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should I attempt to clear my name? poisonous (recently) ex inlaws

(21 Posts)
ratbunny Fri 17-Oct-08 08:26:30

A long story cut short is that my xh walked out on us (me and then 15 mo ds) 4 1/2 months ago. He left for (no surprised here...) a woman 10 yrs younger and with no kids. Same old story...
He has flitted back and forth between us for the past 3 months - in fact last week he was with me, and now he is back with her!
Honestly, I have seen the light. He will never change, and cited a reason for not being with me as me 'making' him spend time with ds shock. She is welcome to him.

But I do have a problem with the way I have been villified in all this. I understand that xh HAS to paint me in a bad light to his new gf. otherwise how can he justify walking out on his family?
But his famly have been AWFUL. Really nasty. Pasting over facebook (so our mutual friends see this) how happy they are they are together, and how upset they were whenever me and xh were trying to work things out; writing me out of the family with in a week (when me and xh were actually still together). I could go on, but I wont. They have been an awful set of inlaws - I used to have to ring her a week before xh's birthday to remind her to send a card, otherwise she wouldnt! I am well rid of them.
But of course ds will have contact with them, and I am finding it very hard to leave this all lying.
So, I was thinking of contacting x sil (whose dh did the same thing to her, but they are back together) and explaining my story. And I was thinking of contacting ow and asking if she doesnt question the reaction of his family, or the way he walked out on a family.

The reason I am saying this now and not earlier is that they have pasted all over fb how delighted they are that xh has chosen ow. All of mine and xh's mutual friends have seen it and are disgusted, if not surpised, by their behaviour. My friends and family find it very upsetting.

Is it worth doing? So far I have taken all of this lying down. I havent reacted, havent messed xh about, havent contacted ow or ANYTHING. But I really feel they are taking the pi55 now.

BlingLovin Fri 17-Oct-08 09:20:49

I would hang on to "all of mine and sh's mutual friends have seen it and are disgusted, if not surprised, by their behaviour. My friends and family find it very upsetting". You don't need to clear your name if this is true - clearly these people are seriously flawed.

And I'm not sure how much time DS is going to spend with these people anyway? If your exDP left because he didn't want to spend time with him in the first place...?

Hodgins Fri 17-Oct-08 09:23:23

I'm not sure if I'm the right person to give an opinion as I've never been in your situation but...

Sounds like you are already handling this with dignity and not sinking to their level.

If your mutual friends are seeing this, they will more than likely see what a waste of space he is. If you start saying things, chances are they will just continue to be mean and it may get worse.

I think you should keep doing what you are doing, hold your head high - you have done nothing wrong - and continue to set a wonderful example to your DS.

Good luck - hope you and DS will be very happy without him!!!

2point4kids Fri 17-Oct-08 09:23:29

Do nothing.
You sound dignified and sensible. They sound awful.
If I saw messages like that (and I do see some shitty ones) on peoples facebook profiles I always think how badly it reflects on themselves rather than the person they are slagging off!
Dont lower yourself to their level x

hecAteTheirBrains Fri 17-Oct-08 09:27:35

They are, but do you expect them to side with you, no matter what you say? First of all, they are his family, so they are more inclined to 'side' with him even if he is in the wrong. Secondly if they were reasonable, rational, decent people, people you could talk to and who would listen to you and see both sides, they wouldn't be the type to do such mean and spiteful things in the first place, so the fact that they have, tells you that they are not good people and probably wouldn't hear you out anyway.

So given that they are not good people, are they going to care if you tell them? Probably not. Will they even believe you, or will your ex say you are lying and then they will add lying and badmouthing to your list of 'crimes' - probably.

The fact is, they chose to declare their delight - which possibly means they don't like you, didn't like you, whatever (not saying that is due to anything you've done), so are they worth bothering about? Probably not.

I know that the injustice of it must drive you crackers, but I think that it is more important that you maintain your dignity and rise above it. You know the truth, your friends and family know the truth and your ex knows the truth.

The best way to hit him, is to be happy. Move on. Be delighted that he is no longer your partner. Say how you have never been happier and how glad you are that the relationship has ended. Look great, walk with confidence. Tell him that he did the right thing to go, because you feel so much better now and you both have the right to be happy. Give him and the new gf a lovely christmas card. (He will HATE that and so will she!) The worse they are to you, the nicer you are back, the more happy to be FREE, you become. It will drive them nuts grin

The ex-inlaws are now out of your life. You don't have to have anything to do with them! All you have to do, is to allow your child to have contact with your ex - it is up to HIM to take them to his family, if he wants to, and to ensure that they have a relationship with the child - that's just not your problem any more and you should ensure that you leave it ALL to him! Remove yourself totally. It's just not your baggage anymore.

ivykaty44 Fri 17-Oct-08 09:33:15

I would move away from facebook - delete the profile and re-do another profile in your maiden name and add only the people you want to be friends with.

Get this people out of your life, put them in the bin whatever but dont hang around on a website with them loitering around.

Your life, your sons life and move on slowly you dont want them knowing what you are doing, from a website.

ivykaty44 Fri 17-Oct-08 09:36:58

Actually what hecate says is right about their declarations of delight - his family need to justify the awful things their son has done - what better than to publicly slate you on a website in front of your friends. That will take the heat away from their son and the bad things he has done. They are sadly wrong though they just make it apparent that they brought their son up without morals and to behave like this being the root cause of his bahaviour. sad people

BalloonSlayer Fri 17-Oct-08 09:37:12

I think most of us have had this at some point and it's awful.

