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Why am I so horrible to my DH?

(39 Posts)
BEAUTlFUL Tue 14-Oct-08 09:59:02

My DH isn't perfect, but he's the man I love, we have 2 gorgeous DC and he does everything I ask him to do. Yet, every 3 or 4 months I start instigating arguments with him, about his various failings.

I'm far from perfect but in these arguments you'd think I was Mother Theresa -- it's always about how great I am and how crap he is.

I'm horribly insecure and I think that's the root cause -- I expect him to leave me, so it's almost like I'm forcing it to happen. shock I'm v jealous, paranoid, and obsessed with him! I micro-manage, can't get him out of my head, worry... argh. It's exhausting, and obviously brings out the worst in me. With everyone else I'm light and breezy and self-confident, but with him, eek. It's because I think he is gorgeous. I'm mad about him and secretly think he's too good for me. (On paper he's not, but I love him to bits & dislike myself.)

What can I do? He is patient, but it's as if I demolish our marriage every few months then have to scrabble to rebuild it.

Would therapy help me? Please be gentle!

BEAUTlFUL Tue 14-Oct-08 09:59:57

Does anyone else ever do this? Or is it just me?

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs Tue 14-Oct-08 10:00:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BEAUTlFUL Tue 14-Oct-08 10:04:25

Dad was proud of us but would never say it out loud! Mum overcompensated and told us we were fab all the time, then got annoyed with us & was suddenly strict. Dad had an affair when I was 17, but I think that was a bit old to have affected me? They kicked me out twice (Mum and I had awful, awful rows and she just gor fed up with me) then immediately brought me back home...

Turbulent, you might say, but not HORRIBLY so. My brother is insecure too, though.

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs Tue 14-Oct-08 10:06:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BEAUTlFUL Tue 14-Oct-08 10:07:50

I'm 37, we met when I was 29, married at 31. He is 7 years older.

I do not want to lose him. Fark.

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs Tue 14-Oct-08 10:08:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs Tue 14-Oct-08 10:08:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs Tue 14-Oct-08 10:11:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BEAUTlFUL Tue 14-Oct-08 10:11:34

It's like, as soon as things are calm, I worry that something is going to suddenly happen & end everything... So I start these rows as a way to discover how he feels about me... Then I have to go overboard making it all better afterwards, then feel resentful that I'm the one running round after him, not vice-versa (despite fact that I'm the one who started the arguments in first place)... etc etc.

Shitty tits, this is bad, isn't it. Maybe it's like a horrible test, How Much Can He Stand From Me?

Christ, I'm bonkers. What can I do?? Therapy? Councelling? Help!

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs Tue 14-Oct-08 10:12:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dropdeadfred Tue 14-Oct-08 10:13:48

tell your DH what you have told us...perhaps that will help break the cycle...

MadameOvary Tue 14-Oct-08 10:15:06

Beautiful, am not surprised you behave/feel the way you do. You got mixed messages from your parents, esp your Mum, so you were probably always expecting drama/disapproval. Any sense of security you had was always being undermined so, to go all therapy-speak, it sounds like you are unintentionally recreating the unsettled environment of your childhood. We tend to carry on patterns into adulthhood that are familiar even tho they are not the healthiest.
Hope that makes sense! FWIW, I think you will be fine, esp if your DH knows about your background.

Pokerprincess Tue 14-Oct-08 10:17:02

I haven't posted on here before but I read with interest and this post could have been written by me. We also have 2 DC and are generally happy but I do exactly the same every few months. I think that because I didn't feel good enough and thought that he would leave I would then do everything in my power to prove myself right if that makes sense.

I have been having therapy and it has defintely helped and at least allowed me to not let things escalate to that horrible level when I can't let anything go. I was like a dog with a bone and would follow DP around from room to room harranging him until eventually he lost his temper and fulfilled my need to feel that I was rubbish!
Things are much better and I would advise going to your GP I got six therapy sessions which were great. Good luck, and I am sure that if you can learn to control those outbursts things will be much calmer and you will feel better about yourself. Oh and one final thing, my rants were definitely made worse by PMT and I now have the implant and that has helped too. Good luck and hang in there.

MadameOvary Tue 14-Oct-08 10:17:05

Sorry I meant to say IMO you will be fine with some therapy. If you are open to the process it can be incredible for resolving these issues.

BEAUTlFUL Tue 14-Oct-08 10:18:47

I'll get counselling then. I think you're right, CBT would be good. I'll ring GP and get referral... I don't want to be like this, I want to be calm, and reliable, and stable, and pleasant to be around.

The rest of the time I'm so lovely.

BEAUTlFUL Tue 14-Oct-08 10:25:04

PokerPrincess, I follow him around too! ARGH! My DH is quite quiet, so you should see me, wandering around after him, doing anything to get attention.

Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks.

I've already had my 6 free therapy sessions with the GP's usual therapist, but I'm still bonkers! I have called to make an appt to get a CBT referral instead.

