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MIL is vile....

(16 Posts)
broguemum Tue 14-Oct-08 19:54:00

It makes me sad that my MIL is so thoroughly vile. I wanted to like my in-laws, I really did but I can't and believe me I have tried. MIL is selfish, inconsiderate, demanding, inconsistent, nasty, vindictive, stupid and a raging snob (both social and intellectual).

So, the million dollar question; why do I still feel obliged to have contact with her, to ensure that she sees her grandchildren and to ensure that her son keeps in contact with her and that she is "looked after" at Christmas? Why? Why don't I leave the miserable old bat to reap the benefits of being such a toxic parent?

Anyone else in this sort of situation?

LOVEMYMUM Tue 14-Oct-08 19:57:03

Not in a similar situation, but maybe you feel obliged etc cos you want DH and grandchildren to have a relationship with her and not be the "bad one" by objection to contact.

Well done - it's hard to be the "bigger person".

Am not in same situation, but i found out my SIL perhaps may have lied about why she couldn't help me when LO was born, and i can't be bothered with her any more!, so a big round of applause to you!

Dropdeadfred Tue 14-Oct-08 19:59:41

just don't do it...leave it for Dh to organise and make sure she sees the kids with him and not you grin

FiveGoMadInDorset Tue 14-Oct-08 20:00:24

Vaguely in the same position but FIL, basically DH was very disapponted with him when he supported his sister after we discovered that her husband (she claimed that she didn't know but DH very sceptical about this) forged his signature on a laon form for £24k, he would like to not bother but I make sure that we go up to see them and they do come down here but it is strained and I prefer it if they didn't stay.

broguemum Tue 14-Oct-08 20:05:04

Well, I did once not speak to them for 6 months so I can't claim the higher ground entirely wink. However, in that time I have never stood between the in-laws seeing the DCs.

She is horrible. Some of the things she has done beggar belief and her values systems is beyond me. I'm sure I would be happier if I were never to see her again so why don't I let things take their natural course and stop reminding DH to arrange things and my wish would come true... Why do we sometimes feel an obligation to people we don't like?

Dropdeadfred Tue 14-Oct-08 20:08:28

if your dh isn't bothered then dont bother either
do you really want someone that nasty to have contact with/influence over your dcs?

shootfromthehip Tue 14-Oct-08 20:08:59

I am. My MIL, who I affectionately call the Witch in law, is an odious human being and has very little to do with my DC partly because of her lack of interest, distance and my lack of involvement. I have stopped going to visit her as often as I hate the person that I become around her. I am a worse Mother, Wife and Human Being.

Christmas is now limited to my family. This has evolved over time and was not as a result of a big stand off as I have never confronted her. I have simply opted out.

I send her photos of the kids (we are 400 miles away) and I will get her an X-mas/ birthday pressie as I would for any other member of our family. I will buy presents FOR MY KIDS FROM HER as she very often doesn't bother and I will probably cover for her long term. I do this because I love my kids and my DH. She is a shabby mother, MIL and GM... and yet I continue to ensure that my DH and DC have a relationship with her because SHE is the one who is horrid, not me wink <<smug emoticon>>

broguemum Tue 14-Oct-08 20:23:10

DH feels some sort of obligation but is a bit head in the clouds and won't organise anything without a bit of prompting.

I think what I want to avoid is someone spending the end of their life alone. It would be so sad.

And Dropdeadfred, yes, I do worry about my DCs being exposed to her. She manages to cause chaos within seconds of arriving at our house. I try to be calm and focus on keeping everything on an even keel until she goes again.

It's her values that I really I can't cope with. It makes me so angry - she couldn't be arsed to come and see DD when she was born and was in hospital for 10 days (she lives 20 minutes away) but because she wants to talk about what to do with HER money with DH she has been around twice in as many days... VILE OLD COW.

Why the fuck do I bother?

