Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

If your DH was having a meeting/lunch with his ex OW would you ?

(72 Posts)
muckypups Thu 16-Oct-08 09:47:27

Ill make this as short as possible but my dh had an emotional affair with someone he works with about 4 months ago and whilst i thought i had closure on it and was happy that its all over and we have fixed our problems, i have found out he has a meeting with her this afternon around lunch time and its eating me up.

As she still works with him I have asked him not to have private meetings with her, if its in his office then the door has to be left open and going out for lunch is a definate no no.

Basically i want to see if he is sticking to those rules as then i may finally have closure on it.

I have no reason to suspect that anything is still going on, but they did become very close and im still hurting from it. He knows how i feel and he knows i still have bad days where i get paranoid (usually a few days before auntie flo visits)

So do i visit the office or not?

ConstanceWearing Thu 16-Oct-08 10:08:39

How did you find out? Did he volunteer the information himself?

I totally understand your desire to nip in to the office to see what's going on. I wouldn't do it though; I wouldn't want to make a tit of myself.

Sorry, probably not helpful at all.

BetteNoire Thu 16-Oct-08 10:10:48

If you trust him, then try and accept that meeting this woman is part of his job.
If you don't trust him - then that is something you and he need to work on.

Don't visit the office.
It would be humiliating to all of you.

muckypups Thu 16-Oct-08 10:12:53

Constance you are always helpfull, you have helped me before on this.

I checked his emails which i do randomly now.

I do often just pop in to say hello (never used to, but since this happened we tend to keep in touch on and off during the day) but its usually in the morning so no one would think it odd of me.

Maybe i could just phone him at the meeting time and ask him if hes around for a coffee?

muckypups Thu 16-Oct-08 10:14:45

betternoire, yes there is a trust issue, i trusted him totallty before and look what happened. I just dont want to be made a fool of.

Snaf Thu 16-Oct-08 10:15:14

Absolutely do not visit the office.

Does he know you know about the meeting? Tbh, since they still work together, if something is still going on then it will happen anyway, won't it? You turning up will make no difference and will only end up humiliating you, probably.

You just have to take a deep breath and trust him, I think.

blinks Thu 16-Oct-08 10:15:59

bad idea.

why didn't he tell you about it? i would think that open-ness is essential, given his previous relationship with this woman...

muckypups Thu 16-Oct-08 10:23:46

No, he doesnt know that im aware of the meeting. He has promised to tell me when he goes off site which he does now so he probably isnt going out for lunch with her. My sensible head tells me its all above board and i know they do have to meet. But that doesnt stop it from hurting sad

WhirlingStirling Thu 16-Oct-08 10:28:08

Having been where you are - The thing that would bother me the most is the fact that he didn't volunteer the information.

I believe that these obstacles can be overcome if both sides help each other through the aftermath of an affair.

I found out, only through using gestapo style interrogation, that my h had had lunch with his ow a few weeks ago. What hurt the most was that he didn't just come home and tell me all about it. The fact it was kept a secret always makes it seem more suspicious.

In your position now, you can either let him know that you know and see what he says or just question him about whether he spends time with this ow anymore and see if he volunteers the info.

He may have said nothing because he knows it will upset you and he feels there is nothing to worry about smile Hope that is the reason.

lucykate Thu 16-Oct-08 10:31:15

don't visit, but maybe ring him just before the meeting and let him know you know about it. ringing during would make it awkward all round, plus if there are others also at the meeting will be very unprofessional. but i think you need to tell him you know, it will be written all over your face (they anxiety of wondering what happened, i mean) when he gets home anyway.

ConstanceWearing Thu 16-Oct-08 10:31:55

I don't really know how you could say this without it looking like you are snooping, but I think total honesty is the best policy. If he had made you aware of the meeting, perhaps you would feel less nervous about it?

As he didn't tell you, you might think he is still sneaking around, whereas his reason for not telling you may simply be that he didn't want you to worry, iyswim.

