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Why do women bleat about their men?

(185 Posts)
ManLikeFire Tue 14-Oct-08 12:30:37

Reading through these discussion pages is a rather saddening experience. Page after page of whines, complaints and gripes, all from women attributing their current non-problems to the characteristics or habits of their other half, without a great deal of self-reflection as to why their particular Oprah-esque drama might actually be a consequence of their own choices.

If your other half is lazy, surely you knew that when you picked him? Back in the jurassic era before you produced your offspring, his laidback attitude was probably something that attracted you too him.

If he is terrible with money, it doesn't take a forensic accountant to work that out after a few dates does it? Did you pick him for his miserly tendencies or because he was fun and didn't care too much about material things?

If he has an eye for other women, you can't help but have noticed that early on. It was probably something you liked then, feeling that you'd beat the competition.

You can not have your cake and eat it (although I suspect a number of you do!): you must accept responsibility for the decisions made a long time ago. Of course, if he turns out to be gay, or becomes immensely fat, then I think you have a legitimate complaint, as that was not what it said on the tin when you took your pick.

The bottom line is that when you whinge about him now, you are really criticising yourself for making that choice long ago on the basis of wishful thinking, that you'd change him or that he change when life moved on: "Oh, I'm sure he'll change when we're together or when we have kids." Men do not bank on change - they get together with a woman because they like them at the time (or they can't do any better). They don't then spend a lifetime trying to change them (unless they let themselves go).

Perhaps women should try the same.

CharCharBaGOOOOOOORE Tue 14-Oct-08 12:32:18

hmm So it's all the woman's fault, right? Gotcha.

bellavita Tue 14-Oct-08 12:33:42

hmm

This is all going to go belly-up.

selfevidentnamechange Tue 14-Oct-08 12:34:04

Trip Trap

JodieO Tue 14-Oct-08 12:35:21

Or maybe they weren't like that when they first got together.....

findtheriver Tue 14-Oct-08 12:37:36

LOL Though in all seriousness you make a fair point ManLikeFire.

Your last paragraph sums it up - if you are criticising your partner then actually you are criticising yourself, because you made the choice to be with him, relationships are a 2 way deal.

Of course, everyone has a bit of a moan now and again, that's normal. And very rarely, someone can change dramatically after entering a relationship and having kids, maybe because of a drastic change in circumstances, or some other reason - but this can apply to women as much as men.

I agree that I am sometimes shock by the threads about awful, hopeless partners. Also ex partners, where the mother is complaining about the children having to visit them etc. Been a few of those lately.
I often think...Err.... you decided to get together with him and have kids.. so presumably you thought it was a good idea once? I think some women just need to face it - they made a crap choice.

shootfromthehip Tue 14-Oct-08 12:38:15

You sound like a great catch. Are you available? Coz I really need another -idiot- charmer to add to my collection wink

Rubyrubyruby Tue 14-Oct-08 12:38:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shootfromthehip Tue 14-Oct-08 12:40:06

should be idiot but then again maybe it is more appropriate the way it is?

AMumInScotland Tue 14-Oct-08 12:41:00

I can't help thinking a lot of men (maybe the OP included) would get one hell of a shock if all the unhappy women out there slung them out on their ear instead of trying to deal with the reality of their relationship by sharing their woes on here.

Oh and hmm that you think getting rid of them for becoming immensely fat would somehow be different....

expatinscotland Tue 14-Oct-08 12:41:38

i agree, find.

someone else put it really well on another thread, that those threads about these truly dire partners drove her nuts because the OP gets all this advice and then just lets it all slide.

notpregyet Tue 14-Oct-08 12:43:37

So... if you meet someone when you are both 20 you should expect him to act like a 20yr old when he's 40? or 60?

I do actually agree with some of what the OP says about fundamental characteristics but we do all expect ourselves and our other halfs to grow up somewhat as we move through life and building a family.

NoXmas Tue 14-Oct-08 12:46:04

I think the OP has a fair point and just because she has posted something controversial doesnt mean she is a troll.

I must agree with OP actually.

umberella Tue 14-Oct-08 12:47:32

'ManLikeFire'

<guffaw> grin

titfortwat Tue 14-Oct-08 12:47:49

The thing is we are attracted to men in their twenties when we are in our twenties , but when you move in together and have children then a 40 year old who acts like 20 year old single man is not attractive or fair is it?

