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need common sense advice...not a debate on the rights and wrongs of porn

(33 Posts)
saytheword Fri 17-Oct-08 14:25:57


I'm a regular but name changed to hide the shame.

I'm 7 months pregnant and really suffering with spd. Totally fed up and on constant pain, as well as running about after my 2 other dc's (4.7 & 21m). We live far away from family and friends so are pretty much on our tods here. Don't know if any of that's relevant but am just setting the scene.

DH and I have always, always had issues over his porn use, I hate it but he still uses it, although afaik nowhere near as much as he used to. Back in April, not long after I found out I was pg again (unplanned and still in shock!), I found that he'd been signing up to porn sites, he denied it, and in my over-emotional state I told hom I didn't want to stay married to him if I was going to have to deal with this for the rest of our lives. Bit dramatic but I was so pissed off.

He seemed to take me seriously, told me to put net nanny on the pc, which I did, for a month, and all seemed ok.

Anyway, I've just seen that he has since signed up to various websites - this involves paying a sub fee which he then cancels soon after (once he's got his rocks off, I suppose), this can be at a cost of about 20quid a time. Just something else that pisses me off, that he spends money to have a wank.

So, of course I'm annoyed - last night while he was apparently studying he was having a toss. I do NOT care that he's sorting himself out, btw - sex is the last thing on my mind. I'm on agony all the time. He does not want to have sex either as he feels it's not 'right' while I'm pg. His issue.

It's just that the website he was looking at featured a model who was apparently 18- but she honestly looked younger. Like about 15 or 16. Makes me feel very uneasy.

I can't tell him I was snooping, and I was blatantly doing just that, but I need to let him know that him looking at that kind of site makes me very concerned. He's always gone for not-quite-hardcore stuff, but def favours the younger model, shall we say. I should add that I've never had any reason to think he's got any illegal tendencies, if that makes sense.

I don't know what I want to be told, advice wise. Sorry this was all a bit of a ramble.

lilacclaire Fri 17-Oct-08 14:30:34

They always look younger the older we get lol.

Obviously your feeling shitty and knowing he is drooling over young(er) females is not doing much for your self esteem.

Is there any way you would be able to just turn a blind eye, knowing that you are not up for sex at the mo and that it is YOU that he loves?

NotDoingTheHousework Fri 17-Oct-08 14:37:04

Message withdrawn

MrsMattie Fri 17-Oct-08 14:38:21

He is addicted to porn. Has he acknowledged this?

Kally Fri 17-Oct-08 14:41:56

Agree with lilaclare, they DO look younger the older we get.

Does he get to choose who he has up on screen or is that who just 'pops' up? (Don't have much idea with these things).

I wouldn't worry about it too much (since you've come to an agreement about this). Men ar just visual and probably he wasn't even concerned with her face...

In general, I don't know if I'd be that complacent about the whole porn thing especially since he's had problems by being a bit 'over the top' with it. That to me is like having the odd cigarette here and there when you've given up, you're bound to end up going back to heavy smoking in the end...

Can't you just calm him down without full sex? Perhaps that would take his mind off the pc sites.

lilacclaire Fri 17-Oct-08 14:46:27

Definetly would be annoyed at the spending money on it though, as NDTH says, there is loads of free stuff out there (not that I would know wink).
I think all the models used would be on the younger side by default and you would need to specifically seach for older women (like us old bags) for anything remotely normal!

saytheword Fri 17-Oct-08 14:48:22

I am finding it hard to be complacent about it, given his history with it. He is more than aware of my feelings on it, and I'm no prude, btw. I am aware that men are visual creatures, and know that while he may have 'dry spells' he's always going to venture back to it when the fancy takes him.

So you think I should ignore the young-ness of the model? I suppose it does make me feel like shit, given that I'm enormous and def never going to have my 18 year old body again. When this pg ends I'm guessing I'll have about 20-30 pounds to shift. I do feel that his looking at porn gives him unreasonable expectations of what a woman's body 'should' look like, but that's another issue.

