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What now...

(35 Posts)
Daisypops Fri 17-Oct-08 20:30:40

I posted on here about 5 weeks ago as I found texts on my DP's phone and her was been very distant with me. Anyway I threw him out. We've talked since then and to cut a long story short he has asked me to wait until January for him. WTF? He said he isn't ready to come back to me, he loves me and only wants me but he just needs more time. I want to say forget it and cut and run but part of me wonders if I should wait for him. BUT what if he doesn't come back and I'm heartbroken all over again in January. I've spoken to my mum who thinks I should get on with my life and see what happens, what will be will be sort of attitude but I just dont know what to do. Please give me your advice, but don't bash me as I'm feeling pretty low. xxx

scaryfucker Fri 17-Oct-08 20:34:02

no bashing here

but what is the significance of january ?

what is he going to do between now and then ?

Daisypops Fri 17-Oct-08 20:39:31

I don't get it either, he said he is taking some exams and they are in January so he wants to stay away until then. Just doesn't add up.

ScoobyDoo Fri 17-Oct-08 20:42:27

No sorry but there is no way i would wait, i don't get it? i think you are right to try & get on with your life, don't sit & wait for him to make his mind up as you say what happens if he decides he does not want to come back?

barbie1 Fri 17-Oct-08 20:43:50

what kind of text did you find, do you still trust him...if not then i would say give yourself a break sweetheart and use the next few months to get strong and then you can be the one to call the shot and not dp!

lulumama Fri 17-Oct-08 20:44:48

he is wanting to have his cake and eat it. giving himself a few weeks to see if it works with the OW and then if it is not as rosy as he hoped, good old daisy will be waiting for him

i would run for the hills, and cut your losses right now, rather than being dangled on a string by a selfish man

Greyclay Fri 17-Oct-08 20:53:24

Hi Daisypops. I remember your story. I'm sorry to hear that he is still being indecisive. I would really encourage you to not listen to his words as much as pay attention to his actions. The fact that he is saying he loves you and wants only you is one thing but what are his actions telling you? He is putting time and distance between you and him. I think he is giving you mixed messages and that is not fair.

Also, (and please read this gently), it still seems as though you are letting him have more of the power in the situation. He needs more time and he wants YOU to wait.

I would suggest taking the time to reflect on your feelings and what it is that you want. If he takes this time away from the relationship, how will YOU feel in January? I think you might be surprised with how the time might change your perceptions.

If you do choose to go along with him about this period of waiting time, I think you should make it clear to him that is taking a serious gamble on the situation in that you may not be so willing to have him back even if he does decide that is what he wants. That is a risk he is going to have to be responsible for should he wish to take it.

In the meantime, I would do as your mom suggests. Move forward in your life. One last thing though, I think you should clarify whether or not he intends to have contact with you during this period of time. I would suggest not but if you do, you should be the one to establish the terms. Your terms. Once a week on the phone or something like that. Good luck.

Daisypops Fri 17-Oct-08 20:56:28

Over the last 6 months I found 5 womens numbers on his phone. He denys anything went on with any of them. 5 weeks ago I found one from 'Vicky' that was the last straw, I had a feeling something wasn't right as he was very distant with me and was out all the time. He denys anything went on and said one of his workmates gave her his number. He has since changed his number because he says she was texting him all time time, I've tried ringing the other phone and it rings so I think it could still be active? So no, I don't trust him one bit. I'm just so fed up and confused. Today he said he wants us to eventually have another baby which he knows I really want. Its emotional blackmail. I hate him for it.

muckypups Fri 17-Oct-08 20:59:18

Im so sorry your going through this Daisypops. Im not good giving advice as still in the pain of an affair myself. But stay strong and dont be taken for a fool. It helps to talk lots and keep yourself busy and surrounded with a friend or friends.Take care, loads of hugs

Spero Fri 17-Oct-08 20:59:18

I think Greyclay and your mum are absolutely right.What he is suggesting is just not fair on you, to keep you dangling for months... for what?

I would assume it is over and try to move on. If he wants to talk things over in January, listen to what he has to say but I think it would be very bad for your emotional well being to give him this power.

PortofinoPumpkin Fri 17-Oct-08 21:02:54

So you say "another baby". You already have a child? And he is doing this?

