri 17-Oct-08 22:29:02

If he won't have sex with you, and you have tried to help and support him and get to the bottom of it, and he won't be helped, and you can't live without sex but want to stay in the relationship, then a discussion with him about your needs is in order. (that's DISCUSSION, not threats!) I think you should tell him that you have had sex with someone else. Tell him what you are doing, because the killer is deceit! You never know, he may be ok with you fulfilling your sexual needs outside of the marriage. Or he may understand just how strongly you feel about it. Of course, he may leave you, but if you are so miserable without sex that you would betray him, you've not much of a marriage anyway, have you? I think you should lay your cards on the table.

And a year without sex is nothing! I've been married for 10 years and 8 of them have been sexless. I may very well have healed over completely grin I haven't chosen to go elsewhere (ha, as if I would have a choice!), but I can understand why people make a different choice. It makes you feel very bad about yourself.

Purplesplash Fri 17-Oct-08 22:35:31

Thanks for the insight, because I know I was being flippant but insight from other people is what I really need. I don't want to tell all my friends as they might not approve.

Believe me, I have tried everything,from all the usual candles,nice dinners,blah to giving him space for a few months, to downright "fuck me now" but nothing works. I think he is asexual...I thought he might be gay or having an affair or all the usual, but I really don't think that. UGH! Is everyone's relationshiops so complicated?

TaxiDriver Fri 17-Oct-08 22:36:37

perhaps he needs counselling, as it is since the birth of dd, perhaps he was shocked
not uncommon

Monkeyblue Fri 17-Oct-08 22:36:52

When you ask him why
Whats he say????

TaxiDriver Fri 17-Oct-08 22:37:14

and yes other peoples relationships are complicated too

Purplesplash Fri 17-Oct-08 22:37:27

..and dropdeadfred, yes vibrator is good but can't compare to someone really appreciating you. I am normally a piece of the furniture so it was a revelation when someone actually found me attractive

hecAteTheirBrains Fri 17-Oct-08 22:37:43

mine is very similar.

Except I'm not boinging anyone else. grin

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