MrsMattie - I think he has an addiction. He disagrees.

MrsMattie Fri 17-Oct-08 14:57:07

He 'asked you to install net nanny'. He can't control his porn use. He is definitely addicted, imo, and I would have a problem with this. I think you just be open and tell him once again - you think he has a problem, you are not happy about his porn use, what does he siggest you do? Turn a blind eye?

saytheword Fri 17-Oct-08 15:03:22

I think he asked me to install it for my peace of mind - he was saying (again) that he would stop using the sites, but if I couldn't trust him enough I should install it so I knew he wasn't on them.

You know, it all just makes me sad. I honestly can't see myself staying with him if this is always going to come up.

I've just realised that last night, while I was downstairs in tears with my refusing-to-sleep-and-tantrumming toddler, he was up there having a wank. Now that hacks me right off.

MrsMattie Fri 17-Oct-08 15:06:18

saytheword - I feel sad for you. sad

saytheword Fri 17-Oct-08 15:36:00

I wish I just didn't care. I would love to be one of those women who genuinely had no problem and wasn't personally affected by their partners using porn. It must be down to my own insecurites about how I look.

Also, the stuff he's looking at are far removed from anything that I would find arousing. Just maes me wonder how sexually compatible we actually are now - and we used to have an amazing sex life.

Plus it's the lack of respect. The secrecy. What else it could lead to. We're planning on living separately due to his work in the coming years, with him weekly commuting. How the hell will I be able to rest easy at night when we're not together?

I don't actually think he's ever cheat, physically. However, AYCMD's recent experiences have got me worried.

dittany Fri 17-Oct-08 15:47:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kally Fri 17-Oct-08 16:19:04

I don't like that bit where you say you're with the toddler screaming and crying and he's up there getting his rocks off. There's a time and a place for everything. That seems weird to me. Good job he didn't ask you to keep him quiet so he could 'finish'. Me? I would have gone up there with a bucket of icy water and surprised him.

Different if he's being very very discreet about it, but when family life is 'going on around him'... You should set boundries. How old are you guys? It sounds like he's some horny 16 year old...

saytheword Fri 17-Oct-08 16:20:23

dittany, I know. I just don't think I can face yet another argument/discussion about it all.

I think I'll have to get it off my chest though. I can't hide my emotions, esp not just now.

BTW, I don't doubt his love for me or the dc's, and know the last thing he would ever want would be for us to break up. I don't want that either. And a big part of me is telling myself to get a grip, it's only porn, he's not actually having an affair or anything near one! It just that he does know for sure how much this all bothers me, but continues to do it. If I had a 'habit' that upset him so much, I just wouldn't carry on with it.

saytheword Fri 17-Oct-08 16:22:15

We're 35, kally!

I didn't actually know that's what he was doing until I looked at the pc this morning. He had deleted the history but I checked on a site that shows his credit card actions. He has no idea I can do this.

NotDoingTheHousework Fri 17-Oct-08 16:23:49

Message withdrawn

Kally Fri 17-Oct-08 16:26:59

I think you are right to be hacked off about it. But then I think its not right that you two have no intimate contact.
Don't you do anything with each other? (Intimately, I mean)

gingerninja Fri 17-Oct-08 16:29:51

I have no problem with porn but I think if one partner is using it in secret then it's a little odd.

I think you need to talk about his secret use of it. I can't talk for your relationship but would you be more relaxed if he was more open and perhaps just used a magazine or something (ie a cheap option)? Because maybe you need to accept that he enjoys it and find a compromise.

I don't think having different stimulants means you're not sexually compatible. i think that's probably quite common but you both need to be much more open about it all.

SylvieSprings Fri 17-Oct-08 16:37:19

It's not only a habit that upsets you, it's an addiction that shows lack of self control. Does he drink or smoke as well?
Will he use drugs next just to get a high?

