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Hope you are having a better Mothers Day than me

(25 Posts)
spagblog Sun 06-Mar-05 08:46:48

Can't be bothered to change my name for this.

It all started last night when DH said, Oh I don't think of you as a mother. I looked at him quizzically and he said I haven't got you a card...sorry.

Anyway, this morning he got up to watch motor racing and he likes to be undisturbed whilst this is on. I stayed with the kids in the bedroom and watched TV. We got up to have breakfast and I popped my head around the door and he said "Make me a cup of tea?"
I thought yeah, Happy Mothers Day.

DD tried to go in the room with him and I coaxed her out and tried to amuse her in the kitchen, but she kept playing up and it escalated into tears at which point I got cross. She ran into the living room and DH screamed that he couldn't hear. Words were exchanged he roared at me and called me a bitch infront of DD. We went up to her room and eventually he came up and asked what was going on, I tried to get him in another room but he wouldn't budge and told me he wanted to rip my head off.

Basically it ended up with him upsetting the kids and telling me he wanted a divorce (I said fine) he has gone off to sit in the office.

He has never got violent with me but always threatens it when he goes ballistic. He can't control himself to do all this out of the kids hearing. I have told him in the past to never call me names in front of them, but clearly it goes in one ear and out the other.

I am sure the marriage can be saved, but really - do I want to be treated this way?

Just for the record, he didn't bother with mothers day last year either as he was away on a course

Beetroot Sun 06-Mar-05 08:56:07

Message withdrawn

jabberwocky Sun 06-Mar-05 08:57:15

Oh dear, it sounds as if there is a lot of underlying hostility there with your dh. Have you ever tried counselling with him? Or just on your own?

rickman Sun 06-Mar-05 09:03:15

Message withdrawn

spagblog Sun 06-Mar-05 09:27:27

I don't think he would go for councelling. We discussed it when a friend was going through similar with her DH and he said he wouldn't do it as it was a waste of time.
He is cutting down on smoking so has nicoteen withdrawal. He is a complete b@st@rd when he trys to give up smoking.
At least he is out for the day. Mum is coming over this afternoon so I can give her her card.
It just occurred to me, I have never spent mothers day in his company. The first one when DD was very little he got me a card but I was upset that he didn't make me tea or breakfast that we had a row and I went off to my parents. Last year he was away and this year...Oh well.

Beetroot Sun 06-Mar-05 09:39:03

Message withdrawn

spagblog Sun 06-Mar-05 09:57:22

Yeah, it's work, or money or just life in general. Cutting down smoking just gives his moods a nasty edge.
Part of me thinks we should split up because I deserve better, but then part of me says that it is selfish to split the family up because the grass may be greener.
The only thing that makes me cry is thinking how this will effect DD, she thinks the sun shines out of his arse

bathmummy Sun 06-Mar-05 09:57:30

So sorry spagblog. Just found this thread.
On my first mothers day as a mum I had spent the previous night up with sick baby all night. I was mightily tired and angry that DH was working through night (home office), not helping with DD as too "busy" with work and then slept all morning when i really needed support. I knew he needed sleep but the work wasn’t urgent, he just hates clearing up vomit (so do I). Ended up having a huge row in the afternoon when he finally appeared, he literally threw a new cook book he had bought me (already had a copy) and said something like "here’s your present. I can’t be bothered to wrap it up and don’t think you deserve a mothers day as all you have done is moan and wind me up..." I was distraught. Was so tired and miserable and had looked forward to the day for so long - cup of tea in bed, being pampered, being told that I was doing ok as a mum etc. etc. Just after a bit of attention and reassurance that I was doing ok, ended up just feeling crap. Took DD out for the rest of the day just driving around too embarrassed and upset to see anyone and shops already shut. Men can be crap at times. He has never apologised and have never looked forward to a mothers day since

Amberlilli Sun 06-Mar-05 10:00:49

From a totally objective point of view-which is easy when reading your plight on a computer screen, I'm sure there are lots of women out there saying, "kick him out!!"
You and your little ones deserve to be treated better than that.
He sound like a bully.
By the sounds of it I don't think councelling would work.
If I were you I'd take myself off with the kids to my mum and pour my heart out.
Let him cool off, perhaps talking it over with someone close who can offer more practical support will put things in a better perspective.
You must love him if you think the marriage can be saved- but it doesn't sound like he is worthy of your love.
I don't know anything about you so i don't want to be judgemental in any way.
I have been divorced and a single mum so I know it isn't easy. i am sending you a big supportive hug I do hope your day improves!

Lonelymum Sun 06-Mar-05 10:07:19

Spagblog, my sympathies. I received nothing today either though to be honest, I don't expect to receive anything from dh, but it would be nice if he organised the kids to give me something. Also, dh is ill this w/e so I am not cross with him at all. Also my dh is obsessed with motor racing and got up early (despite his illness!) to watch the Grand Prix. He also likes to watch in complete silence, it is a real bugger trying to keep the kids quiet isn't it? Perhaps your dh should do what mine does: record the race on video. At least then he can stop it whenever he wants (though that seems to lead to my dh watching it on and off all day!) Could your dh do that? (although if he is like mine, he will complain that nothing equals watching the race live).

