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Starting a physical relationship again - baby is 1 year, does it get easier?

(21 Posts)
MurderousMarla Tue 14-Oct-08 15:29:53

DP and I have really put things on hold for a long time, after a very shaky start to parenthood that nearly broke us apart, followed by sleeping apart - me with DS, DP on sofa.

I am still BFing and I think - hope? - this is partly what is keeping my libido down

Lately we have been actually kissing, snogging rather than pecks on the cheek, and it feels weird, unusual, ad I'm not sure if that's good or not

I still can't imagine actually having sex with him, though I have had a couple of dreams where we have.

It all just feels weird and I suppose I'm after reassurance that this is normal and things might improve, that I might want sex, I know DP does, despite me being two dress sizes bigger than pre-preg, he is fab and says I feel nice and he wants to touch me but a part of me wants to run and not be vulnerable with him

MurderousMarla Tue 14-Oct-08 15:31:41

I meant to change name, whoops.

umberella Tue 14-Oct-08 15:34:31

never mind grin

i am in a similar situation, we really have not nothered with each other like that much since dd came along. so much so that it does feel odd to imagine things being as they were before iyswim!! i think it will get easier- go with the flow and let things happen, you are both still the same people, you just need a little reminding. good luck smile

MurderousMarla Tue 14-Oct-08 15:38:08

Oh thank god you know where I'm coming from

I am grateful that I am not posting like many I've read - that the DP/H pesters for sex and moans about the lack of it since the DC coming along - we sort of agreed not to think about it for a while to try and prevent it being an issue, that was sometime in January!

I find it hard to relax and not think about DS/keep looking at the baby monitor (it shows breathing movement because I'm paranoid) and can't imagine letting go

Oh - is this where I should start drinking again?! I stopped due to co-sleeping but DS is in the cot a lot these days. God a glass of wine helps doesn't it (if memory serves)

MurderousMarla Tue 14-Oct-08 15:39:22

In a way I'm reminded of when we first met - I was not a touchy-feely person at all when I met DP and liked my own space, then we became a sort of velcro-couple, and now I'm back where I started I suppose

WowOoo Tue 14-Oct-08 15:43:35

I found that about a month after stopping bfing I became hideously horny. But it was strange as would not let dh go near my boobs like I used to love. Also kept worring about ds and this was a bit off-putting. You have to turn off the monitor for a bit or go in another room.
Now, 2.5 years on things have got back to normal!! Hope this doesn't depress you.

MurderousMarla Tue 14-Oct-08 15:53:31

No that is reassuring WowOoo (love your name btw) and I don't want him to touch my boobs at all, can't imagine that ever changing to be honest but it doesn't bother me - I don't think he wants to either, unfortunately he's a bit weird about me breastfeeding hmm supportive, but weird.

Vaguely planning to wean DS by around Christmas, when he will be 14 months. I'd love it if he did it of his own accord but he is a real milk monster so I can't see it happening and I can't go on (though in many ways wish I could)

2manychips Tue 14-Oct-08 18:12:29

may I ask have you had any sexual contact at all? I mean do you have to start back with the full works? Your dp sounds lovely and understanding. When I stopped bfing my boobs/nips were much more sensitive than before and I like having them touched more because of that. Maybe you'll find it the same.

MurderousMarla Tue 14-Oct-08 19:54:03

2manychips - not since DS was about 8 weeks old...

DP is great but I think he wants to move fast IYSWIM - I think I just need to know that this, that I am normal and it's okay to feel like this but it doesn't mean I don't fancy him. I love him dearly. I miss him and I miss our sex life. But I am not quite ready for it back yet. Not while I'm BFing/co-sleeping.

Flum Tue 14-Oct-08 20:11:48

Oh blimey a year is ages. I think the only way to get back in the saddle is to erm get back int the saddle - so you have to force yourself. If you wait until you feel like it, it will NEVER happen as you will feel like it on a Tuesday morning when he is at work or something.

Drink half a bottle of wine with dinner and then just go for it. It doesn't matter how crap, uncomfortable or awkward it is, the most important thing is that you do it. After that you can look at improving technique etc.....

You have really got to otherwise....... what? You know what already don't you!

mum2samandalex Tue 14-Oct-08 20:57:04

I was exactly the same with my first and not to worry you but mine and dh sex life didnt get better until ds was 2 and sleeping through and occassionally sleeping out wink.The days of spontanious sex are long gone but thats the price of becoming parents. Alot of it i feel is that especially when bfding you are a mummy first and a wife second. Its hard switching from mummy to lover just like that. I felt knackered and very uncomfortable with dh touching me as it felt wrong almost like my body no longer belonged to him.

Firstly the more pressure you feel the less likely you will want to do it.You need to spend some quality time with dh going for meals etc or for a quiet drink away from baby. Give yourself an opportunity to get dressed up so you feel good about yourself, have time to switch off and relax and be you again.

mum2samandalex Tue 14-Oct-08 21:00:40

Oh if you feel bad about yourself go to the gym or some sort of class excercise is meant to make you feel good plus will help you regain your figure

bumpybecky Tue 14-Oct-08 23:11:14

I think Flum has said exactly what I would!

My libido has never been as high as DH's, now with ds (9mo) it's virtually non-existant I'm also bfing, ds sleeps (very lightly) in the cot next to our bed which means we need to be very quiet!

I know for us it does get better with time (ds is our fourth child), but until then I have to kinda of make myself get interested. I normally find once we get going, it's fine - just need to try and convince myself to get started! Alcohol definately helps!

