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it serves me right for looking. now don't know what to do next

(19 Posts)
errrrr Wed 15-Oct-08 09:43:28

DH and I have been having a few issues recently - some around an insecurity I have about his keeping his mobile on silent, never letting it out of his sight (even in the loo, for heavens sake) - standard stuff on these pages I realise from reading other threads! Some are down to the tetchiness that having two kids under three inevitably provokes.

I tried to have things out on Saturday but got stonewalled and he's been more distant than ever. Just yesterday he had a load of work dumped on him and he was due to be at a conference today. I persuaded him that he couldn't go to the conference and this seemed to put him in an even worse mood. So... I looked at his sent texts. His text of apology to his colleague read 'sorry I feel too uncomfortable about tomorrow... I will try to make it up to you'.

Now I don't know what to do. I'm not proud of having snooped and don't want to do it again. But I also feel I'm being made a fool of and my attempts to be open aren't working.

I'd really appreciate some advice.

Thanks

mumoverseas Wed 15-Oct-08 09:51:59

oh dear, am very sorry that you must be really stressed about all this. You have to talk to him, you never know, it might be 'quite' innocent but until you confront him, you won't know. He won't be happy that you've snooped, but at the end of the day, his behaviour with regards to his phone is more than a little bit suspicious. If my DH was doing that, I'd have checked too. I'm not an expert on relationships but its clear you do have to talk and the sooner the better otherwise you will be stewing! Good luck x

gingerninja Wed 15-Oct-08 09:53:23

It could be genuine? Personally I'm not sure you should have persuaded him not to go to the conference. Let him make decisions about his work and then only he can be responsible for the outcome.

I'm sure there are people better place than me to give advice on your relationship but perhaps if you give a little detail as to the type of problems you're experiencing and your (both of you) reactions and attitudes, it might help people make suggestions.

gingerninja Wed 15-Oct-08 09:56:43

If he has a very stressful job though and is hounded by work constantly I don't think the phone thing is that odd. I'd be on edge if I was struggling to hold it together with a massive work load and being constantly hounded by telephone calls.

I work as part of an on call team for out of office hours stuff and on those occasions my phone is glued to me and I get so irritated by the messages and phone calls that when my DH asks what's going on I usually pass it off, primarily because I don't want it taking up any more of my time than necessary.

Is there anything else that suggests anything untoward?

Hassled Wed 15-Oct-08 09:57:31

I would do nothing at this stage. I would be as suspicious as hell - I can't come up with any scenario whereby that text is innocent (although there probably is one), but until you have more evidence you can't confront him.

And spend the time while you wait thinking about what you want to happen with your marriage - would this be the tipping point (assuming he has been straying) or do you think you could get past this? The confrontation will be easier if you have it clear in your own mind what you want to happen. I'm really sorry anyone has to deal with this shit.

CountessDracula Wed 15-Oct-08 10:00:55

I can entirely see how this could be innocent

If he had agreed to go to this conference maybe his colleague had to step in and go instead of him. He could just be apologising for that and saying that he will return the favour some other time.

blinks Wed 15-Oct-08 10:13:06

call the colleagues number from phone box to see if it's a woman?

LaDiDaDi Wed 15-Oct-08 10:14:43

I agree with Countess, I would not reveal that you had been snooping over a text like that tbh.

errrrr Wed 15-Oct-08 13:19:59

Thanks to all of you. The variation in replies underlines my uncertainty.

In response to some of the questions - it is a woman. Not one he'd mentioned before. The two had been due to go together but he pulled out with that text. TBH it made me wonder if there had ever been a conference because he had been hazy about it and his text makes no mention of it. He's not bombarded with work calls outside office hours - his phone use on evenings and weekends (and in the loo) is entirely personal.

I could try to talk to him again but I got nowhere on Sat and he's clammed up more since.

As for what I would do if my suspicions were confirmed, I suppose I'm so worn down by his moodiness and feeling like a fool that I'd just like a break. I'd probably calm down a bit eventually (two kids means I can't just pursue a strop!).

Sorry if this isn't very coherent - I'm not really thinking straight at the moment.

Thanks again for responses

lulabellarama Wed 15-Oct-08 13:28:36

I really don't wish to be blunt, but when I was cheating on my ex-partner I told him I was going to off-site training or conferences on a few occasions to cover the fact that I wouldn't be in the office.
Of course I can't say that this is what your husband is doing, but I think you definitely need to pursue this further.
Snooping makes you feel horrible, but when you are unable to get him to talk then it is your only viable way of moving things along. Unfortunately it may move things in a direction you are not happy with.

I hope you find some answers.

hugs

Ummm Wed 15-Oct-08 13:31:13

When you checked his sent messages did you also check his incoming and outgoing calls?

How did you get his mobile if he never lets it out of his sight?

errrrr Wed 15-Oct-08 13:38:30

There was an unguarded few minutes as he bathed the children last night.

I didn't check phone records because I didn't think I'd have time. Plus I felt pretty uncomfortable looking at the texts and wanted to get out asap (though I'm now wondering if I shoudl have done looked harder).

Ummm Wed 15-Oct-08 13:41:12

What would happen if you asked to borrow his mobile for some reason, eg. to text a mate cos yours wasn't working?
I think the way he reacted to something like that would be very telling.

CountessDracula Wed 15-Oct-08 13:47:24

Can you try and engineer some further unguarded moments?

Send him out for some milk
hide his mobile so he can't take it with him for eg?

blinks Wed 15-Oct-08 13:53:36

i doubt there's any way of finding out for sure without appearing nosey and snooping but if your gut is telling you that then there's a good chance something is untoward...if not then at the very least, you two have trust issues.

no-one on MN can tell you what to do and there is no easy way of handling this so you're in a tricky situation BUT with this text and his behaviour, you're in no way being unreasonable to be worried and looking for answers. after all, a "conference" is the oldest trick in the book.

MascaraOHara Wed 15-Oct-08 13:57:55

take him oput get him drunk, let him think you are drinking more than you are.. wait till he passes out falls asleep and then go through every area of his phone

calls received
calls made
texts in
texts out
photo files as wella s other storage directories on there

also open one of his phone bills 'by accident' one day when opening the post

don't say anything yet.

morningpaper Wed 15-Oct-08 13:59:44

Well his text could be explained by him having to dump his conference work onto someone else

I agree, don't stress yet

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 15-Oct-08 14:42:22

errrrr,

Worst case scenario here is that he has embarked on an emotional affair with this woman collegue.

On a wider level when have you ever both had any time together to talk properly and not just about the bills etc?. Is it at all possible for you to leave the children with someone like grandparents so that you two can talk further and without interruption?.

I would sit him down when the two of you are alone and make a general comment about him being more distant recently and ask whether there a problem he'd like to share with you?. Do not accuse or raise your voice at all to him.

nomanworthcrying4 Wed 15-Oct-08 17:41:41

Sorry to be gloomy but what you have said about your DH antics with his phone have reminded me about what my (soon to be) ex was like.

Unfortunately he was having an affair. I confronted him when I found he was taking his phone into the toilet. I also checked his phone and he had texts to his PA saying 'can you talk' hmm

He lied and lied, denied everything. Unbelievably, he still didn't admit anything until the ow turned up on my children’s holiday with him - even then he tried to say nothing was going on!

I have found this not to be unusual even when confronted with undeniable evidence.

Has he started going out more with work? Do you accompany him to work do's? Can you meet him at work so you can get a look at this ow?

I really really hope he is not carrying on and as you said it’s just paranoia setting in. Stress at work can make them act differently. Maybe you can speak to him about being concerned he may be stressed? Ask him to try and see it from your point of view.

Obviously you know what type of man he is and whether he can express how he feels to you. If not would he look at going - maybe jointly to a therapist?

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