ClaireDeLoon Tue 14-Oct-08 12:47:49

'Men do not bank on change - they get together with a woman because they like them at the time (or they can't do any better). They don't then spend a lifetime trying to change them (unless they let themselves go) '

PMSL

Actually - my DP's dad did do exactly that with my MIL. Tried to bully and belittle the poor woman into changing over many many years.

BitOfFun Tue 14-Oct-08 12:48:28

I have never moaned about my DP on here or anywhere else, but I suspect this is designed to wind a lot of people up, and I've been warned to avoid these posts around the full moon!

titfortwat Tue 14-Oct-08 12:48:46

Dadslib is that you wink

findtheriver Tue 14-Oct-08 12:49:07

Absolutely expat.

I just can't be doing with the underlying assumption that somehow women are the passive victims if they have a relationship which isn't what they want it to be. Come on ladies - this is the 21st century! And even us oldies found our partners in the 20th century, not the bloody stone age! Women are just as capable as men are of evaluating a relationship in its early stages, and deciding whether it's what we want. If either partner has particular faults - lazy, dirty, bad with money, not good at commitment - then bloody face up to it, and decide whether on balance you can live with those faults or not! Don't assume that if you turn a blind eye and have a couple of kids, then a few years down the line it'll change - it won't!

I do find some of the views on MN quite patronising in a way - as if women are just the hapless victims of useless men, and that we somehow don't have an equal stake in the relationship.

Anna8888 Tue 14-Oct-08 12:50:41

What a silly OP.

You pick a partner on the basis of potential, on the fair assumption that he will mature over time.

Now, of course, if you actively prevent him from maturing by running around after him and catering to every silly childish whim and then magically expecting him to grow up when you swap your affections to your baby... then you are asking for trouble smile

onepieceoflollipop Tue 14-Oct-08 12:55:29

I do understand that some women find themselves in very difficult relationships, in some (not all) cases due to unwise choices. (I have been there myself)

What I do find frustrating is a few posters (and one or two have now moved on from mnet I think) frequently and regularly moaning about and criticising their dps on here.

And as previous post has said, people give them advice/support (which is what they are asking for) but they don't take any of it and the next day are back telling us about their "tosser" of a partner or other similar description. Often we hear quite personal information about their sex lives or unsavoury personal habits too.

My dh is not perfect, but I feel it would be disloyal to post about his faults on an open forum.

I must stress that some posters I know are in a difficult position (domestic violence) etc and I am not referring to that type of situation in my first sentences.

expatinscotland Tue 14-Oct-08 12:57:38

there is truth in that, find.

there's also a lot of people who will say 'but i love him'.

well, okay then. sorry, but i'm not exactly a font of sympathy or 'support'. because life is a fecking trade-off. people do what works. they make their beds and something's they're not pleasant to lie in but that's tough, isn't it?

so you love the lazy, lying, cheating sack of shit loser adn that's why you stay. okay. then shut the hell up and live with it and quit moaning.

IYKWIM.

prepares for flames.

selfevidentnamechange Tue 14-Oct-08 12:57:49

NoXmas - first post in this name and the name is somewhat neanderthal in nature.

NoXmas Tue 14-Oct-08 12:58:32

I disagree Anna.

I think a lot of women choose men and think they can change them.

'Well he drinks a lot now but when we marry or move in together i will get him to stop.'

'He hits me now but he wont when we have children.' (My best friend!)

'He doesnt want children but when we live together he will change his mind.'

How many women say things like this? Loads unfortunately.

shootfromthehip Tue 14-Oct-08 12:58:44

I think my DH put it so beautifully when I first met him- he was 25 and thought that he was 'all the man I am ever going to be'. hmm

How we laugh about that now. Everyone changes and develops sometimes as a result of being in a relationship. I am certainly not the person I was when DH met me at 19. And thank God for that or I would be truly crap friend, wife and most importantly, parent.

Sometimes people change in ways that compliment each other, sometimes not and THAT is where the issue lies for a lot of the bleating women on here of whom I am proud to call myself one!!!! It's cheaper than a divorce and less drastic than being arrested for beating DH over the head with a leg of lamb.

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