MadameOvary, you are 100% right, I think... Weirdly, as soon as I have made DH lose his temper, I feel very calm. Like, "Aaah, that's better." God.

MadameOvary Tue 14-Oct-08 10:28:21

"It's like, as soon as things are calm, I worry that something is going to suddenly happen & end everything... So I start these rows as a way to discover how he feels about me"

It sounds like you are worried he is going to treat you like your Mum did, leading you into a false sense of calm. Do talk to him, tell him you love him and you want to work at this.

BEAUTlFUL Tue 14-Oct-08 10:28:32

Which implant helps with PMT? I get awful PMT and yes, that is when it tends to happen.

Lemontart Tue 14-Oct-08 10:31:34

Your post reminds me of my eldest DD (7yrs).
Every now and again, when she is stressed or worried about something, life not going her way etc she takes it out on me. It is not just about getting my attention or about checking the boundaries, for her it is more about trying (and failing) to put into words how she is feeling and reflecting all the shitty, impossible to understand fully stuff in her head and dumping it at my feet, knowing I will work her through it. All that abstract negative emotion and feelings suddenly becomes my fault as it is easier for her to give me a hard time that it ever would be for her to come to me and say "mum, I really need you to help me as I feel so bad right now and just don’t know why/what to do to make it all better. I don’t even know what it is that is making me feel this way."
So, she yells about something stupid and "safe" like wanting to play outside for longer instead of coming in for dinner, miles away from the real topic. I yell back, she yells more, I put my foot down, she cries a lot, I try not to cry, we have a cuddle and a chat about what is really the problem and she slowly works her way out of it with my patience and support. It is stressful, horrible, hard to see it for what it is until the day after type stuff.

Does any of that sound familiar to you? Is there a possibility that you are just using him as an available person to work out your negative emotions on, bit like an emotional punch bag, just as a way of dealing with stuff? The thing is, I am her mum and love her unconditionally. I also understand and forgive her as she is a child. This repetitive stuff in an adult relationship is a whole different thing and far more dangerous in terms of possible outcome.

You are not bonkers, but you do sound quite insecure and emotionally quite fragile right now. Perhaps it is not about him loving you and you needing to test it, but more to do with you dealing with your own feelings and using him as a reliable emotional/verbal "punchbag".

I think you need to find a way to talk to him well away from these incidents when you are both calm. Listen and talk, let him be honest with how it feels from his angle and discuss how you can deal with this to make it stop. Perhaps counselling or GP visit is a starting place, depends on your circumstances. Is there a possibility this is linked to depression or hormonal imbalance? I have no idea. However, I do know that you need to speak to your DH and let him know you are aware of what is going on and how worried, confused and upset you feel.

MadameOvary Tue 14-Oct-08 10:34:05

I would suggest psychotherapy TBH. Worked wonders for me as it helped me see the unhealthy behaviours and patterns that had been formed in childhood.

It can be a difficult thing to face but it sounds like you just might be ready for it - you have been quite articulate in describing the problem.

BEAUTlFUL Tue 14-Oct-08 10:52:48

Lemontart, I think I do use him as a punchbag. <hangs head> I get stressed and take on too much, then blame him because he isn't doing 100% of everything at home.

I can't believe he has stayed this long. It's probably not every 3-4 months, more like once a year. Used to be more but I have mellowed a bit and he has learnt to expect that it will blow over & next day I will be contrite and apologetic.

I would love our marriage to be rock-solid, but I keep opening the door for him. "If you want yo get divorced, that is fine, we could do it amicably, maybe we are just not suited..." just to hear him say he wants to stay. sad I'm in floods of tears now! That poor man!

I will definitely, definitely do counselling. Definitely. Definitely, definitely. Have an appt on Monday with Dr.

Is there anything I can do in the meantime? I've already called DH and said sorry for last night's row, and said that I'm going to get some therapy.

BEAUTlFUL Tue 14-Oct-08 10:54:56

Do men like bonkers women? Does he see me as fiery and unpredictable, all passionate & Latin... or just miserably depressing and insane?

ActingNormal Tue 14-Oct-08 11:02:31

Beautiful, reading your posts I am really impressed by how much you do understand why you are the way you are and I think that because you have this intelligence it will all work out ok in the end. Although you understand things, the way you behave is a habit and I agree with the others' excellent advice that the habits come from childhood and you need to be 'reprogrammed'. Therapy or CBT would be really good I think, especially as you are so open to understanding yourself.

eeewahwoowah Tue 14-Oct-08 11:03:29

Beautiful - I think the only thing to do in the meantime is just to be aware of what you are doing and the reasons you might be doing it. Reflect on past experiences, perhaps from childhood, and see if you can draw parallels with how you are now. Try and get some clarity. Why not talk to your brother to see how his insecurities manifest, I wouldn't be surprised if you both act out in the same ways. Anyway, just a thought.

Pokerprincess - can you give us a bit more info on the implant that helps with PMT please. Sounds interesting. Is it a hormone replacement thing?

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