My ex left me 16 years ago and I still stew over what lies he told his family.

The thing is though that your ex's family KNOW that he has done a terrible thing by cheating on his wife and abandoning his baby son.

And everyone else knows it too.

So the family are now trying a bit of desperate damage limitation, by saying how delighted they are. No one will be convinced for a second.

Remember the line (misquote from Hamlet) - "methinks the lady doth protest too much." They are a perfect example.

ratbunny Fri 17-Oct-08 09:37:27

thanks for your replies.
I think ow is very naiive - if I really was as nasty and vindictive as they clearly make out I am, surely I would have done something nasty by now? Perhaps that is why I am blocked from her profile, she is scared of me grin

ok, I will remain dignified. As in laws showed no interest in ds up til now (visiting about 3 times in a yr and a half), hopefully they wont now. But I can imagine the drama - at LAST we get to see (my) ds. Tho I have never stopped them from seeing him anyway.

His family arent my fb friends - I was told all this by a mutual friend!

It is the injustice of it all that kills me - especially since both xsil and xmil have been in the same position with therir partners running off after the birth of a child!!! shock You would imagie they had some empathy, but apparently I give them too much credit.

ok, head high, happy bunny, glad to get rid. I NEVER have to deal with them again, and that is most DEFINITELY a good thing.

But I will send them christmas cards, that will drive them ^insane grin

ratbunny Fri 17-Oct-08 09:39:59

yes, and perhaps they are trying to justify it by saying their delight etc.
Cos what he did was awful in whatever way you look at it, and even moral-less, vindictive, toxic people that they are, I am SURE that deep-down they know this.

ivykaty44 Fri 17-Oct-08 09:43:11

I have chatted with my exh's ow - several years on now that she is divorced from him. Guess what she was naive, and he did exactly the same thing to her (just after she had a baby she went to visit family and when she came home found he had moved her into a rented flat!)

Ow will have no idea, nor will she want to have any idea whatever you say will fall on delaf ears so dont waste your time (her own family will tell her and it will also fall on deaf ears)

solidgoldskullonastick Fri 17-Oct-08 09:43:50

HecAte's advice is brilliant: there is no better way to beat idiots like this bunch than to be happy and totally indifferent to their behaviour. Good luck with doing so.

mabanana Fri 17-Oct-08 09:43:57

Let it go. It doesn't matter. Of course his family side with him - it's totally natural. I'd get off Facebook personally, seems to cause all sorts of unhappiness and upset.

mabanana Fri 17-Oct-08 09:44:37

Also tell your friends you aren't in the least bit interested in what his family say on someone else's website. Why are they looking at it and coming telling tales to you?

gingerninja Fri 17-Oct-08 09:54:40

I agree with Hecate, that is trully the best way to deal with people like this. Don't give them the satisfaction.

Good luck sounds like you're coping amazingly well considering.

QwertyQueen Sat 18-Oct-08 22:52:25

def delete them as contacts, a nice subtle snub!
Dont lower yourself to their level, they are being very malicious and hurtful.
What a weird thing to post about anyway

QwertyQueen Sat 18-Oct-08 22:53:46

oh, sorry just realised they arent contacts doh.
but, yes, head held high.. news about how great you are doing will get back to them

MadamDeathstare Sun 19-Oct-08 04:27:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lulabelle Mon 20-Oct-08 16:27:56

ratbunny, having gone through/going through a very very similar experience, I can totally empathise with how you feel. My inlaws don't have facebook, thank goodness!! I too have been vilified for doing nothing wrong. MIL can not see any fault with xH and I think this is a massive part of his problem.

I would love to get my side of the story, the truth, out and people to know what really happened but I can't. I had to leave my village because of him and his lies and now his new gf has got in on his act!! I could scream some days and even though MIL knows the truth, she now makes out I'm lying and praises the new gf as everything he has ever wanted!!

It makes me mad when the DC's go there, DS1 has repeated things about me he has overheard and I have trouble with him now.

I'm willing to 'chat' if you want to CAT me, don't want to post too much info on here.

Sympathies though, it is hard.x

nooOOOoonki Mon 20-Oct-08 16:42:09

Hectate speaks the truth - print it out and look at it every now and again!-

and rejoice no more contact with these eejits!!!

alphabetsoup Mon 20-Oct-08 16:43:44

Goodness that sounds tough for you...but we're all agreed yr x is a completely useless selfish immature b*stard, appaently from a long line of similar low life stock.

So you'd gain nothing by setting the record straight. hecate is spot on...Be NICE and above all appear relieved and very Happy. Perhaps your Christmas cards "from ds to Daddy/grandma" etc wink could include you maybe holding him on your lap, or sitting next to him, looking amazing. Get your hair done, go for a makeover at a trusted salon or dept store, put on your best most flattering outfit etc and go for it ! Don't forget to include a chatty round robin "written" by ds full of details of lovely things the two of you have done together, places you have been without x.

How could he bin a card from a toddler, no mattter how annoying for him ? Anyway you'd be sending out several to friends and family so even if they were binned, it would be a sweet revenge. Go on, start planning it now. Easy to cobble together on your PC.

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