Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Have I done the wrong thing here with DH?(20 Posts)
As most of you know, DH is abroad with his terminally ill mum. I'm holding the fort this end.
He was due to come back this Sunday but for the last week has been debating whether to stay another week. As much as I've wanted him to come back, I've encouraged him to stay as I think given the cirucmstances, he needs to spend quality time with MIL. The agreement was we would see how her health was Mon/Tue and make the final decision on ticket changing on Wed (yest)
He text me this am to say his mum was stable for the third day in a row and to ask how we were. I was argghh at the time as DS has been a little sod the last few days, I'm sleep deprived, he had pulled my bag out all over the bedroom floor and the loo roll off the handle in the bathroom and had just done his second poo in an hour after I'd just changed and dressed him ready for the park with BIL. So, I just quickly text and said are you changing your ticket? He text back yes I think I would. I said well please sort it as I need to know what's going on and that I was pretty stressed and tearful as its very full on with DS as its 24/7 in DH's absence, even with mums help.
He didn't even acknowledge this and just said I'll do it asap. I text back look just tell me when its bloody sorted, I'm too stressed to have mm'ing and ahhing and then put a sad emoticon face. He then text back ok, I've said I will. I text back dont get stroppy!I'm trying to make sure you don't leave it to the last min and wind up not being able to change your ticket which would make your mum that you have to go
He hasn't replied to that at all and its been a good 5 hours now...I'm really stressed I've done the wrong thing. However, I've just coped with DS day in and day out and not whinged to DH at all as have felt he had enough on his plate, but now his mum is stable and its calmed down over there, I just felt I wanted to offload a bit and to not have any feedback from him made me and this whole 'oh I think I will' regarding changing the ticket was red flag to a bull...
Thing is, he KNOWS that by not texting me back, I get very stressed and upset and yet he still does it....BIL and mum don't think I've done anything wrong as its ok to be exasperated that he's not making his mind up...but...
What do you think? Sorry this is long but am stressed with it all!!
You are both under so much pressure at the moment, and if you're anything like me and dh, it's quite easy to take it out on each other.
Neither of you are wrong - I just hope MIL remains stable, and you can get a bit of time together - for both of your sakes.
So sorry you're going through this.
I guess that he must have been pretty full-on looking after his mum ( i read your previous post)..so although I can imagine you were stressed it may have seem a little mean to be so blunt...
Why not text him a little 'sorry i was having a bad day DH' ?
Oh, Puss, this is a really stressful time for you . You're only human and it's hard to be the super-supportive wife and mum all the time. Please don't beat yourself up.
Are you still at your mum's?
Rhine - yup. Very helpful to have company but Mum is at work all day so the bulk of the childcare is down to me and its taking its toll - I mean normally DS is in nursery and I'm at work (signed off atm) so.....I wish I had just not replied to his text until I had calmed down but I was so annoyed that we agreed we would make a final ticket decision and he was still faffing and not giving me a final answer and I NEED something concrete to look forward to iyswim?
Agree you are both under a lot of pressure and you're probably upset to about your MIL but are left holding the fort. He might be up to his armpits with his Mum even though she seems stable, which is why he might not have text back. Try to make the most out of your Mum's help too
Horribly situation Puss.
He's probably feeling torn - wants to come home to you and DS, but also wants to be with his mum at this stressful time. And I doubt he's feeling terribly calm so even though he probably knows you were stressed, he's probably thinking, "I am being a bit mean, but there's so much going on here and i just want her to tell me it's 100% okay and that she's not going to be unhappy with DS alone if i stay for a bit longer".
I agree with DDF - send him a lighter text, saying you're sorry because you're stressed and busy but that of course you think he should stay a bit longer with his mum even though you and DS miss him.
THing is, he already knows he has my 100% support to stay longer. I've told him that loads already, I just wanted to know the ticket was sorted etc and his faffing was just
I did send a sort of nice text after saying dont get stroppy!I'm trying to make sure you don't leave it to the last min and wind up not being able to change your ticket which would make your mum that you have to go but I've got no reply to that at all
There's no way either of you can be thinking clearly right now. You're exhausted, stressed, worried about MIL and him so far away, etc. he's missing you and DS, worried about his mum, worried about you etc.
I'm sure he does know it's okay, he just wants to be even more certain. And... I imagine he wants to come home as much as he wants to stay with MIL so he's torn inside himself too. So making a final decision is hard. is it that important to know the ticket is sorted? Assuming you're not the one who has to fix it when it's a disaster down the line?
oh Puss you poor thing, sounds like you're both having a rubbish time. Can you ring him or is he somewhere really remote? Just thinking that maybe two minutes on the phone saying 'sorry, was having a really bad moment, you know I love you and support you staying, but it's doing my head in not knowing one way or the other' could really help?
DP and I growl at each other like this when things are tough, it takes is one of us acknowledging that we are being stressed and grouchy to fix it.
sending you lots of and lovely tupperware.
Aww - thanks LMD - I'm deaf and DH doesn't have e-mail at his mums, hence the text messaging which is ambiguous at the best of times!
Right, I just text him how are things and he text back that his mum has had a cold sweat and has gone to bed and he's as they have had two good days and he's hoping nothing is wrong and he asked how DS and I were. I explained how crappy this am was and how stressed I was and that I was just trying to save him the hassle of scrabbling around for a plane seat last minute as well as sort things here and that I was his mum had improved this am but he hadn't text me back....
So, while I haven't apologised directly, at least I've explained it all....waiting for a reply now...think I've been the bigger person though?
sounds very fair to me. I'm sure he's just really worried about his mum and finding it hard to juggle worrying about her with worrying about whether to come home or not.
I do know how hard it is with a small one on your own, too, so you have my sympathies. Hope you feel better soon
Must be v frustrating having to communicate by text. DH knows you are thinking of him and I'm sure he is missing you and DS too.
Toddler days are exhausting, especially if you're on your own. Take care of yourself
V glad to hear am not the only one that finds toddler days exhausting....I love DS to bits but man, they can drain you...he's at the headbanging stage as well...<sigh>
DS had a monster tantrum yesterday - full lying on the floor thrashing arms and legs. Let's just say I didn't handle it v well...
But then there were some lovely things about yesterday too (esp the 2 hr nap in the afternoon )
Ds doesn't nap any more
we're at the stage where any random thing can be THE WRONG THING.
For example this morning, I put the bowls and spoons out. Cue:
DS: 'Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Not that spooon! Nooooooooooooooooo!'
Me: Which spoon then?
DS: 'Don't want a spoon! Don't want breakfast! Don't want anything!'<<lies on floor wailing>>
Me: Big Sigh.
LMD - totally sympathise! If DS is tired and I even look at him wrong, then its melt down central. His latest thing is bugging my mum's poor cat -he's 21 and just wants to sleep and I found DS trying to shove a pasta shell down his ear today!
oh poor cat! still, you can see how it would be an interesting experiment
He had the mother of all meltdowns tonight about his tea. I nearly left the building.
One day he'll be 25 and a reasonable human being.
Thing is though LMD, when they are good - its soooo cute so it makes up for the crappy bits...DS is still awake...am sharing a room with him at the moment and I'm typing away v quietly with him yelling HELLO through the cot bars....gotta laugh
Excellent! DS was watching Robin Hood (Disney version) today, and when Robin Hood falls in the moat and they're all waiting to see if he comes up again, he said:
"Robin Hood's fallen in the water!" so I said "Oh dear, do you think he's alright?"
And he looked at me as if I was completely stupid and said "No Mummy he's all wet!"
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.