As for calling you names in front of the kids (or not in front of them for that matter) nothing excuses that. Tell him in no uncertain terms he is not to do that again. Whatever the situation he is going through, that is uncalled for and he needs to know that.

thedogmother Sun 06-Mar-05 10:33:56

spagblog, sorry the day's not turning out the way it should.

jangly Sun 06-Mar-05 10:37:43

Spagblog - All is not lost, the day is far from over. Just have a really nice time when your Mum comes this afternoon - three girls together and never mind about him! Have you got a nice cake. If not perhaps nip out for one? Have a nice rest of the day.

jangly Sun 06-Mar-05 10:39:31

Deal with the rest of it another day.

spagblog Sun 06-Mar-05 10:57:58

Thanks, although I don't fancy cake. I keep being sick...stress I suppose.
Mum and Dad are coming over briefly, but we don't have the sort of relationship where I can have a good moan.
I don't suspect they like him very much to start off with. I don't know if I should tell them what went on.

prettyfly1 Sun 06-Mar-05 16:47:53

best not,

really sorry to hear that you are having a crappy day. It sounds like he is a bit of a selfish so and so really. What do you do for fathers day? how about not doing it and see what he says. Bad or abusive language in front of your children is damaging and unacceptable. Its also not fair on you. Dont know what to suggest you do but i do know you must do something to resolve that situation. Your children may think the sun shine out of his rear now but how long will that continue. Do you have a friend who could maybe watch the kids for a couple of hours so you can have a break from it and just enjoy a well deserved cup of tea?

I really hope things get better for you. Big hugs

p.s i must say he sounds like he threw what was a very extreme response for an average day in most families - does he do that often, if so then perhaps the others are right to discuss your future with him not there. By threatening violence he is using the same kind of control mechanism as if he actually hit you. You sound like a lovely person and a good mum. Whatever day of the year it is that shouldnt be happening to you.

shimmy21 Sun 06-Mar-05 17:03:56

Loads of sympathy with you and just a thought...

Sometimes I think we expect blokes to understand our emotional needs a bit better than they actually do and a little help can work wonders. i found my dh actually needed explaining in very straightforward terms that he was actually supposed to do something about mothers day for me. He had genuinely assumed that until the kids were old enough to do something off their own bat nothing would be done. i explained (with the help of quite a lot of post-natal tears) that although it was ridiculous/commercial/sentimental and unneccessary I still needed a little effort because as an emotional female I can't help setting a bit of store by it. He's never forgotten since (This year I had to make the same speech about Valentines Day though!) I know it's not going to help your day today but maybe next year you could help with some advance preparation?

KoalaBear Sun 06-Mar-05 17:23:49

spagblog - re your comment on him giving up smoking

as my brother says to his six year old, feeling bad is no excuse for acting bad

hope you day improves - hug

Amberlilli Sun 06-Mar-05 19:12:27

how did the rest of the day go?
Have things cooled down?

80sMum Sun 06-Mar-05 19:35:02

Oh, spagblog poor you . No-one should have to put up with being spoken to like that. How awful for you. There is absolutely no excuse, none whatever, to shout such abuse at you. I do hope the rest of your day was better.

Whizzz Sun 06-Mar-05 19:37:22

Spagblog - hope things are a bit better now
Mothers Day is over rated anyway. Keep smiling (I'd have pulled the fuse on the TV !)

biglips Sun 06-Mar-05 19:49:17

oh Spag - hope everything is ok now? but he shouldnt speak to you like that whether it is in front of the kids or not.....

Wills Sun 06-Mar-05 22:08:18

Oh honey - haven't read all messages only yours at the start. I have a chest infection and feel like shit - but it pales into insignificance when I read a story like that. No excuse for him. Leaving him would be bloody hard work emotionally short term but possibly enormous rewards long term. Will look out for you and sending you hugs. Soon your kids will be able to mother's day on their own and even though the gifts are not as expensive they're are far more precious.

CountessDracula Sun 06-Mar-05 22:29:27

OMG what a pig Exactly WHY would one need to hear motor sport? Not exactly know for it's great soundtrack is it?

I would tell him you want to go to counselling if I were you. And as for not bothering with mother's day, unforgivable.

spagblog Mon 07-Mar-05 09:40:12

Thanks for all your kind messages. I don't know where I would be without MN [wobblysmile]
DH came home 5 mins before my parents popped round and closetted himself in here with the PC...grrrr.
After the parents were gone he came in and did a half hour long spiel about how shit his life was and listed all the things that irritated him about me, but said that his earlier actions were inexcusable.
I just sat there and listened, tried to answer the objections as calmly as possible and then got on with my day.
He thinks that this sorts it all out. I can't forgive him for being so self centered, but you are right shimmy21. I don't think he has a clue. I buy him a card and get DD to draw him something, but it only gets a quick glance. A mug we bought him one year is still in it's box in a cupboard.
I don't think he understands how I feel about it.
When I feel like talking to him I will endeavour to make him feel as guilty as hell.
I would just like to be made to feel special that's all.

HappyDaddy Mon 07-Mar-05 09:52:46

Sorry to hear about your situation. He's an a**ehole and you're a saint. He doesn't like to be disturbed during F1? Well, I'm sure you don't like being made to tip toe round him and endure that kind of rubbish but we don't all get what we want, do we? Sounds like you'd be far better off without him but it's a big and scary step to take.
I'd offer a hug but your dh might get jealous!

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