Daisypops Fri 17-Oct-08 21:08:51

I have told him to assume it is over as I can't do it. He said he will definately come back. Funny thing is when I am in control and say its finished I feel better. Its just such a shit situation to be in. I was in a similar situation with my ex but I just walked away one day, never cried, never had any regrets NOTHING, its weird this time its gone on for 5 weeks and its not actually going anywhere. Its driving me mad and I just think I need to take control so I can get my life back on track. Its been horrendous and the thought of it going on any longer especially over christmas and new year is just awful. Also I don't trust him so in this time apart I don't know what hes been upto so how can we rebuild it in January anyway? Theres so many things going round in my head I wish I could just read a book and it would tell me what to do!

Daisypops Fri 17-Oct-08 21:09:26

Yes Porto we have a 21 month old DD.

Spero Fri 17-Oct-08 21:12:05

I didn't pick up on the fact you have a baby. If he will 'definitely' come back then he can come back NOW. Anything else is just nasty mind games and no good for your or your dd.

Assume its over, get some space. He might wake up and realise what an idiot he's being, but he won't get the head space to do that if he knows he's got you on the end of a string.

Spero Fri 17-Oct-08 21:12:08

I didn't pick up on the fact you have a baby. If he will 'definitely' come back then he can come back NOW. Anything else is just nasty mind games and no good for your or your dd.

Assume its over, get some space. He might wake up and realise what an idiot he's being, but he won't get the head space to do that if he knows he's got you on the end of a string.

catsmother Fri 17-Oct-08 21:14:19

This is a horribly unfair situation for you. If he can say NOW that he will "definitely" come back in January then there should be no reason why he can't come back NOW.

I'm sorry to upset you further, but I can't help wondering if he's booked himself a Xmas holiday with one of his other women and doesn't want to waste his ticket !

To add insult to injury and tell you he wants another baby is further indication that he's not being straight with you. If you can make a statement of intent about something as important as that NOW, you do NOT need "more time". More time, for what exactly ??

Daisypops Fri 17-Oct-08 21:17:08

Your right Spero. I think hes always known I'm at the end of the phone or if he wants to meet I will, but now its changed and I'm just starting to resent him so I'm not making myself available. He is going away to Canada next week for 2 weeks with work, I intend to have NO contact with him at all. Thats another thing, he flippin volunteered to go, did he not think he'd miss DD. I could never be away from her for more than 12 hours!
I reckon he wants to be a lads lad and then come back to me when he gets fed up. Its not for me though, I deserve better than that. And I just keeping thinking about the fact that I dont trust him, everyone says you cant have a relationship without trust.

Daisypops Fri 17-Oct-08 21:19:01

Catsmother I know I thought exactly the same re the baby comment. I just got in my car and drove away, it was too hard for me to stick around.

Spero Fri 17-Oct-08 21:19:02

You and your daughter deserve better than that.

scaryfucker Fri 17-Oct-08 21:19:17

remind yourself of the words to the Beautiful South song "A Little Time"

sums it up I think

Daisypops Fri 17-Oct-08 21:23:52

Catsmother I know I thought exactly the same re the baby comment. I just got in my car and drove away, it was too hard for me to stick around.

Greyclay Fri 17-Oct-08 21:33:09

You're doing the right thing. I hope you feel more strength about your decision over the weekend. All the best.

scaryfucker Fri 17-Oct-08 22:18:00

I need a little time
To think it over
I need a little space
Just on my own
I need a little time
To find my freedom
I need a little...

Funny how quick the milk turns sour
Isnt it, isnt it
Your face has been looking like that for hours
Hasnt it, hasnt it
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mistrust

I need a little room
To find myself
I need a little space
To work it out
I need a little room
All alone
I need a little...

You need a little room for your big head
Dont you, dont you
You need a little space for a thousand beds
Wont you, wont you
Lips that promise - fear the worst
Tongue so sharp - the bubble burst
Just into unjust

Ive had a little time
To find the truth
Now Ive had a little room
To check whats wrong
Ive had a little time
And I still love you
Ive had a little...

You had a little time
And you had a little fun
Didnt you, didnt you
While you had yours
Do you think I had none
Do you, do you
The freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good
I hope youre glad
Sad into unsad

I had a little time
To think it over
Had a little room
To work it out
I found a little courage
To call it off

Ive had a little time
Ive had a little time
Ive had a little time
Ive had a little time

PortofinoPumpkin Fri 17-Oct-08 22:28:14

Sorry - he has a family, he has a child. He can't just opt out. He can choose to have a not so mid-life crisis i guess, but if he chooses to do this, you also have the right to choose the life that is right for you.

It's one thing a batchelor umming and erring about whether to settle dwon and quite another a FATHER deciding about his RESPONSIBILITIES!

scaryfucker Fri 17-Oct-08 22:29:50

sorry that took up so much space blush

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