Dropdeadfred Tue 14-Oct-08 22:35:47

only you can answer that...sad

Sakura Wed 15-Oct-08 01:42:27

My MIL fits the description of yours! I've 'analyzed' mine and believe she has a personality disorder (narcissistic).
Anyhow I believe the reason you are keeping in contact with her is because there is something in us, innately biological, that forces us to believe and respect our elders (usually parents, but after that in-laws, elder siblings etc
I don't see mine anymore. DH takes DD on a Sunday without me, and let me tell you, it was the best decision I have ever made. But it was also one of the hardest. First you get all the judgemental people who don't know the first thing about you or your circumstances. Then you get the rift it causes with your husband because in most mens eyes their mothers are untouchable and its the wives that are causing the problems. Finally you get all the bad feeling that goes on then and you get marked as "pariah" in the eyes of the in-laws. The only one of these that upset me was the rift with DH. We got over it though and now I feel FREE! She was like a bloody iron chain around my neck and I felt like I was dragging her around on my shoulders, because she expects that. I had a newborn but I felt like I had to look after her needs as well as my baby's. I don't know when I was supposed to look after myself.
ANyway, I think if you do go for some arrangement like I did, where DH takes your children without you, then you won't regret it. And its guilt free too because she still gets to see her grandchildren. My MIL made it very clear anyway that I was some kind of unecessary barrier that was blocking her path to her beloved son and grandchild hmm She clearly didn't understand why DD and DH thought anything of me at all, because in her world she is top dog.
Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide...

mumoverseas Wed 15-Oct-08 07:11:46

mine is not completely vile but can be quite thoughtless at times. It was mine and my husbands second marriage so we didn't want a big fuss, just a small ceremony in a lovely castle with a few close friends. Invited 10 people and of course his mum and dad and my mum. My mum was in hospital the day before and still made it to the wedding, travelling 1 hour in a taxi. His dad was a bit unwell and therefore his mum decided she was not going to come even though we'd arranged a car for her. Very hurtful. They make no effort to phone us and I'm the one who always sends cards/photos and updates of our DD aged two. MIL and FIL haven't sent her a birthday present or xmas present last year. The final straw was when we went to see them at the beginning of September and told them we were expecting our second baby. MIL just made a face and FIL said 'what did you want to go and do that for?' we've not spoken to them since. I think in-laws are sent to try us!

Sakura Wed 15-Oct-08 10:02:00

mumoverseas, she does sound a little bit vile if you don't mind me saying: "What did you want to go and do that for"...shock hmm angry

ReginaFalangi Wed 15-Oct-08 10:22:15

Mine is vile too.

And I keep making efforts, taking the DCs to her and Fil, despite the fact that I cannot stand either of them. However, I will NOT let them look after the DCs on their own.

Dh isn't bothered, he hardly talks to them, hardly sees them (they live about 5 minutes away). He agrees that his mum is a jealous, lying, manipulative, attention-seeking spoilt brat, and

Why do I still make efforts, I don't know. To avoid confrontation I suppose. And yet I physically cringe when she crosses my thoughts.

mumoverseas Wed 15-Oct-08 10:25:25

Sakura, thinking about it,you are quite right, she is an old witch! actually, thinking about it, when she saw our DD aged 3 months she had a shock of black hair and MIL said 'oh, isn't she lucky she hasn't lost her hair like some babies do'. that night, it started falling out. she must have put a hex on her! thankfully it grew back and she now has lovely blonde curls!

broguemum Sat 25-Oct-08 20:20:01

Sakura, I think you are right. We are biologically programmed to care and I can't stop myself trying to make sure she is OK but I still loathe her.

She has phoned up DH about 8 times this week to talk about money and not once has she even asked how her GCs are!! Can you believe it? How can she have such a one track mind? Fuck her bloody money can't she even ask how her GS is? The one with bronchitis? Vile old cow. I wish I didn't care But I do.

SamJohnsMum Tue 28-Oct-08 14:02:51

God, this thread could have been started by me!! I have struggled with my MIL for 10 years now and I thought I was generally dealing with it okay until we announced my pregnancy about this time last year. Her nasty, childish and rude ways nearly ruined what should have been the happiest times of our lives - and, aside from her input, was.

Since the birth of our DS four and a half months ago, she has issued a pathetic apology and I am making an effort for the sake of DH and DS, but I really hate her now.

Sometimes I get frustrated because DH seems to change his mind about her, but really I know it must be difficult for him because he's torn between loving her because she's his mum and disliking the person she is now. His dad is ill - prostate cancer that has probably spread to the bone - and I don't want DH to have any feelings of regret so I shall persevere.

It feels good to say it again though - I REALLY HATE HER!! angry

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