Is there any way you can tell him you know about the meeting, and then ask if in future he could be perfectly transparent in his dealings with her, so that you don't end up feeling 'paranoid' (sorry! hate that word, but you know what I mean, I'm sure).

muckypups Thu 16-Oct-08 10:40:45

I know he hasnt told me as i would be upset about it and worry all day.
I have handled the situation very well and had no issy fits or contacted her iyswim. We have all even been in the same room together and we just acted as if we didnt know on another, it wasnt easy and i kept going off to the loo for some deep breaths but it was a hurdle i got over. In a way its becuase i understand why he got close to her, things were not right at home, but as ive said we have worked on that and things are now really good and we are close again.

But when it happened that pain was un bearable and im petrified of going through that again, i just cant handle it. So thats why i have this burning desire just to check up on them. i wouldnt make a scene, i dont have the energy.

Maybe ill just do the phone call. I know the meeting is just with her alone and no one else

CountessDracula Thu 16-Oct-08 10:46:00

bloody hell
what is all this suggestion of tip toeing around

I think you should read him the riot act
He has betrayed your trust and now he is still sneaking about behind your back.

If I were you I would want to know every time they met!

muckypups Thu 16-Oct-08 10:46:15

i just feel so sick with it, i have this pit at the bottom of my stomach.

Some days i feel as if it just would be easier to be on my own. I trusted him so much and i feel so let down, but as i said it wasnt all his fault. And im positive it didnt go any furthur that cosy chats but that doesnt make it any less hurtfull.

Whirling do you still have days like this? Is it normal for me to feel this way?

By the way my period is due so i know im more emotional now thats why im trying my hardest to be rational.

ConstanceWearing Thu 16-Oct-08 10:49:30

Do whatever makes you feel most secure. As it doesn't look like you're the 'toys out of the pram' type, I'm sure you will do it delicately. Hope you feel better afterwards.

Horrible situation to be in, but you are a strong lady, if you are willing to work through this. One day at a time, eh?

muckypups Thu 16-Oct-08 10:59:52

Thank you Constance. What ever i decide it will be done with dignity. Him having a meeting with her is not the problem, i just want to check they are not off site together.

Ive decied if his car is on site at the allocated time then its fine, ill just take a little drive by.

And yes, one day at a time, or today it seems like one hour at a a time grin

blinks Thu 16-Oct-08 12:22:24

i think you're a tad in denial... you shouldn't feel the need to do a 'drive by' as he should have informed you of this meeting.

i would be gravely concerned that he is omitting such an important thing and would consider this a huge betrayal.

you seem so preoccupied with behaving in a dignified fashion that you're not seeing the wood for the trees.

blinks Thu 16-Oct-08 12:25:32

i would wait and if he didn't tell me about seeing her before the end of the evening- i'd turf him out.

you'll be forever checking up on him if he's behaving like this. that pit in the stomach feeling won't go away.

LazyLinePainterJane Thu 16-Oct-08 12:26:56

It seems strange to me that the most important thing in this situation is that you behave correctly, are not seen to a woman who is out of control, "throws her toys from the pram" or spies on her DH.

He cheated on you!

Of course you don't have 100% trust in him, and to suggest otherwise is bizarre.

Did you not discuss him working elsewhere? I would be outraged that he did not tell you of this meeting as he should see that openness is the only way forward.

As for all the "it wasn't all his fault" denial that seems to be going on....well, you weren't the one having an emotional affair and you seem quite content on taking your share of the blame. Is he happy with that?

ajandjjmum Thu 16-Oct-08 12:32:35

Can't you phone him for a chat just before the meeting is due, and ask what he's got on for the rest of the day?

WhirlingStirling Thu 16-Oct-08 12:41:05

Definitely Muckypup, I have days like you said - where I think that being on my own is preferable to this doubting everything and being suspicious. I have never been a suspicious person and I dont like what this affair has done to me. It has changed me for ever.