He needs to be reminded his responsibility as a husband and role model for his children.

A real man/husband/father is one who put the needs of his family before his needs.

saytheword Fri 17-Oct-08 16:40:06

I do think that his usage has been pretty minilam over the past few months, tbh. The paying for it does bother me, we're hardly millionaires. It doens't affect our family life other than our relationship - he's not got such a problem that he shuts himself away from the rest of us.

i don't think it's altogther weird for him to do it in secret, it's not as if I want to join in. I don't exactly expect him to say, 'right, I'm off to look at porn and have a wank, see you in half an hour?'

While we're not being sexually intimate at the moment, we are still getting on fine, and there's always hugs. He's always telling me how much he loves me and the dc's. He's genuine about that. As I said, I'm not concerned about that. I am feeling especially down just now because of the spd so I'm not exactly a barrel of laughs!

You know, I don't grudge him sorting himself out. And I'm clearly aware that he likes porn. Perhaps I do need to just accept him using it and stop taking it personally.

SueMunch Fri 17-Oct-08 16:44:29

I think Kally asks an important question here - men can get incredibly frustrated if there is no sex on the cards for long periods. There has to be a reason he is turning to porn - escapism?

gingerninja Fri 17-Oct-08 16:45:49

I would expect my DH to tell me if he was off for a wank though. And I'm certain he would too, in the hope that I'd help him out or he'd get something extra. It's the seperate sex life thing that I find the strangest thing tbh. You might not want to join him in his porn fest but can you be intimate together without it?

saytheword Fri 17-Oct-08 19:25:02

the fact that there is no sex on the cards is entirely down to him - he feels it's not 'right' to have sex while I'm pregnant. I would still want to, btw - although the spd does tend to put me off as I'm so sore.

gingerninja - I don't expect him to tell me when he's off doing that at all! We don't have separate sex lives - although I agree we could be closer despite the lack of sex. We are both knackered all the time, he gets up for work at 5am, doesn't get home till 7pm and is usually in bed by 9pm! The new baby coming is going to make things even more tiring, esp for me.

I think I'm going to talk to him about this tonight, and put forward my worries without attacking him, if I can...this just brings me dwon, so much and I'd love to live without this always hovering over us.

i don't believe that there's a compromise we can reach - he wants to use it, I can't stand it - how could we ever meet in the middle? If I make him stop, then he 'loses', if I turn a blind eye, then I've given in.

thegirlwiththecurl Fri 17-Oct-08 19:45:11

gosh, i really feel for you. dh went through a phase of checking out porn a few years ago and i hated it. I know lots of people are fine with it and i wish i could be, but i'm not. Got very very upset and he said he'd stop and he didn't - i checked. he finally stopped when a site he went on screwed up the computer and he had to confess. That was three years ago, and he has not looked at it since, but it still hurts me that he continued to look when i was so upset over it. Felt like he didn't consider my feelings at all. Anyway, because he stopped, our relationship has been fine and i don't bring it up. If your dh doesn't stop, it sounds like its always going to fester between you and raise its ugly head at stressful times (ie when you have a newborn..). I know you've talked before and he knows your position but you really need to tell him that you are feeling like this is the beginning of the end. I don't really have any other advice, i just hope that you can sort it

saytheword Fri 17-Oct-08 20:00:33

I have told him words to that effect, girl, although the way you out it might be more effective.

Every time we fight about it I tell him that it changes how I feel about him, that it makes me not love him as much as I should, that it def doesn't make me want to sleep with him...I've told him too that porn will cause the end of our marriage. So what I don't get is why he chooses time and time again to disregard all that and carry on with it? He obviously doesn't think this is a serious issue and therefore I'm over-reacting...he points out tht I knew about it before we got married so what's changed? I suppose I just (wrongly) assumed that he would grow out of it, esp once he became a father...and while he might not have a huge stash of magazines under his bed any more it's still a big problem, to me at least.

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