Good luck

2manychips Wed 15-Oct-08 08:48:47

I think the longer you leave it the bigger deal its gonna become. 9 times out of 10 if I'm too tired or just not in the mood, I give my dh some attention and find it gets me going enough to climb on and have a full session. Glass of wine,bubbly bath together and give it a whirl.

Kally Wed 15-Oct-08 09:29:13

I just wanted to put my 2 penneth in.

My boyfriend, a man of 41, divorced some 4 years, (my boyfriend for last 18 months) told me after his ew had their first baby, she didn't want him near her. So much so that she would hide herself when getting outta the shower/getting dressed etc and kept him at a distance.(Think she had a few problems with things but I don't dig too deeply with it). He put up with this for a couple of years before things fell apart.

She couldn't have had the 'over-devoted mother syndrome' because he kept their DS and has raised him alone after they split.

I just wanted to say - even now when he talks about it - its very hard for him and I can see it hurt him so bad. He said it was so disturbing and so alienating, he took it personal and it still casts a shadow over him in some things.

Sweet, a year is a long long time for your husband, especially if you had a good time before. Get back on the bike , whether you have the urge or not. Do it, relax, drink a couple glasses of wine and get back on that bike. You can do it.

I often think that our bodies go into some primitive auto pilot after having a baby. All the hormones control our sexual feelings so that we don't take our eyes off the ball for a second (ball=baby)... You have to take the steering wheel now and I reckon once those feelings reset the default you are in the monent, you can carry on being glassy eyed staring at baby and seeing nothing else that needs attention.

Go and have some nice re-bonding sex, its the stuff life is made of.

MurderousMarla Wed 15-Oct-08 10:29:43

I do really appreciate the responses but just to clarify, he wanted to put things to one side as well as our son has been such hard work that both our lives were just consumed by him for many many months. If I wasn't BFing him then DP was rocking and holding him. So it is not as though he's been wanting it while I haven't - just that things are changing.

I didn't realise I was such a freak

BEAUTlFUL Wed 15-Oct-08 12:32:31

You are not a freak! my DH and I had the world's best sex life before DS1, and even then it took us a year to get to normal. Honest.

I do think you're going to have to bite the bullet. if it feels too daunting to jump straight in with a rogering, why not have some evenings where you just explore each other & rumpo is definitely NOT allowed? Just take time to sort of stroke, massage, snog, etc, and NO bonking. The simple act of completely banning bonking can make it immediately seem more appealing.

anon786 Wed 15-Oct-08 18:06:58

Sweetheart you are not a freak.

Me and DH took a full year and me stopped bfing before we had any sex life at all (bar one very unpleasant grapple where we were trying too hard and was no good for anyone)

He didn't want it, neither did I particularly, and that on top of him going off it altoghther when I was about 5 months PG. I was starting to think we would never get back to it. However, in it's own time things got back to normal. Probably a combination of DH feeling that I was back to being more woman and less mummy, me feeling that I was more woman and less mummy once I wasn't bfing, DD sleeping soundly in her own room, and things generally calming down a bit.

A friend of ours also helpfully told DH how his wife would inadvertently squirt breastmilk during sex, and I think that thought put DH off for a long time.

Also.. Flum, I have to disagree... don't force yourself at all... I tried that and it was just awful. Try to remain open to the possibility, but don't just grin and bear it if you don't want to. Maybe try something less full on than full sex the first couple of times. Maybe try things out "by yourself" just to feel it all still works before involving your DH.

.. as the great Dorothy Parker said... "I never had bad sex because I never had it when I didn't want it".. and you can't argue with Dorothy.

.. and from one who was in exactly the same situation... it will get better... I'm due No2 in Dec, so it must have got better.

likessleep Wed 15-Oct-08 19:13:23

Just to say, DS is 1 next week, I stopped breastfeeding a month ago. We've had sex 3 times since he was born shock
But, since stopping breastfeeding, I feel again more 'me' and my libido has come back! It is weird, but for me (and it is a very personal thing), whilst breastfeeding, I just didn't feel my body was 'mine' or sexy in any way. Everyone's different, but for me, the urge has returned in the last week or so.
PS I am not advocating stopping BFing, just saying my experience (unless I am a freak too?)

lizziemun Wed 15-Oct-08 19:43:54

I would say if and when you do get back to having sex again make sure you use protection. I only say this because it took me and dh 9/10mths to have sex after we had dd2 unfortunley i got pg again and am now 19wks grin. So once again we have both gone off of sex again.

AnnasBananas Thu 16-Oct-08 13:45:14

What flum said. A year is a long time and if you truly value and miss your sex life you are going to have to 'make yourself' have sex and enjoy being sexual with your husband again. You will enjoy it I mean you used to didn't you??! Brings all the memories back of when if was just you and him, you can reconnect and remember who you were before your little one came along.

It sound like your husband is vey understanding and kind, but to be honest if you continue to keep him at arms length I think the understanding will start to run out resentment will kick in.

You can start put as slow as you like, don't have to be swing off the chandaliers on the first time, why not start with a sexy massage?

We have 2 dd's the youngest is 2 and so we are past the baby days now. And we are making a big effort on both our parts to 'relight the fire'. It's actually very sexy and flattering to know he is thinking about this a lot and excited about me in that way. We're been married for 7 years BTW.

Good luck to you and hope you are happy and looking forward to getting back in the saddle soon.

PS so many posts here in MN from women saying their libido returned after stopping breastfeeding.

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