When you get past today, you need to seriously make your dh see what not telling you about these meetings does to you. He must be transparent in his dealings with her so that you can trust him.

Ask him to turn this around - If it had been you getting closer to someone and then you met them but didn't tell your dh, what would he think??

Be strong smile

CountessDracula Thu 16-Oct-08 12:49:41

Hope you are ok

REally, you can't just sweep all this under the carpet for an easy life

It will come back and bite you on the bum later

Squitten Thu 16-Oct-08 13:08:07

Muckypups - I know exactly how you feel. My DH did the same thing but it's even better - the woman is his business partner! All of your posts could have been written by me - I know the awkwardness of being all together, etc, the secret checking up on him.

I think you know deep down that the issue here is not whether he is having a meeting with this woman - the issue is whether you trust him. It is tempting to make it all about this woman - if you can just seperate him from her, everything will be ok. It won't.

Do you think he is betraying you again? The answer to that question is yes or no. Depending on what that answer is, there are different options.

If the answer is yes, then you have to question the fundamentals of your relationship. I get the impression that you don't really think he is doing anything wrong anymore, but you just crave proof of it for your own peace of mind. That's all very well for now, but will he ever be able to prove himself to your satisfaction? At the end of the day, you have to accept that unless he leaves his job, this woman will always be around and you can't spend your life spying on him, can you? Things will only work if you can put this episode behind you and move forward in trust.

Obviously, he should not have anything to do with this woman outside of a strict working relationship - for no other reason than out of respect for you. Saying that though, you have to stop checking up on him. If you are going to start to trust him, you must allow him the benefit of the doubt - it's horrifically hard and you will hate it, I know. But what is the alternative? Check up on him forever? You have to start to move forward positively and rebuild your bridges.

I didn't intend to sound harsh or critical here, so apologies if it sounds like a lecture!! I really do sympathise and I know how difficult this is - trust is such a fragile thing and it is so very difficult to get it back.

I hope that some of the above might be of help and that you can find a way through this

coppertop Thu 16-Oct-08 13:31:38

I think your dh lost his right to automatic trust when he had the affair. From now on he needs to prove to you that he can be trusted. That's not going to happen if he's still hiding things from you, especially when it involves meeting the OW. If this meeting is a private one then he is breaking the rules you set him and needs to know that there will be consequences.

muckypups Thu 16-Oct-08 14:30:38

All is well with the world again. the meeting got cancelled via e mail as Dh is too busy and they are re schedualing(sp) for next week along with another manager. I feel so much better now. I think you all have had some very valid points and i much appreciate them.

Whirling i know what you mean about this changing you. Im not the same person, a little hardened now which is a shame. I feel very sad that DH has let me down, i feel so dissapointed in him and that our marriage is not a pure as i thought iyswim. Im not as bad as i used to be with the checking up on him, i only check his phone once a week maybe and e mails even less. So i must be getting to grips with it as it is becoming alot easier.

I know trust is the issue here and coppertop is right saying he lost that right, especially when i found a love you text from the ow on his phone. Its not going to be easy building up that total 100% trust again and i dont think i ever will.

Sqitten im so sorry you have been through this too. it sucks doesnt it. I dont think he is betraying me again at all but that doesnt mean i can trust him immediatley again. he is earning the trust back but i have bad days, as i said before im just scared of going through it all again but im sure if we keep on working at it and keep the communication open then we will be fine.

Lazyjane, i feel that if i threw a paddy, made a scene what ever then she has won. I cant let her see that she has affected our lives. I think the biggest revenge is letting her know that she has not destroyed us. Im angry with Dh but im also angry with her. She knew us, she knows we have four kids and she took advantage of my dh by being his shoulder to cry on, flirting with him and being this perfect image. We have discussed him leaving and its something he is looking into at the moment.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: