Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why do they do it?

(12 Posts)
MrsSnape Tue 14-Oct-08 21:23:41

I'm getting totally fed up. I decided to give the online dating thing another go but it seems I'm just being constantly messed around. For instance I was talking to one bloke for ages and he seemed really nice, as soon as I mentioned the DC's that was it...never heard from him again.

Another one sent me a message and I didn't have time to reply straight away...a few hours later he sent an email saying "you looked at my profile, you could have at least said Hi...sorry to have bothered you" hmm so I sent him a message saying "sorry, didn't have much time earlier. How are you?" and I got a really happy reply back saying "great thanks, how are you?" so I answered again...being all friendly and never heard from him again!

The last one has me really puzzled. He sent me a message ages ago and emailed back and forth a bit and then all of a sudden he went quiet. I left him alone until last week I received another email off him saying "I havn't heard from you for ages. I'm worried I frightened you away, if you are not interested that is ok but could you at least tell me why? I'm not sure if my last message got to you, I don't want to be a pain but I'd be really grateful if you could just send me one more message to let me know, either way" shock so i replied and explained that I didn't get his last message and sorry he thought I wasn't interested etc and then he sent back a HUGE reply, going into detail about his life, going into conversation, asking me things etc...I replied in a similar fashion and have not heard from him since!

Is it me? what am I doing wrong? I'm starting to get tired of the whole thing sad

misi Tue 14-Oct-08 22:16:44

as a bloke, I get this too, the quirks and idiosyncrocies of dating except online you don't have to sit in a pub/club/restuarant for the rest of the night wishing you weren't there!!

my example though....
I prefer to get to know someone over a few emails and do get a bit put off sometimes when I recieve a life history as that way it is more like ''real dating''. years ago, I was on a dating site and I messaged one lady who replied a few times in a vague manner then sent me an extremely long e mail with her life history. I told my mate about it (not the detail) and he said he had something similar. we compared notes and found that we were in contact with the same ''lady'' who had sent us identical e mails.

some blokes without children of their own will not be interested in ladies already with children, they don't understand the joy they can bring and can often think of kids only as complications, therefore not a man to pursue really.
you are probably not doing anything wrong, it is difficult but then again real life dating of people you don't know can be difficult too, wheres yentyl when you need her? grin

mumoverseas Wed 15-Oct-08 06:29:09

You are not doing anything wrong. Don't give up, as with everywhere, ie pubs, clubs etc, there are always those men/women that give off confusing signals.
I signed up to a dating website 3 1/2 years ago after my friend suggested going on it for a laugh. I communicated with a few people, met one who seemed lovely online but was a complete twat and then connected with a guy who seemed lovely. We emailed for a few days then he phoned me and we spoke on the phone for 3 hours (bearing in mind he was phoning from 3,000 miles away, it was an expensive phone call, thankfully for him!) I made it clear I had two children and although he didn't have any, it didn't put him off. After the first phone call we talked about meeting and I told my friend I knew I'd either hate him within 5 minutes of meeting or would marry him. I married him 5 months to the day after we met, just over 3 years ago and we are now expecting our second child together.
Keep looking and you'll find him!
p.s. Misi sounds very understanding and sympathetic! Maybe try to find him on the website????

Kally Wed 15-Oct-08 09:59:02

Some of these guys just whisk thru and act as if they are Argos'ing it.

I am presently seeing a guy (just as a friend) right now, one that I met on the net. He's sweet, we have lots to talk about daily, we meet now and then and go out mooching shops and for coffee. No romantic undertones.

Thing is, I discovered that the dating site had been deducting a continual payment thing, so after a few weeks I went onto the website to see about cancelling it. I saw I had a load of messages. The most recent was from HIM. Chatting me up as if he didn't know me! WTF??? I didn't confront him about it as I am not emotionally attached to him, but it just shows he's still out there fishing about and for all I know meeting other women. (I knew there was something I couldn't put my finger on, hence the way it has remained statically in the grey zone)... but we still meet and enjoy each others company on a friendly basis.

Another guy who I did go to meet after very intense emailing etc, opted for a 2nd meet, and then let me down telling me I was the 'runner up', (that he had chosen another women to date on a permanent basis) said he has a system where he elected 10 and slowly whittled it down to 5 then 2.... Sod that, the bastard. They have their methods too.

Needless to say, I sharpened up after that... Someone will come along - just keep your wits about you and don't get emotionally attached too quickly. Suss them out.

I have my boyfriend of 18 months, he lives a couple of hours away and we get to meet a couple of times a month. I met him on the net too, but he is special and I adore him. He knows about the other buddy and is at ease about it (as it is truly nothing other than buddy). Sometimes these things clash/coincide, but eventually you'll find that special person.

mumoverseas Wed 15-Oct-08 16:39:30

runner up! cheeky bastard. what an arrogant arse!

misi Wed 15-Oct-08 16:54:49

I was called a silver medailist once.

I found out a woman I was chatting to was also chatting to several other men but apparently my wit and charm were outdone by another when she said she was choosing this other bloke sad she wrote back a few weeks later and said ''as the silver medalist, would you now like to take the winners podium and accept my gold medal?'', I declined grin

turquoise Wed 15-Oct-08 17:06:13

It seems to really go to a lot of these men's heads - because of the scattergun approach most people have of mailing/talking to quite a lot of people, they tend to take it personally and their egos go off the scale.

I've had one or two who I'd had a couple of desultory exchanges with then mail me to say they'd found 'the one' in such patronising, letting me down gently terms that they clearly believed I'd fallen deeply in love with them after two emails. Very annoying - specially when there'd been absolutely nothing in anything I'd written to give them that impression!

To the OP - just carry on being yourself, their shit is their shit and not worth your energy wondering and analysing. Sooner or later a normal person will get in touch and it will all seem natural, just remember that email relationships can get very intense and emotionally intimate quite quickly, only to discover the person you thought you "knew" isn't actually there when you meet.

But then, what do I know, I've given up on it, just can't be arsed.

SylvieSprings Wed 15-Oct-08 17:50:40

I personally do not know how anyone can go through with the online dating. I did give it a go, but felt uncomfortable and withdrew after much deliberation.

Kally Wed 15-Oct-08 18:58:09

Just to add to to this experience, I also met another guy, (who whilst he chatted to me on the site) insisted it wasn't a bother at all (to drive 3.5 hours to meet me). I was dead against distances like that.

So we met and he was very intense and over spilling IYSWIM, and I didn't feel comfortable with him There was no chemistry at all, for me.

So when he got back home, he called and I thanked him for a lovely day (I insisted on paying for lunch etc.,since he had driven all that way) but I said I didn't think it was feasible, distance and everything. He got extremely stroppy with me as if I owed him something. I put the phone down and felt really bad, sort of took it personal, that I'd upset him so. But the thing is, those dynamics were there anyway, all day long as I was with him. Thats why he didn't appeal to me. You have to be so careful and you feel more obligated the further away they live.

That is just another factor to take into consideration if you try to date this way.

I am not dissing it, infact if I needed to, I would go at net dating again, but each bout, you become a bit sharper and read signs a lot better.

BEAUTlFUL Wed 15-Oct-08 20:28:52

Light, breezy and vague is the way to do it! VERY short emails, no more than 2 (shortish) paragraphs. None of this like-for-like business, if he wants to apend his whole night writing you a massive email, that's his lookout, but don't go replying in kind.

Keep it light, light, light. Don't put any effort or thought into it at all! not until you've met them in person. Otherwise there is no point, it'll be a constant stream of "oooh he looks nice, yes good email, yes great email, nothing, nothing, bugger" ups and downs.

I met DH on t'internet, and we spent 2 months exchanging short funny emails before he suggested we met up. I still dated other people in that time.

So, keep busy on the site, do reply but DON'T put too much effort into the replies! Busy nd distracted, that's the way - it makes them MUCH keener to meet you if you give short email replies, and it gets rid of the men who seem happy to just email forever.

Mention your kids in your advert or your very 1st email reply. Wink at men you fancy, don't email them first (it's just better that way round), stay online during busy periods (early evenings & lunchtimes) and don't go on there bon Friday or Saturday nights - seem busy.

Don't get embroiled into IM either, complete waste of time. The less you do, the more eager they'll be to meet in real life which is when you'll start getting to go out on real dates.

Janos Wed 15-Oct-08 22:19:44

IB, you aren't doing anything wrong at all! This happened to me so many times.

Yhere could be a million and one reasons but I can guarantee that it will be absolutely nothing you have or indeed haven't done.

Don'y try to second guess people, it will make your head hurt.

honestfriend Wed 15-Oct-08 22:51:27

I have a close family member who inter net dates and HE gets fed up with the women!
He specifies he doesn't want a step family ( sorry all MNs)but is constantly chased up by women with 6 kids ( so he decides they haven't bothered to read his profile, or think they can "change" him) and he likes to have a couple of emails, a couple of phone chats and then a coffee in a public place.
What he doesn't want is a pen-friend; too many women seem happy to write reams and never meet- as if a coffee is a big risk- when you really do have to meet to see if the chemistry is there.
It is all about numbers- keep it light and if you seem to click, get out there and meet them- it's not a writing exercise- it's about connecting.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now