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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

is my husabnd gay

34 replies

wishingmummy · 14/10/2008 00:00

my husband wont make love anymore, he says its because i'm slimey!
then he said he didnt mean it, that he was tired and drunk
but i can't get past it

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solidgoldskullonastick · 14/10/2008 00:07

I don't entirely understand this. Is he suggesting that your personal hygiene needs some work? If so, what has that got to do with his sexual orientation?

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HRHSaintMamazon · 14/10/2008 00:10

you mean your a little too lubricated?

im a tad confused too im afraid. do you want to elaborate

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wishingmummy · 14/10/2008 00:14

i'mbloody confused and its my husband-
not hygene or anything- just slimey, you know-wet!. no-one else has ever complained! i even told an ex, a good trusted old ex, and he thought it was rubbish, but i just feel competely un-womanly now.
in fact ever since i got preganat, he hagone right off sex, or intamacy or anything.

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S1ur · 14/10/2008 00:17

Surely no such thing? Wet is good generally.

I would suggest this about somthing else. You have juist had a baby and that is a lot to take on for you and him. Maybe he is feeling a bit flummoxed about changes?

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S1ur · 14/10/2008 00:18

Why gay as a thought?? have you other reasons for thinking this?

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wishingmummy · 14/10/2008 00:19

my last baby is nearly 3!
i know he's bloody gay.iv'e married a bloody gay man!what the hell do i do now?
i can't go on like this, its been nearly 3 years!

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spookycharlotte121 · 14/10/2008 00:20

Could the pregnancy have anything to do with "fluid" levels??? Maybe he is just finding the whole pregnancy a turn off. Have you tried asking him whats wrong?

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S1ur · 14/10/2008 00:22

How are you so sure he is gay?

What is up?

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MrsMattie · 14/10/2008 00:23

Umm. Oh dear. I don't know if your husband is gay or not. What a horrible thing for hi to say, though.

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HRHSaintMamazon · 14/10/2008 00:25

Is this one statement and teh fact your sex life has reduced the only reasons you have for thinking he may be gay?

surely there are other factors here

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wishingmummy · 14/10/2008 00:27

tried and tried to talk to him. spent the last 2 years trying to talk to him.
he says he loves me, but shows no affection, no intamacy, no nothing. ever since i had the kids its like he is just shut down. he would rather ignore "us" and watch the telly. he took me out once in the last 2 years, unless we have been on a family day out. he's like a stranger. i know h looks at porn, but i obviously just disgust him!

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fortyplus · 14/10/2008 00:28

One of my friends phoned me distraught a couple of weeks ago and offloaded heaps of crap about her relationship. Her dh is about 6'3" and she's about 5' and her dh had said the reason he didn't want to have sex with her was because she had a slack fanny.

I told him it couldn't possibly be true - he was just being a stupid unpleasant arse.

The reason he doesn't want sex is because of the stress in their relationship - he was just saying hurtful things to get at her.

Could that be true of you?

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wishingmummy · 14/10/2008 00:31

the last time he really seemed to be turned on by me, i'd dressed up in his firefighting gear for a laugh( he's a fireman). since then- he only once wanted to do "it" again to have baby number2, luckily i got pregnant 1st go!

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MrsMattie · 14/10/2008 00:33

'slack fanny'

i would have slung the cretin out for that

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fortyplus · 14/10/2008 00:34

I think she came close. He's been better the past few weeks since he curbed his drinking... nuff said.

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Onestonetogo · 14/10/2008 00:35

Message withdrawn

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wishingmummy · 14/10/2008 00:35

its all so fucked up.

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HRHSaintMamazon · 14/10/2008 00:36

can you check his browsing history? if he is looking at porn it may give you a hint.

he may enjoy the fact you dressed up...not necessarily the fact it was in blokes gear.

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S1ur · 14/10/2008 00:39

Okay, look. It is hard when you have children. Sex is hard, there are so many issues. and he has gone off the boil. But that doesn't mean he is gay.

I don't think your husband is gay.

But tell us more, are there other reasons you are worried?

I think maybe, it is time to reassess. Maybe you could take time out, to do something you used to enjoy together - nothing to do with sex but to do with you enjoying being together.

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Monty100 · 14/10/2008 00:39

That's a very hurtful thing to say/do.

How old is he? He's not necessarily gay he might not be able to do it!

Don't shift the blame on to you.

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wishingmummy · 14/10/2008 00:41

he's keeping porn to his mobile phone, which he locks.the fire fighter thing is all he thinks about, all he reads about.
its straight porn-boring old straight porn- pity he doesn't find me fabciable-
he doesn't share our lives at all. being a firefighter is all he cares about

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wishingmummy · 14/10/2008 00:47

how can you ever look at the man you loved, the one you chose to ahve children with, and see the man who stipped away all sexual femininity, and even if he's not gay, how the hell can i move on from that? how the hell do you put it out of your head?
maybe i should just go out and get laid to see if anyone else complains! i feel so shit and disgusted at my own body, that i haven't even been for a smear, in case i'm too slimey then! deep down i know i'm normal, but i can't forget that he said it, and i hate him for taking away my femininity.

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fortyplus · 14/10/2008 00:49

You have problems with your self esteem that have little to do with your dh's sex drive.

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wishingmummy · 14/10/2008 00:50

he doesn't even hug me, or even answer me when i speak, its like i have ceased to be a woman, and now i'm an invisible, silent lump, that does the chores, adn tales the kids to school, and makes the meals, whilst he wanders about being important, because one day he might be called on to save someones life. what the hell happened to the man i fell in love with?

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Monty100 · 14/10/2008 00:53

Perhaps you just need to spend time together and have a good laugh and get close again. Probably nothing gay about the firefighting gear he probably just really enjoyed the fun of it.

Show me a man who doesn't look at porn in some form or another, be it silly jokes on mobiles or whatever. Could be just that.

His insults are wrong though and for some reason it seems he's trying to be, well succeeding in fact, in hurting you.

Never an excuse, but he doesn't know what to do to get the romance going again?

FWIW, my oh won't come near me unless very freshly showered! I can understand that but WTF? Where's the spontanaity (sp?) But each to their own. When we have a nice night out and a good laugh everything is great.

Sorry, I hope you can sort it. x